70,128 Hours Without You

70,128 hours. 96 months. 417,4 weeks. 2,922 days. 4207680.0 Minutes. 252460800 Seconds.

8 years?? 8 years…. 2 more children , 4 apartments, 2 houses, 3 states, 6 + Vehicles – hell that last one might be slightly off, but whose counting? Countless losses that I don’t even want to begin listing.. For our generation? …Generations? More than I can count in my head.

One full blown relapse. 4 revolving doors to familiar rehabs & a jagged edged 6 year recovery. [ no this isn’t the 12 days of Christmas Parody ] I should know what the day is. I’ve been waiting for it. Just as quickly as all the other dates that I thoughtlessly count down to come creeping up on me, my mind begins to shut it out. Trying to forget . Lizard brain? Monkey brain? Elephant brain?? Short Term Brain? Grief Brain? Trauma brain? That might take the cake, and even if some of those are not really a thing, it’s what I’m calling it these days.

That might be a part of the reason I didn’t realize it was “the date” today. Even as I wrote it down on the tardy sheet 2xs today, signing my kids in on the 3 minutes “late” mark, (happens more often than I’d like to admit). As many times as I had typed the date into a text message, or as many times as I swiped through my Phone’s Calendar trying to book client’s and schedule Doctors appointments non synchronously in the days before, leading up to today, knowing how close it was. I know what today is, and I knew it was coming.

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I’m still here, and it’s been 8 whole years since you have not been here. It’s been 8 whole years that I’ve dreaded what was once my favorite month.

I’ve outlived you. I’m a year older than you ever were.

How is that possible?

How has the world turned 8 whole times without you?

You were my first lesson in loss. Losing you, showed me what it feels like to lose someone you truly love, that deep kinda love that hurts your soul, even when it is good. It maybe even prepared me for what was yet to come.

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I’ve added Loss to the list of firsts. You were a repeat offender on my first’s list. Not things like, first kiss, first love, first time, first boyfriend… no not those kind of first’s.

First Love & Friend Loss. You were the first Friend I ever lost, and the first Love I ever lost.

First Aff….

Let’s put a pin in that & save that list for another day.

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The first time I ever loved someone so much and had them so fucking Rudely and abruptly taken away from this Plane. I had no idea. I texted you, called you, left voicemails & joked.. asking you to resend that picture… the new Rock??

I knew you’d never willingly leave without notice. That you wouldn’t make plans for Saturday if you knew it wasn’t going to come.

I knew you.

I knew you even if for only 8 years.

We had gone through so much in such a short time, and even though we were not together, I knew you still had that love for me.

I don’t even completely understand how you’ve been gone for the same amount of years as I knew you.

If I’m a year older than you ever got to be, am I older than you now? Are you forever 31?

I love you pxs3, the best friend I’d ever have, the only male version of myself I could ever love.

I’ll never forget our last conversation, just the day before, and will forever ask myself the same questions. Did you know? Were you trying to tell me something? Were you saying Goodbye, See you there? Or was the universe trying to tell me?

We talked about the Devils Throne,& how we’d take it over.. You & I. Promoted ‘King & Queen’ of a world we don’t know exists.

I remember exactly where I was driving at that exact moment. Passing DW Park, sitting at the light, Park to my right.

Smiling ear to ear listening to you talk, laughing together, joking about our happily ever afters. The conversation hadn’t started that way, no not at all even close. When I answered that very last phone call, you were crying... sniffling. Longing to be with your sons for the weekend, even if just for the day. You explained what was happening and how it mimicked what had happened some years before. You told me you couldn’t go through this again. You told me how Evil she was, and warned me to stay away from her cousin. I wish I had have listened…

I Promised you I would be there for you whenever I could, I swore I’d do anything I was able for you, whenever my relationship with your ex best friend allowed. I told you we were fixing things, we had 2 toddlers & a new baby and things at home had just started getting better. I worked my ass off to get to where I was, and I said you could too… but none of that means we cant still be friends. No, We WILL be friends I swore to you, and I would tell him this weekend how I’m going to be there for you. He won’t mind, I promised.

I’m Sorry for missing those calls that night. I’m sorry I didn’t check sooner.

We are unstoppable, & no one can keep us apart, not even the Devil himself. No, we could and would overthrow him.

You were finally Free. For the first time in years, we were Free Simultaneously.

I had been waiting for this for years. Literally. I wanted to be there for you, with you, and this was it. So why? Why did You have to leave? You were once so strong, not only in the physical sense, but mental too.

I wish I could play every single one of our memories on a projector, they were literally some of the most critical times of my life.

I’d have followed you to the end of the world had time allowed. Where Would we be today?

Where are you today? Do you forgive me? Are You Proud?

I gave up everything for you.

#yourajerk

#kingandqueenoftheunderworld

#myfavoriteperson

#firstofmanyfirsts

#iseeyoueverywhere

#thanksforthememories

PS. It was 21 Guns… the Music Video that played on MTV all Summer long. That woke us up to flashing lights & a really aggressive beat Every single time, at 2 – 3 AM. The song that gave us a hangover.

Sources

Source: for converting years to hours, mins, secs, days, weeks, months https://calculat.io/date/converter/hours–8–years

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The kids double Halloween Birthday Party

I did it! It’s over … we got through it – I survived the panic

P.s I hope your alive

Please don’t be True.

Please don’t let what I believe to be true, be the real Truth.

Please be okay. Please be here still. Here on this Plane, in this universe somewhere, grounded. On dry land, on shore.

Please don’t be what I think it is. Please.

I hope it’s something simple. Simple, no that’s not the word… but just anything, anything other than what I’m starting to believe.

I am aware that everyone has a sobriety date, or at least, everyone will. Though they are not all etched in stone, some very much are. Some proudly display their sobriety date on their facebook and IG walls, while others have it literally engraved in their stone, their headstone. Then there’s the people, who end up back stuck in the middle, ( many of us ) – or just – straight still in the middle BEEN in between, never left. The ones that happen to slip & fall, Sh$# that’s a bad hit. A bad feeling, I know it all too well. It happens to the best of us, but not all of us make it back from that slip and fall. That’s the worst part about relapse.

That’s why we are always in recovery. Always trying to stay clean.

Birth Dates, Sobriety Dates, Anniversary Dates, and Death dates, all seem to eventually add up. They all end up with multiple meanings, to multiple people, there’s billions of us. When we share such dates though, is when the meaning is given, therefore it serves purpose. Many purposes. Sharing a sobriety date with a loved ones birth date. Sharing a Birth date with a loved ones death date. Sharing these days is what makes them special to us. Not the way they are written or where, or why.

I share my birth date with someone that I’ve loved. I share my sobriety date with someone else that I’ve loved, it was their Birth date, when they were still on this plane. It’s why I hold it so closely.

I share the date of the first time I gave birth, with a friend I love, except it was the last date she gave birth. Our daughters share their Birth Date. Which is also, the day of my grandfather’s Birth Date, not year, of course. My anniversary Date has been the same date, in 2 very long term relationships. Another child of mine’s Birth date, another date that I gave birth, is shared with Halloween.

There are so many dates I remember for so many reasons, yet half the time I cannot even remember where I left my keys!

I’m just praying that your still okay.

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