You could ….

Oh the things you could do, if you felt the way about me, that I feel about you.

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By Queenie

You could feel the way I feel,

You could hurt the way I hurt,

You could want the way crave,

You could need the way I need you,

You could love, the way that I love you

And even want all of the same things too.

You could wish the things I wish,

You could cry over someone, the way I cry over you-

You could want commitment the way I want it too,

You could do all of these things,

This I know is true –

But only if you were with someone new

Cause I know you’ll never feel the same about me, as I feel about you.

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You could

    Being in Recovery feels

    Being in Recovery feels like someone took a Permanent Marker and drew all over your face and all over every important document with your name.

    It feels like it’s a brand.

    Sometimes.

    Sometimes, in recovery- it feels as though things will never get better.

    You might feel like your running up a hill– and every time you finally see the top, a big gust of fucks-with-your-life – blows you back to the bottom.

    E v e r y time you feel hopeful; that gust blows you back to your place.

    It can be so defeating.

    There are days where you might ask yourself, “ Why do I bother? Why am I here?”. Or maybe your stuck in the, “why me?” Phase, again.

    Some days you might find yourself blankly staring at walls, as if your reading a cheat sheet for life. Really your just staring emptily.

    Hungry for something more.. but afraid you’ll have to eat it.

    That could mean so many things.

    You could be so many things.

    This is just another test.

    Everything is just a test, how can’t we always see that??

    It’s all about knowing the right answer. It’s not about learning no- more . We did plenty of that before.

    It doesn’t always come right away, and sometimes you won’t even notice.

    Little by little good things will happen, you have to pay attention.

    You can behave and be clean, be sober and walk the straight and narrow – but if your not making moves, you are not going to move any differently than you were.

    You might sit and binge Netflix, Hulu or prime, you might wake up everyday for breakfast and not commit a single crime- but if your avoiding the things you shouldn’t, than your only wasting your own precious time.

    I can say this because I know it, because I do it myself all the time.

    And I “beat myself up” , while I’m ignoring my phones chime.

    Than I feel like I’m doing something, because I’m sitting here Writing, and I know that I can rhyme.

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    Any who; in recovery, life can be fine.

    You were stuck in your ways that are hard to move on from .

    It’s easy to change who you are when your doing nothing good and throwing your life away.

    It’s not easy to change when you have to come back from that.

    Did you know you’d never be able to go back to who you were before??

    People say it, and you hear it but what do they know?

    You can do anything; be anyone you want.

    Until you can’t. Until you won’t.

    Climb the ladder, no matter how tall. Don’t even worry about every time you fall.

    Sometimes life will surprise you, it happened to me today.

    I was accepted by someone important who gave me a leadership place.

    She looked at me, not past me – she gave me so much of her time.

    I cannot explain the feeling I had. My heart was jumping; I felt A rush of sadness and with tears brought such a smile. A light.

    A laugh.

    It’s not always rainbows and mostly it’s clouds … but sometimes the sun is only just behind a tree – you just need to move a little more and get a better line of site.

    xO. truthmom

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    This is what I’d say…

    Dear old me, if I could come to you in a Dream, or send a letter to the past, this is what I’d say…

    If only I could have come to you. Like they do in the movies… from the future. Things would be different. Maybe I’d we’d be happy.

    Maybe I could’ve prevented a lot of heartache, pain, & suffering.

    I’d have told you that you look beautiful. All the time. I’d have told you that you cannot depend on anyoneever. Except for you.

    You can’t wait around expecting everyone else to take care of you. Even if they do. You still have to have the ability to do things yourself and for yourself.

    Trying your hardest isn’t for anyone else- in the moment, yeah maybe- but in the long run, it’s all for you.

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    It’s you your proving yourself to. It’s you that wants to see you do great things. It’s you that wants you to achieve great things and become great things… & it is You who should learn from your mistakes.

    In the long run, the only person rooting for you is you. Yea you might have your own personal Cheerleaders cheering you on, but they don’t can’t care as much as you do, about you.

    I’d have told you that it really doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks. It REALLY DOES NOT!!! I would Even pinky swear it & Seal it with a Kiss.

    I’d have agreed that yes, self affirmations do seem and sound silly; like a silly thing to do, and that your metabolism is even sillier – but to believe in both.

    I’d have told you to Enjoy your young body while you have it, and to have it for as long as you can- I’d have told you that it really is Your Sacred Space- that way you could enjoy every stage that follows youth.

    That way you didn’t hold onto things with such a death-like grip.

    That way, it was easier for you to move on.

    That way, letting go and moving on don’t become the most impossible, Soul crushing , Feats that never fail to break you from the very core of your spirit.

    I’d have told you to believe them. Believe every compliment you’ll ever receive – Even if you don’t believe the person giving it.

    I’d have told you to Always be Loyal, especially to yourself. That way, when someone else truly deserves your loyalty, you’ll give it without a second thought. Like Second Nature.

    That way, you aren’t too busy being loyal to the ones who aren’t loyal to you. That way, you don’t spend half of your life questioning why someone is loyal to you. That way, you don’t break your heart, and a heart that isn’t yours.

    I’d tell you to always Cherish the people who have your back. Even if they don’t always have it. Cherish them, but do not come to Rely on them.

    I’d tell you that you are Worthy and Deserving of love, happiness, and all things good, but that life isn’t always just those things.

    I’d tell you that in order to matter you have to make a difference, and in order to make a difference, you have to matter. Or at least it will feel that way.

    I’d tell You to sprinkle bits and pieces of you, everywhere you go. Leaving parts of you behind. In the places that need you. In the places you’ll matter.

    I’d tell you that your going to want to leave behind a Legacy bigger than anything you’d ever do.

    So I’d ask you if you could please start working on that now.

    I’d tell you that, the way things are going now, by the time you turn 30, you’ll feel empty- Even filled with all that you’ll know. You’ll feel bad. Like something is Missing. Dooomed. Afraid even.

    The ‘no’ memories …

    Ever think of a memory… and while your thinking of it…. Your thinking, or saying out loud …, “ no, no, noopee…” ?

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    It can’t only be me.

    Are those the bad memories?? The ones our brains want us to forget altogether. The ones we do usually end up forgetting altogether .

    It’s like, even though it’s running through my head, maybe even … call it a flashback…. I do not want to think about it now or ever again.

    I never really thought of it that way.

    But thank you brain, for healing my heart ❣️

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      A thought for the day that I’m struggling with, that I’ve never looked at afar, from FmomB.. xO.

      Where In the world is Aunt Jemima ?!

      Listen to the most recent episode of my podcast: What happened to Aunt Jemima ? https://anchor.fm/truth-mommy/episodes/What-happened-to-Aunt-Jemima-e1blcci

      an irreplaceable feeling

      It’s something about our touch.. our sounds, our stillness & sense …

      My children have all had a period of time where they slept next to me, and they had to be touching me. In some way or another; They could be on the other side of the bed, yet their tiny foot/feet were making contact with me.

      My littles one moves around in her sleep when she feels or hears me near & doesn’t stop moving til she’s making contact with me.

      My heart beat .

      This must be why they said skin to skin…

      These babies grew inside of us. You literally cannot get any closer to us, to our hearts, than the children you birthed. Not taking away from anyone else in any way – just giving my perspective.

      They want to hear our heart beating, feel our hearts beating. There’s a comfort in that, that some just cannot go without.

      To me, it’s important.

      To me, I have to cherish it.

      It won’t be this way forever – I keep reminding myself this. I keep reminding patI keep saying it outloud but I still have to remind myself,, I still forget.

      These babies aren’t babies forever, so I believe in closeness. I believe in cuddling, hugs, goodnight kisses, bed sharing & I believe in giving into it.

      Maybe it can be a lot … but it isn’t forever.

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      The kids double Halloween Birthday Party

      I did it! It’s over … we got through it – I survived the panic

      If I kept track of every time I thought about someone…

      Saturday August 21, 2021

      10:56pm Sitting outside on my “stoop” aka … farmers… porch 🤣😂 – the air changes… the breeze feels stuffy, and all of a sudden it’s not.

      I think of you…

      I can’t tell you exactly why- it was just like one second you were there, the next you weren’t.

      At first an indoor affair came to mind, something that happened in my adult years. Seconds later, a line or 2 into the song, you come to mind. Not the last version of you I saw. The high school, awkward, 8th grade you. Maybe this was a song we listened to together with friends or maybe on one of our blunt cruises..

      Next up @ a little past 11pm, still on the same stoop..

      I think of you

      Not because this song has any consensual significance … but because I’ll never forget you rapping it… https://music.amazon.com/albums/B07V1PSR43?do=play&trackAsin=B07V49TMTN&ref=dm_sh_xxNipT4CFBBOnYFYIt0rHIb8gholy shit… is that The significance??? Is this the same “bands” song from while we were playing drinking games as kids ?

      No. I’m wrong.

      But at 11:19 …

      “ girl run. Run like a track star if mooski ain’t say it better “ – I know booboo , I know coR. & I thank you

      Or you’d say something like… ‘ ain’t ni key say it as good as so and so in his last and only hit wonder let me tell you.”

      Let me tell you.

      A boogie wit a hoodie said it correct when he said “There will never be another you

      Always ALWAYS. Mentioning red light special , marvins room, confessions ( let’s say usher period)

      “ cuz… let me tell you a little something about MY life a boogie wit a hoodie…

      Good Morning America and everywhere else…

      Today is the first day of this week that 2 of my children are actually going in to their school to learn. Boy do I miss what used to be known as a normal school day. Tuesday and Wednesday this week was remote learning from my kitchen table. ( Giving all 3 remote learning kids a set of headphones was probably one of the best decisions ever.) Although, I can still hear the tones of 3 women teachers in unison teaching different things to different aged groups of children, singing songs, rattling off numbers and equations, times tables, all the good stuff you would expect to learn in an elementary school classroom. Monday was a day off, to celebrate the day of Martin Luther King. He earned that day. I just want to make it clear before I go on, that I appreciate MLK, and I would never say anything to take away from him, his day, and all that he did. He is a Super Star in American history. If only he were here now to see the chaos that has been recreated. I don’t think he’d be at all happy about any of it.

      However…. I want a day. A day where the entire Country thinks of and celebrates me.

      I want to do something that is so important that it earns me a day of my own. I have my birthday, obviously, but it isn’t mine alone, it isn’t an entire day named after me. American’s don’t wake up on my birthday, and think of me. They don’t take a day off of school, or work for me. I actually would like for my day to be the 25th of March, my day, but named after me as well. If it were to be, it would go something like..

      ” A woman who was brought into this world on this day, a women who has become SO important to our world today. That today we shall celebrate her. Her life, her achievements, and heck, her existence all together period!!! “

      lol I’m just playing!!! Imagine though… Being so important to the entire country, or WORLD! *jaw drops*

      The zodiac sign for that day, is ARIES. I am an Aries, clearly. I want to represent the fierce, firey, passionate Aries in every way possible, not just as ‘my sign’.

      That just gave me an idea. SUCH a great idea, that I can’t say just yet. Lets just see how it goes.

      I was still dreaming at the time those thoughts went through my racing brain.. * eye roll* … someday…something.

      Photo by Yuma Kim on Pexels.com

      My father spent the day here, mapping, planning, designing, placing, measuring, gosh there really is so much behind running a business.

      The first step ( the one I found out the hard way) , is to map and plan. You cannot just dive in with your eyes closed and succeed.

      As an addict in recovery, in my early years, I was “taught” .. that us addicts are always looking for instant gratification. For example, an addict who is just nearing a month of sobriety, working hard at rebuilding the life they slowly and painfully destroyed, but not anywhere near where they want to be, would say something like…

      ” I’ve been sober for 28 days and still, no one will approve me for an apartment, I can’t take my kids anywhere myself, I can’t even open a damn bank account!! How am I supposed to even WANT to live a sober life if this is all it is..” [Solely an example folks.]

      Solely an example folks, yet it sounds oh SO familiar.

      Well my friend, it doesn’t work like that. It doesn’t work like that for anyonedoes it? I mean, it depends on the person really. The amount of damage, the time it took to do all the damage, the bridges burnt. Credit blown. Fixing our mess doesn’t happen overnight. There is no 1 “quick fix”. Maybe this wasn’t the best example for what I meant, BUT… it sounds good to read.

      It’s real. It’s raw. It is honest and truthful.

      If you are an addict reading this, and you feel completely hopeless, like you’ll never get off drugs, or never want to deal with the mess you made…please know.. it doesn’t happen overnight, or maybe not even in a year, but it WILL happen. It’s hard, its work, But you will make it, and you’ll come out stronger than you ever thought you could be.

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      Maybe more like a child, ” I want what I want right when I want it!!”

      That is literally my brain 89% of the time.

      Any who. I got SO much done today . I actually feel somewhat accomplished. Not on my blog, my site, or my stores… or even my office – BUT, I played with my child. We took our baths and showers. Cleaned the bathroom top to bottom. Put away 3 loads of laundry at the same time as sorting/washing/drying another 3-4 loads of laundry. I updated one of the poshmark sites, and yeah, I’ve been back and forth on here, buttttt I’ve not let my day get completely consumed by business strategies, (ha, before I edited this it said ‘startegies’ I feel like that word describes this more perfectly), traffic, marketing ,etc. I’m trying to take a step back every so often. It isn’t easy.

      I haven’t even gotten to half of the things I’m meant to say on this blog. I will. There is always, sometimes, hopefully,maybe, later.

      It’s time to go pick up the kids… POSITIVE NOTE*** ITS THURSDAY NIGHT!!!

      Thursday night is the most inspiring night of the week. It’s my girls night. My 2 beautiful besties and I, get to snack, paint, craft, chat, … ughh… If you don’t got yourself a Thursday night crew like mine, you’ve gotta get you one!!!

      The more into the blog I get, the more I’ll share on us.

      Alright, off to be super mom , get my kids, drop off some customer shipments & get supper ready so I’m prepared for 7pm !!! AHH

      lol maybe I’ll see ya later xoxo

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