is it the lighting??
Something in the air!!
is it the lighting??
Something in the air!!
What I would give to go back in time today, right now & be the little girl who didn’t truly understand the lyrics to some of my favorite songs..
The songs I sang the words to with such harmless, aimless compassion …
What I’d give to not feel the words to every song so deeply inside of my soul, because I get it.
What id give to be put to bed by such love and such inner peace, and to wake up feeling genuinely reset and worthy. A brand new day.
To be told that I don’t understand something yet, and really, truly & innocently NOT understand it.
To believe everything without needing proof.
To trust and believe in love, and that everything will be okay.
To not know about mental health or addictive pain.
To not know what it feels like to give up, or be given up on.
To not have to watch my every word before it even becomes a thought.
I’d give anything to feel these ways, or to feel nothing like I feel now a days.
The glue that keeps the pieces together.
The beds would not be made,
Homework would not be done,
Teeth would not be brushed, faces left unclean & eyes would never leave the screens.
Dishes might be done, but not put away-
Dinner would be made, but sit out for days and days.
Laundry might be clean, but not folded nor put in it’s right places…
If mom wasn’t here – there’s be so many empty spaces.
Coats and sheets would stay dirty,
So would the floors.
Never mind the shower- the toilet bowl would be a horror.
Love would still be given,
Love would still be felt,
But questions would be ignored & everything would melt…
Books would go unread and maybe things would go unsaid –
Like Mama keeps every household going – even when she’s no longer glowing.
Being in Recovery feels like someone took a Permanent Marker and drew all over your face and all over every important document with your name.
It feels like it’s a brand.
Sometimes, in recovery- it feels as though things will never get better.
You might feel like your running up a hill– and every time you finally see the top, a big gust of fucks-with-your-life – blows you back to the bottom.
E v e r y time you feel hopeful; that gust blows you back to your place.
It can be so defeating.
There are days where you might ask yourself, “ Why do I bother? Why am I here?”. Or maybe your stuck in the, “why me?” Phase, again.
Some days you might find yourself blankly staring at walls, as if your reading a cheat sheet for life. Really your just staring emptily.
Hungry for something more.. but afraid you’ll have to eat it.
That could mean so many things.
You could be so many things.
This is just another test.
Everything is just a test, how can’t we always see that??
It’s all about knowing the right answer. It’s not about learning no- more . We did plenty of that before.
It doesn’t always come right away, and sometimes you won’t even notice.
Little by little good things will happen, you have to pay attention.
You can behave and be clean, be sober and walk the straight and narrow – but if your not making moves, you are not going to move any differently than you were.
You might sit and binge Netflix, Hulu or prime, you might wake up everyday for breakfast and not commit a single crime- but if your avoiding the things you shouldn’t, than your only wasting your own precious time.
I can say this because I know it, because I do it myself all the time.
And I “beat myself up” , while I’m ignoring my phones chime.
Than I feel like I’m doing something, because I’m sitting here Writing, and I know that I can rhyme.
Any who; in recovery, life can be fine.
You were stuck in your ways that are hard to move on from .
It’s easy to change who you are when your doing nothing good and throwing your life away.
It’s not easy to change when you have to come back from that.
Did you know you’d never be able to go back to who you were before??
People say it, and you hear it but what do they know?
You can do anything; be anyone you want.
Until you can’t. Until you won’t.
Climb the ladder, no matter how tall. Don’t even worry about every time you fall.
Sometimes life will surprise you, it happened to me today.
I was accepted by someone important who gave me a leadership place.
She looked at me, not past me – she gave me so much of her time.
I cannot explain the feeling I had. My heart was jumping; I felt A rush of sadness and with tears brought such a smile. A light.
It’s not always rainbows and mostly it’s clouds … but sometimes the sun is only just behind a tree – you just need to move a little more and get a better line of site.
Read more of this content when you subscribe today.
If only I could have come to you. Like they do in the movies… from the future. Things would be different. Maybe
I’d we’d be happy.
Maybe I could’ve prevented a lot of heartache, pain, & suffering.
I’d have told you that you look beautiful. All the time. I’d have told you that you cannot depend on anyone – ever. Except for you.
You can’t wait around expecting everyone else to take care of you. Even if they do. You still have to have the ability to do things yourself and for yourself.
Trying your hardest isn’t for anyone else- in the moment, yeah maybe- but in the long run, it’s all for you.
It’s you your proving yourself to. It’s you that wants to see you do great things. It’s you that wants you to achieve great things and become great things… & it is You who should learn from your mistakes.
In the long run, the only person rooting for you is you. Yea you might have your own personal Cheerleaders cheering you on, but they
don’t can’t care as much as you do, about you.
I’d have told you that it really doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks. It REALLY DOES NOT!!! I would Even pinky swear it & Seal it with a Kiss.
I’d have agreed that yes, self affirmations do seem and sound silly; like a silly thing to do, and that your metabolism is even sillier – but to believe in both.
I’d have told you to Enjoy your young body while you have it, and to have it for as long as you can- I’d have told you that it really is Your Sacred Space- that way you could enjoy every stage that follows youth.
That way you didn’t hold onto things with such a death-like grip.
That way, it was easier for you to move on.
That way, letting go and moving on don’t become the most impossible, Soul crushing , Feats that never fail to break you from the very core of your spirit.
I’d have told you to believe them. Believe every compliment you’ll ever receive – Even if you don’t believe the person giving it.
I’d have told you to Always be Loyal, especially to yourself. That way, when someone else truly deserves your loyalty, you’ll give it without a second thought. Like Second Nature.
That way, you aren’t too busy being loyal to the ones who aren’t loyal to you. That way, you don’t spend half of your life questioning why someone is loyal to you. That way, you don’t break your heart, and a heart that isn’t yours.
I’d tell you to always Cherish the people who have your back. Even if they don’t always have it. Cherish them, but do not come to Rely on them.
I’d tell you that you are Worthy and Deserving of love, happiness, and all things good, but that life isn’t always just those things.
I’d tell you that in order to matter you have to make a difference, and in order to make a difference, you have to matter. Or at least it will feel that way.
I’d tell You to sprinkle bits and pieces of you, everywhere you go. Leaving parts of you behind. In the places that need you. In the places you’ll matter.
I’d tell you that your going to want to leave behind a Legacy bigger than anything you’d ever do.
So I’d ask you if you could please start working on that now.
I’d tell you that, the way things are going now, by the time you turn 30, you’ll feel empty- Even filled with all that you’ll know. You’ll feel bad. Like something is Missing. Dooomed. Afraid even.
Ever think of a memory… and while your thinking of it…. Your thinking, or saying out loud …, “ no, no, noopee…” ?
It can’t only be me.
Are those the bad memories?? The ones our brains want us to forget altogether. The ones we do usually end up forgetting altogether .
It’s like, even though it’s running through my head, maybe even … call it a flashback…. I do not want to think about it now or ever again.
I never really thought of it that way.
But thank you brain, for healing my heart ❣️
A thought for the day that I’m struggling with, that I’ve never looked at afar, from FmomB.. xO.
70,128 hours. 96 months. 417,4 weeks. 2,922 days. 4207680.0 Minutes. 252460800 Seconds.
8 years?? 8 years…. 2 more children , 4 apartments, 2 houses, 3 states, 6 + Vehicles – hell that last one might be slightly off, but whose counting? Countless losses that I don’t even want to begin listing.. For our generation? …Generations? More than I can count in my head.
One full blown relapse. 4 revolving doors to familiar rehabs & a jagged edged 6 year recovery. [ no this isn’t the 12 days of Christmas Parody ] I
should know what the day is. I’ve been waiting for it. Just as quickly as all the other dates that I thoughtlessly count down to come creeping up on me, my mind begins to shut it out. Trying to forget . Lizard brain? Monkey brain? Elephant brain?? Short Term Brain? Grief Brain? Trauma brain? That might take the cake, and even if some of those are not really a thing, it’s what I’m calling it these days.
That might be a part of the reason I didn’t realize it was “the date” today. Even as I wrote it down on the tardy sheet 2xs today, signing my kids in on the 3 minutes “late” mark, (happens more often than I’d like to admit). As many times as I had typed the date into a text message, or as many times as I swiped through my Phone’s Calendar trying to book client’s and schedule Doctors appointments non synchronously in the days before, leading up to today, knowing how close it was. I know what today is, and I knew it was coming.
I’m still here, and it’s been 8 whole years since you have not been here. It’s been 8 whole years that I’ve dreaded what was once my favorite month.
I’ve outlived you. I’m a year older than you ever were.
How is that possible?
How has the world turned 8 whole times without you?
You were my first lesson in loss. Losing you, showed me what it feels like to lose someone you truly love, that deep kinda love that hurts your soul, even when it is good. It maybe even prepared me for what was yet to come.
I’ve added Loss to the list of firsts. You were a repeat offender on my first’s list. Not things like, first kiss, first love, first time, first boyfriend… no not those kind of first’s.
First Love & Friend Loss. You were the first Friend I ever lost, and the first Love I ever lost.
Let’s put a pin in that & save that list for another day.
The first time I ever loved someone so much and had them so fucking Rudely and abruptly taken away from this Plane. I had no idea. I texted you, called you, left voicemails & joked.. asking you to resend that picture… the new Rock??
I knew you’d never willingly leave without notice. That you wouldn’t make plans for Saturday if you knew it wasn’t going to come.
I knew you.
I knew you even if for
only 8 years.
We had gone through so much in such a short time, and even though we were not together, I knew you still had that love for me.
I don’t even completely understand how you’ve been gone for the same amount of years as I knew you.
If I’m a year older than you ever got to be, am I older than you now? Are you forever 31?
I love you pxs3, the best friend I’d ever have, the only male version of myself I could ever love.
I’ll never forget our last conversation, just the day before, and will forever ask myself the same questions. Did you know? Were you trying to tell me something? Were you saying Goodbye, See you there? Or was the universe trying to tell me?
We talked about the Devils Throne,& how we’d take it over.. You & I. Promoted ‘King & Queen’ of a world we don’t know exists.
I remember exactly where I was driving at that exact moment. Passing DW Park, sitting at the light, Park to my right.
Smiling ear to ear listening to you talk, laughing together, joking about our happily ever afters. The conversation hadn’t started that way, no not at all even close. When I answered that very last phone call, you were crying... sniffling. Longing to be with your sons for the weekend, even if just for the day. You explained what was happening and how it mimicked what had happened some years before. You told me you couldn’t go through this again. You told me how Evil she was, and warned me to stay away from her cousin. I wish I had have listened…
I Promised you I would be there for you whenever I could, I swore I’d do anything I was able for you, whenever my relationship with your ex best friend allowed. I told you we were fixing things, we had 2 toddlers & a new baby and things at home had just started getting better. I worked my ass off to get to where I was, and I said you could too… but none of that means we cant still be friends. No, We WILL be friends I swore to you, and I would tell him this weekend how I’m going to be there for you. He won’t mind, I promised.
I’m Sorry for missing those calls that night. I’m sorry I didn’t check sooner.
We are unstoppable, & no one can keep us apart, not even the Devil himself. No, we could and would overthrow him.
You were finally Free. For the first time in years, we were Free Simultaneously.
I had been waiting for this for years. Literally. I wanted to be there for you, with you, and this was it. So why? Why did You have to leave? You were once so strong, not only in the physical sense, but mental too.
I wish I could play every single one of our memories on a projector, they were literally some of the most critical times of my life.
I’d have followed you to the end of the world had time allowed. Where Would we be today?
Where are you today? Do you forgive me? Are You Proud?
I gave up everything for you.
PS. It was 21 Guns… the Music Video that played on MTV all Summer long. That woke us up to flashing lights & a really aggressive beat Every single time, at 2 – 3 AM. The song that gave us a hangover.
Source: for converting years to hours, mins, secs, days, weeks, months https://calculat.io/date/converter/hours–8–years
I did it! It’s over … we got through it – I survived the panic
Please don’t be True.
Please don’t let what I believe to be true, be the real Truth.
Please be okay. Please be here still. Here on this Plane, in this universe somewhere, grounded. On dry land, on shore.
Please don’t be what I think it is. Please.
I hope it’s something simple. Simple, no that’s not the word… but just anything, anything other than what I’m starting to believe.
I am aware that everyone has a sobriety date, or at least, everyone will. Though they are not all etched in stone, some very much are. Some proudly display their sobriety date on their facebook and IG walls, while others have it literally engraved in their stone, their headstone. Then there’s the people, who end up back stuck in the middle, ( many of us ) – or just – straight still in the middle BEEN in between, never left. The ones that happen to slip & fall, Sh$# that’s a bad hit. A bad feeling, I know it all too well. It happens to the best of us, but not all of us make it back from that slip and fall. That’s the worst part about relapse.
That’s why we are always in recovery. Always trying to stay clean.
Birth Dates, Sobriety Dates, Anniversary Dates, and Death dates, all seem to eventually add up. They all end up with multiple meanings, to multiple people, there’s billions of us. When we share such dates though, is when the meaning is given, therefore it serves purpose. Many purposes. Sharing a sobriety date with a loved ones birth date. Sharing a Birth date with a loved ones death date. Sharing these days is what makes them special to us. Not the way they are written or where, or why.
I share my birth date with someone that I’ve loved. I share my sobriety date with someone else that I’ve loved, it was their Birth date, when they were still on this plane. It’s why I hold it so closely.
I share the date of the first time I gave birth, with a friend I love, except it was the last date she gave birth. Our daughters share their Birth Date. Which is also, the day of my grandfather’s Birth Date, not year, of course. My anniversary Date has been the same date, in 2 very long term relationships. Another child of mine’s Birth date, another date that I gave birth, is shared with Halloween.
There are so many dates I remember for so many reasons, yet half the time I cannot even remember where I left my keys!
I’m just praying that your still okay.