I just knew

I don’t know exactly what it is with us. Was. What it was, with us. I just don’t know exactly what it was about us. There was something though. Something. A connection of some type, much different than any other.

A cosmic connection, or magnetic forces.. something always brought us back to one another. Even if we never really were. We were not ever an us – but we were always us.

I knew it before I even had the slightest thought of it. I knew it before I ever really even knew it. I felt it. That sounds so strange, even reading it back to myself. It sounds like a narrated script read aloud in the very first scene of a sad movie. It sounds so scripted. So fictional. It isn’t though, it’s real life, and real thoughts. I’m just writing them as they come.


I’ve lost some of the most important friendships and relationships in my life, to drugs, and death. Drugs always ultimately result in death. Period. Note that. Save that. Highlight it. Remember it and never ever forget it. It is nothing but the truth.

Early on in my first attempts at recovery, I was always taught that; Relapse is a part of the process, it is a part of your recovery. You must fall to get back up stronger. You need to fail to know what it feels like, to always remember.

It was something that was said by lots of people, in lots of places. Recovery specialists in programs, counselors, therapists both inpatient and outpatient, long time recovering addicts in the rooms of AA & NA, C.O’s and or fellow addicts in prisons, or institutions. It was the nice way to react when someone was feeling bad about themselves for relapsing. When someone who had been clean for some X amount of time had a slip up, and continuously beat themselves up for it. Of course, that won’t help them, but will it? Whether they had 10 years clean, 10 months clean, or 10 days clean, “relapsing is a part of recovery.” I can still hear some of the voices that I’ve heard… saying the words. It’s almost haunting.

I’ve come to conclude that, that does not have to be the case, and it should not be said as such. We need to find a better response to say to a recovering addict who has just slipped up. Telling them us, that it is all a part of the process, and that relapses are supposed to happen, just isn’t always going to be okay anymore. I don’t think so at all. Yes, our personal failures, slips, falls, and relapses, are in fact, for sure a part of our process, but it is not a part of the actual process.

You do not have to relapse to hold onto your sobriety.

The why.

My why. Why do I believe this so strongly? Well, my friends. They are why. The people I’ve loved. They are why. The people I thought I would have in my life for all of my life, that is why. They are why.

Their relapses were all a part of their recovery process. Their Relapses were a part of their recovery process?? Their Path to recovery? One would get clean one way or another, stay clean for however long, relapse, or not, and start all over again. Right? That’s what I’ve always done. I go back to what I know. I have a go-to plan. I’ve always followed the same steps that I know I need to follow, that I know will get me back to where I needed to be.

Luckily, in the meantime, in the learning /process to my recovery, I did not die. By the Grace Of God, I did not yet die.

My people though. They relapse, and they die.

Now, they are forever sober. However, they did not leave in that way. Their relapse, the ‘part of their process’ to recovery, got them dead. It took away their lives and their chance at ever working the process again. It took away everything. The relapse that is a part of their recovery, killed them.

This is why I believe that we need to stop telling addicts that it is okay to relapse. Because it is not okay. It is not safe.

Forever in their 30’s. Forever your age. Forever Clean & Sober. Forever Loved and missed. Forever, may you rest peacefully, every single one of you.

Until we meet again my twin flame…

Image result for twin flame images

Back up off me

I think she is going to kill me. Her or him.. I do not know anymore. I don’t even know the difference between the 2 of them anymore unless we are face to face, which does not ever happen anymore. They are keyboard warriors.

I do not even F@#$ with them. They have to stay f@#$ing with me though. Always. Randomly. They pop up.

I hear footsteps, crunching in the solid, hardened, snow. Do they not realize that I can hear? The only other sounds to be heard was my wind chimes. Lots, and lots of beautiful, whimsical, wind chimes.

A neighbor comes out for her bedtime smoke. The door creaks, she coughs, the footsteps go silent, but still, there is something, someone, wrestling in and with the bushes.

The neighbor to the left pulls up into their driveway, loudest car ever. Headlights shining directly into the restless bushes.

Someone is over there. Someone is listening, well, watching. Waiting.

I stay put for as long as my soft, sensitive skin will allow in this type of weather. I am right here.

Two of the cameras have picked up slight movement, with some noises, voices, what are they saying? What do they want from me?

I get a notification, a facebook messenger kind. It’s them. His facebook, but I cannot determine which one of them it is hiding behind their phones, their texts, talk to texts that make no sense at all, their her illiterate writing skills. I think its her. It has to be her. She is very insecure.

That is why the messages I’m receiving are vicious , mean, down right hateful and nasty. It’s her.

She is watching closely…. yet says I am the one looking for their chaos. No, no… I am not seeking your bullshit, however – I am aware.

I am very aware. I am sure to know, whatever I need to know. I will not act. I will wait.

Waiting is what I’ve been doing. Watching, waiting. A year of wasted energy and time… actually, 2 years now? Wow. What a waste.

I wish they would do well. I wish they would get right. I wish they would leave me alone. I’d do anything to get that poor man away from that demon of a woman. She is crack. Her life is that exactly.

His never was. Shes got to go.

Not my business anymore, just sad. Regardless, leave me alone. I am an adult. A grown women who wakes up every single morning to raise a family. Something she is not familiar with. I think to her, responsibility, life, etc… is just a figment of imagination. She does not believe people can be normal.

That’s fine. Live and Let Live, RIGHT?

I may be a mother, an adult, a women, but I will do whatever it takes to protect myself and my family.

Rating: 1 out of 5.
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Not that I’m a professional critic or anything..

Netflix’s ‘Sweet Home’

Okay, so I’ve spent a lot more time than I’d like to admit, binge watching Netflix. Especially during this pandemic?! Idk what I’d have done without it?!!! Lost my mind maybe? Interacted more with others? lol idk. whatevs.

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So I’m currently watching… “Sweet Home” , a South Korean comedy/drama/ post-apocalyptic, based on a Webtoon comic with the same name, created by Kim Carnby & Hwang Young-Chan. Damn, is this shit gory or what?!? I thought that “Death of Me”, was bad, this is just downright chaos. It reminds me of something like… “The Goonies”, maybe crossed with some other Monster movie or series filmed pre – super technology days. The way these monsters and creatures move just seriously creeps me out. It’s like… the word, “Slytherin”. That is what they remind me of. Just the word though, not what the word means.

Has anyone watched it?

Is anyone watching it?

What are your thoughts?

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Off the Beaten Path

POSSIBLE SPOILER ALERTS FOR NETFLIX’S ‘DEATH OF ME’

I’m currently watching “Death Of Me” On ; ‘Netflix’. It’s pretty f$#k-y to say the least. ” Island Magic” “Nam mun prai” This shit is crazy!!

Finished up “Glitch” and Netflix suggested I watch this. Almost as gruesome, if not more, as “The Cell” from 2000. The guts, intestines. Pulling.. squirming. cracking… ugh. Ya know what though? Her braid somehow manages to stay fucking perfect throughout. Well… I’m currently exactly 1 hour, 15 minutes and 9 seconds in… and her braid is completely perfect.

I should be playing with one of my many children. I’m going to miss it. I’m in it and I’m missing it. I’m not doing anything to change it.

Wow. WTAF did I just watch? I can’t even with this.

Go watch it, right now. Go ahead. It’s fuckey for sure, but in like, a good, interesting way.

Here, let me give you ANOTHER SPOILER ALERT.... JUST INCASE – I SPOIL.

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Now, Netflix has suggested that I watch “Can’t Cope Won’t Cope” , and….WHOA!! It was actually more of a forceful suggestion, nevertheless. It started playing it for me like… almost immediately after friggin ‘Death of me’ , talk about 1 extreme to the next!! Ah I’m all over the place here!

So, just to double back real quick, I’m talking about 3 different shows/movie’s streamed on Netflix;

  1. Glitch Series
  2. Death of me
  3. Cant cope won’t cope

So, if you’ve not seen any of the 3, I suggest you exit this article now!

Glitch (TV Series 2015–2019) - IMDb

Glitch ( 3 seasons, 18 total episodes) is an Australian television programme which premiered on 9 July 2015 on ABC ( Later onto Netflix) . The series is set in the fictional country town of Yoorana, Victoria, and follows 7 people whom are originally from there, and died there, who return from the dead in perfect health but with no memory.

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Death of Me (2020) - IMDb
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1830643/

Death of Me is a 2020 Film. As I stated, gruesome, nasty, violent, yet satisfying.

Vacationing on an island off the coast of Thailand, couple Neil and Christine awake hungover.. and with absolutely no recollection of the previous night. When trying to board the Ferry to get home, they realize that at least one of them is missing their wallets, phone, money, and neither of them can find their passports, therefore they are unable to board. When arriving back at the AIRBNB they had just checked out of, Neil begins searching his phone for any clues to what had gone on the night before, where they could have left their stuff, or what could have happened. He comes across a 2.5 + hour long video that the couple had recorded on the mystery night in question. As they watch it, they witness what looks to be, the total IMPOSSIBLE. Now they NEED answers, and they NEED to get home! They spend the rest of the movie searching the Thai Island for hints, clues, and or answers to what had happened the night before. It isn’t very pretty.

Now, this movie was for sure interesting, it kept my interest for most of the time, but also, it confused the heck out of me more than a handful of times! I kept thinking it was about to end, I sat here saying..

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” Ohhh NOOO WAY. DONT YOU DARE DO THAT TO ME! ”

out loud, yes

HAH! I kept checking the timing to be sure, only to see there was still X amount of time left. So I continued watching, waiting for the all knowing part to come. The part where everything is laid out right there and it suddenly all comes together, and it all makes sense! Well, yeah, that never really happened. It did, sort of, like, it did start to explain things, the way it was, why it was happening, little bits and pieces of information… but then something came out of left field! I was thrown waaaaay off course, and back to square 1 basically haha! The ending didn’t really give me the answers I was hoping for, but hey… it’s a movie? It really isn’t bad, its a decent watch, I guess it just depends on you. So if you haven’t seen it yet, go check out ” Death Of Me” On Netflix and let me know your thoughts!!

  • Did the ending answer your questions?
  • Did you think it was as Gory as ” The Cell” ?
  • What are you the most confused about?
  • What do you know now that you didn’t even think of?

Stuff like that! Oh, here is a cool little bit of FYI- The couple ends up telling us that they are from Boston, Massachusetts, which I think is pretty awesome, andddd the entire movie was filmed in Thailand.. so very beautiful, and oh So cool!

Can't Cope, Won't Cope (TV Series 2016–2018) - IMDb

Cant Cope Wont Cope ( 2 seasons, 12 episodes total)

Can’t Cope, Won’t Cope is an Irish comedy-drama television series, about 2 twenty-something year old friends, Danielle, and Aisling, from Mallow, County Cork, who share a house in Dublin. Aisling is a fund manager, Danielle is an art student who is trying to find her calling. Both women are complete party animals, who love to dance, day and night drink and just have a good time! The series shows a glimpse of what the life of a real twenty-something, might be like, especially for those of us who had not yet matured, or ever had to face any type of consequences, or adversary in our lives. It is real, it is raw, it is good, and it is over :[. The writer of the series announced in August of 2018 that there would not be a season 3, as she had not even expected or planned for the show to go beyond 1 season. That’s too bad because it was definitely a fantastically written, wonderfully produced, and amazingly cast series.

After doing a little bit of research on the show, it didn’t take long for me to learn that the 33 year old actress who played Danielle, Danika Nika McGuigan , had passed away in July 2019, after a short battle with cancer. Awful. Heart Breaking. So young, such talent. :'[

Although there are only 12 episodes in the series entirety, I strongly recommend heading over to Netflix and watching it. Hey, 12 episodes? That should be easy, gives all the more reason to Binge watch it now! :]

Let me know what you think! :]

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P.s I hope your alive

Please don’t be True.

Please don’t let what I believe to be true, be the real Truth.

Please be okay. Please be here still. Here on this Plane, in this universe somewhere, grounded. On dry land, on shore.

Please don’t be what I think it is. Please.

I hope it’s something simple. Simple, no that’s not the word… but just anything, anything other than what I’m starting to believe.

I am aware that everyone has a sobriety date, or at least, everyone will. Though they are not all etched in stone, some very much are. Some proudly display their sobriety date on their facebook and IG walls, while others have it literally engraved in their stone, their headstone. Then there’s the people, who end up back stuck in the middle, ( many of us ) – or just – straight still in the middle BEEN in between, never left. The ones that happen to slip & fall, Sh$# that’s a bad hit. A bad feeling, I know it all too well. It happens to the best of us, but not all of us make it back from that slip and fall. That’s the worst part about relapse.

That’s why we are always in recovery. Always trying to stay clean.

Birth Dates, Sobriety Dates, Anniversary Dates, and Death dates, all seem to eventually add up. They all end up with multiple meanings, to multiple people, there’s billions of us. When we share such dates though, is when the meaning is given, therefore it serves purpose. Many purposes. Sharing a sobriety date with a loved ones birth date. Sharing a Birth date with a loved ones death date. Sharing these days is what makes them special to us. Not the way they are written or where, or why.

I share my birth date with someone that I’ve loved. I share my sobriety date with someone else that I’ve loved, it was their Birth date, when they were still on this plane. It’s why I hold it so closely.

I share the date of the first time I gave birth, with a friend I love, except it was the last date she gave birth. Our daughters share their Birth Date. Which is also, the day of my grandfather’s Birth Date, not year, of course. My anniversary Date has been the same date, in 2 very long term relationships. Another child of mine’s Birth date, another date that I gave birth, is shared with Halloween.

There are so many dates I remember for so many reasons, yet half the time I cannot even remember where I left my keys!

I’m just praying that your still okay.

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Gnat

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Mary, Do You Wanna?

Lets talk that.

Photo by Julia Sakelli on Pexels.com

Is it okay for moms to enjoy this?

What about dads?

Do you believe all people alike should be allowed to participate in this legally?

Is it Legal where your from?

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I think, edibles, oils, tinctures, things like that, are absolutely incredible. Depending on person, dosage, reason [and or timing?]

What about hassshhhhishh? lol I’ll never forget about this time on Valentines day when I was in high school, my family was gone for the weekend so my older boyfriend [who i ended up being with for 7.5 years], my best friend, and her boyfriend , had accessed ourselves a large, what looked like frozen brownie/old wrapped up brick , of hash from a freezer.

Yup. Was great.

We had no idea what to do with it because, I believe I was about 15?! ahhh 15-17, would’ve stayed if I could. :[

How about the fact that there FACT was no “hey siri” or anything fast like that! No. I had a *beep beep*, aka a friggin Bumble Bee aka indestructible yellow bomb!! Haha … aka a Nextel.

Which, fact was way cooler than these Iphones. I mean… yeah facetime is great and all, but I LOVED beep beeping ( two- waying) People. Always had to have the best one too as I got older, it’s so funny to think about.

Yeah, so once we figured out the best use of this at the time, we made Hash Brownies. For our Valentines Day Desert. It was great.

They tasted BOMB. My house smelt SO GOOD!!

Ahhh, the days. What do ya’ll think?

Photo by Washarapol D BinYo Jundang on Pexels.com
2021-04-20T10:37:00

  days

  hours  minutes  seconds

until

4.20

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To Give up

I am a fighter. I’ve found that fighting is what I do the most. What I do the best. It’s not that I want to be a fighter. I don’t like to have to fight for everything. I don’t even realize it when I’m doing it. It’s just what it is.

If someone takes from me, I want it back. I will get it back. I will do every possible thing in my power, to get said thing back.

I’m sure of that. I don’t give up ever. If I do happen to fall short though, it is not for very long. So I just say instead that I do not ever give up. I will never give up.

Dramatic as it may sound. It is cold hard truth, bruh.

I’ve been fighting this way for 12 solid years now. But it feels like forever.

I fight for what I want. I make it a point to get it.

Whats the whole point of everything anyways?

Does it really mean that much if you can just take it? Is it even important to you? Does it really vibe with you, call to you?

Yeah, Fight or Flight is human nature, its instinct – for every friggin situation. Right?

Fight, Flight, or Bite your tongue? That’s basically flight?

I know all that has been said, but maybe sometimes I give way too little credit.But,- Well, what are the options? What does giving up consist of anyway?

I guess it must be different for everyone though, obviously.

I mean, giving up for me could also be a lot of things. Just, when I’m having a crappy day, I think of that, like.. “ugh I give up”, “I’m loosing it”, “I’m all done.” Like, what do I even mean by those things?

I’m not friggin done with life. I just give up hah. I can’t go use drugs. Not that I want to but I mean, that’d be a form of giving up for me.

Can I run away though??

No.. haha although, I wish. *silly faces*

I’m playing! Gotta lighten up my mood some way or another. Whats up with you tonight? How was your day? Anyone have a different theory/ opinion? I’d love to hear it :]

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Preview(opens in a new tab)about:blankAdd titleTo Give up

I am a fighter. I’ve found that fighting is what I do the most. What I do the best. It’s not that I want to be a fighter. I don’t like to have to fight for everything. I don’t even realize it when I’m doing it. It’s just what it is.

If someone takes from me, I want it back. I will get it back. I will do every possible thing in my power, to get said thing back.

I’m sure of that. I don’t give up ever. If I do happen to fall short though, it is not for very long. So I just say instead that I do not ever give up. I will never give up.

Dramatic as it may sound. It is cold hard truth, bruh.

I’ve been fighting this way for 12 solid years now. But it feels like forever.

I fight for what I want. I make it a point to get it.

Whats the whole point of everything anyways?

Does it really mean that much if you can just take it? Is it even important to you? Does it really vibe with you, call to you?

Yeah, Fight or Flight is human nature, its instinct – for every friggin situation. Right?

Fight, Flight, or Bite your tongue? That’s basically flight?

I know all that has been said, but maybe sometimes I give way too little credit.But,- Well, what are the options? What does giving up consist of anyway?

I guess it must be different for everyone though, obviously.

I mean, giving up for me could also be a lot of things. Just, when I’m having a crappy day, I think of that, like.. “ugh I give up”, “I’m loosing it”, “I’m all done.” Like, what do I even mean by those things?

I’m not friggin done with life. I just give up hah. I can’t go use drugs. Not that I want to but I mean, that’d be a form of giving up for me.

Can I run away though??

No.. haha although, I wish. *silly faces*

I’m playing! Gotta lighten up my mood some way or another. Whats up with you tonight? How was your day? Anyone have a different theory/ opinion? I’d love to hear it :]Name(required)Email(required)Please rate our website(required)

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Invitingly

They became far to close, far to quickly. Neither of them saw or felt coming what was unraveling between the 2 of them, until it was too late to go back. Little did they know, the coming of revelations would be a faux pas , neither of them would ever forget.

Anomaly

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Can I use your lighter real quick? Thanks. Soooo.. Trey told me a little bit about you, and how….

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Premium subscription questions

Okay, silly question.. but from what I’ve read.. I can post whatever I want, in my premium subscription boxes???

Is there a limit to.. the… whatever ?

How about … what content is actually hidden by non- subscribers/ premium / allowed only access?? I’ve become quite interested in this… I just don’t want to go about it incorrectly, or be thinking I’m posting something that is strictly for premium members, yet the whole world wide web can see it!!! hahaha!

SO, if you have any interest in helping me through the ins and outs, legalities, formalities , and such… lol jk but whatever I need to know,

Please reach out to me asap!!! I’ve got some excellent premium content I’m dying to share, I’ll even show you what I mean if you help me!! lol <3 ty!

*mania*