Ive been sitting here browsing, searching, reading, skimming, falling into every internet rabbit hole I’ve come across, almost ALL day.
2 of the kids are doing their remote schooling online, the little one is building, destroying, rebuilding, shes in the family room letting her imagination run WILD! She asked to use my cloth measuring tape, so I let her, 10 minutes later, she walks in with her ankles tied together by the measuring tape, and stated that her “Best Friend” did this to her.” Hey, you go girl. She has been doing the best friend thing a lot lately, and believe it or not, i absolutely ADORE it! Her ‘best friend’ is not invisible, and her name is Lilliana. It all reminds me of my childhood imaginary best friend, Sandra ( SAUUN-DRA), who also is not invisible. At around 3-4 years old as well, I would come out of my room wearing a giant sun hat, my mothers matching heels, and a leather jacket and say something like… ” Lori, your daughter is not here right now, we are off to the beach and wanted to borrow some makeup before we go.” (eye roll / giggle) – I had quite the imagination.
My oldest child is in school. She does not live here, but comes on the weekends. She is about to be a teenager ( shes 12 now) , but in her mind, shes going on 30. I can’t with her. She was my best friend, by my side through everything as I entered adulthood, since I had her in my late teen years. Now, I’m lucky if she wants to see me or do anything with me. My mind keeps going back to when she was a baby. When she would sing and dance with me, when she thought I was the best and most amazing person in the entire world. I go back, and it kind of breaks my heart. I think I am supposed to take all the blame for what happened. I’m supposed to live with what I did for the rest of my life. I lost my children deep into my addiction, as I was struggling severely to climb out of it. I never got her back. Her dad would never fully give her back to me, and if I wanted ANYTHING at all, never mind anything extra, I would have to go to court, with her father and his attorneys, fighting tooth and nail to get even a 15 minute phone call 3xs a week. It was bad. Over the last few months, I’ve come to a conclusion, as I am tiered of fighting. That is, that I am done part time parenting. I told my ex that 2 days ago, as today is January 11th, 2021, and we’ve not seen her per her choice since December 20th 2020. We were all exposed to COVID right before Christmas. My mother had come over on that Saturday before, and Sunday morning her husband tested positive for covid, the next day she did to. So my plan of action was to keep my daughter here, quarentined, isolated, with all of us who were also exposed- her father had other plans for her. I think it was SICK, and spiteful. He made me bring her home, to her fathers home, where there is a 2 year old baby, him, and his wife. Why would he rather potentially expose his family to this, than allow her to stay isolated with us? I was even SICK AT THE TIME!!! Once she got home, her stepmother packed her a backpack of food/snacks/ essentials, gave her a bottle of disinfectant to spray every time she had to go to the bathroom or even open her bedroom door. She could not leave her room for 5 days!!!!! OK, there is something wrong with that. Am I wrong?? I am willing to look at things from various perspectives, and this situation, I am blinded by spite. So, I guess we will have to come back and reflect on this in the coming weeks. We shall see…
I have to take a ride to Walgreens, So this is it for now. Maybe I’ll add more later. I think im going to come home and work on my glitter tumblrs & sublimation station !! I can catch you all up on that soon!! I literally turned my EPSON WF printer, into a SUBLIMATION printer!
I know , I know. I’m so proud! Okay Ya’ll, have a wonderful MONDAYYY!! :]
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