is it the lighting??
Something in the air!!
is it the lighting??
Something in the air!!
What I would give to go back in time today, right now & be the little girl who didn’t truly understand the lyrics to some of my favorite songs..
The songs I sang the words to with such harmless, aimless compassion …
What I’d give to not feel the words to every song so deeply inside of my soul, because I get it.
What id give to be put to bed by such love and such inner peace, and to wake up feeling genuinely reset and worthy. A brand new day.
To be told that I don’t understand something yet, and really, truly & innocently NOT understand it.
To believe everything without needing proof.
To trust and believe in love, and that everything will be okay.
To not know about mental health or addictive pain.
To not know what it feels like to give up, or be given up on.
To not have to watch my every word before it even becomes a thought.
I’d give anything to feel these ways, or to feel nothing like I feel now a days.
telling the truth about being a mommy and all of the thrills and trills that come with it! telling my truth, the real whole raw truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God.
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You could feel the way I feel,
You could hurt the way I hurt,
You could want the way crave,
You could need the way I need you,
You could love, the way that I love you
And even want all of the same things too.
You could wish the things I wish,
You could cry over someone, the way I cry over you-
You could want commitment the way I want it too,
You could do all of these things,
This I know is true –
But only if you were with someone new
Cause I know you’ll never feel the same about me, as I feel about you.
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Being in Recovery feels like someone took a Permanent Marker and drew all over your face and all over every important document with your name.
It feels like it’s a brand.
Sometimes, in recovery- it feels as though things will never get better.
You might feel like your running up a hill– and every time you finally see the top, a big gust of fucks-with-your-life – blows you back to the bottom.
E v e r y time you feel hopeful; that gust blows you back to your place.
It can be so defeating.
There are days where you might ask yourself, “ Why do I bother? Why am I here?”. Or maybe your stuck in the, “why me?” Phase, again.
Some days you might find yourself blankly staring at walls, as if your reading a cheat sheet for life. Really your just staring emptily.
Hungry for something more.. but afraid you’ll have to eat it.
That could mean so many things.
You could be so many things.
This is just another test.
Everything is just a test, how can’t we always see that??
It’s all about knowing the right answer. It’s not about learning no- more . We did plenty of that before.
It doesn’t always come right away, and sometimes you won’t even notice.
Little by little good things will happen, you have to pay attention.
You can behave and be clean, be sober and walk the straight and narrow – but if your not making moves, you are not going to move any differently than you were.
You might sit and binge Netflix, Hulu or prime, you might wake up everyday for breakfast and not commit a single crime- but if your avoiding the things you shouldn’t, than your only wasting your own precious time.
I can say this because I know it, because I do it myself all the time.
And I “beat myself up” , while I’m ignoring my phones chime.
Than I feel like I’m doing something, because I’m sitting here Writing, and I know that I can rhyme.
Any who; in recovery, life can be fine.
You were stuck in your ways that are hard to move on from .
It’s easy to change who you are when your doing nothing good and throwing your life away.
It’s not easy to change when you have to come back from that.
Did you know you’d never be able to go back to who you were before??
People say it, and you hear it but what do they know?
You can do anything; be anyone you want.
Until you can’t. Until you won’t.
Climb the ladder, no matter how tall. Don’t even worry about every time you fall.
Sometimes life will surprise you, it happened to me today.
I was accepted by someone important who gave me a leadership place.
She looked at me, not past me – she gave me so much of her time.
I cannot explain the feeling I had. My heart was jumping; I felt A rush of sadness and with tears brought such a smile. A light.
It’s not always rainbows and mostly it’s clouds … but sometimes the sun is only just behind a tree – you just need to move a little more and get a better line of site.
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If only I could have come to you. Like they do in the movies… from the future. Things would be different. Maybe
I’d we’d be happy.
Maybe I could’ve prevented a lot of heartache, pain, & suffering.
I’d have told you that you look beautiful. All the time. I’d have told you that you cannot depend on anyone – ever. Except for you.
You can’t wait around expecting everyone else to take care of you. Even if they do. You still have to have the ability to do things yourself and for yourself.
Trying your hardest isn’t for anyone else- in the moment, yeah maybe- but in the long run, it’s all for you.
It’s you your proving yourself to. It’s you that wants to see you do great things. It’s you that wants you to achieve great things and become great things… & it is You who should learn from your mistakes.
In the long run, the only person rooting for you is you. Yea you might have your own personal Cheerleaders cheering you on, but they
don’t can’t care as much as you do, about you.
I’d have told you that it really doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks. It REALLY DOES NOT!!! I would Even pinky swear it & Seal it with a Kiss.
I’d have agreed that yes, self affirmations do seem and sound silly; like a silly thing to do, and that your metabolism is even sillier – but to believe in both.
I’d have told you to Enjoy your young body while you have it, and to have it for as long as you can- I’d have told you that it really is Your Sacred Space- that way you could enjoy every stage that follows youth.
That way you didn’t hold onto things with such a death-like grip.
That way, it was easier for you to move on.
That way, letting go and moving on don’t become the most impossible, Soul crushing , Feats that never fail to break you from the very core of your spirit.
I’d have told you to believe them. Believe every compliment you’ll ever receive – Even if you don’t believe the person giving it.
I’d have told you to Always be Loyal, especially to yourself. That way, when someone else truly deserves your loyalty, you’ll give it without a second thought. Like Second Nature.
That way, you aren’t too busy being loyal to the ones who aren’t loyal to you. That way, you don’t spend half of your life questioning why someone is loyal to you. That way, you don’t break your heart, and a heart that isn’t yours.
I’d tell you to always Cherish the people who have your back. Even if they don’t always have it. Cherish them, but do not come to Rely on them.
I’d tell you that you are Worthy and Deserving of love, happiness, and all things good, but that life isn’t always just those things.
I’d tell you that in order to matter you have to make a difference, and in order to make a difference, you have to matter. Or at least it will feel that way.
I’d tell You to sprinkle bits and pieces of you, everywhere you go. Leaving parts of you behind. In the places that need you. In the places you’ll matter.
I’d tell you that your going to want to leave behind a Legacy bigger than anything you’d ever do.
So I’d ask you if you could please start working on that now.
I’d tell you that, the way things are going now, by the time you turn 30, you’ll feel empty- Even filled with all that you’ll know. You’ll feel bad. Like something is Missing. Dooomed. Afraid even.
I loved you for a decade and had no idea the trouble that would bring.
I loved you even when I made you leave. I loved you even though you never came back. I loved you even though you MADE me stay away…. I loved you… or so you’d say.
You loved me when you called the cops, because i came around, you see, I thought you’d never dare be the one to burn me to the ground. I loved you when you lied to me, you’ve always fucking lied.
I loved you when I was just a girl, and you turning into man, you have to know how hard it was for me to understand. I wasn’t ready to be responsible. I didn’t even know how.
See no one ever taught me how to take care of myself, so when it was time I lost my mind, I spiraled off my shelf.
I’m broken , but Did I break you too? I didn’t know I had that power. See sometimes I think, that I came broken, or at least came to know it . See, I’m not sure if that’s really true, or if I could really try to remember when I Broke. What made me break. Could I map it out on a timeline ?
I’m trying to wrap my head around it – I’m trying really hard, because I need to know how long It’ll take to let go of the whole façade.
I’ve known you more than half of my life and more than half of that I’ve had to walk on egg shells- Don’t get me wrong, You were always a good chef, just never really learned how to properly clean up your mess. So on shells I’ve continued to step.
We use excuses, you use your lines, she knows one of us is the main reason that we lost so much of our time. One day she’ll make her own decisions, I sure hope she’ll make some improvisions. Not repeat my life like I did mine – I never believed mine, not even half the time.
This shit we did, it effected my whole life, who’d have thought it’d still be putting me through strife?
and when did I myself stop being a kid? I don’t remember what day it was, I don’t know what it was I did. What I did to stop being a kid, besides having myself my own little kid. I don’t know where it happened I don’t know why, All’s I do know is that time truly does fly. Where does it go, that time you ask? It follows you around, like the Ghost Of Christmas’ Past. I’ll end this here with this last thing, I know it’s gone, I know it happened, I know being a kid isn’t just something I imagined, I just don’t know the why’s or the how’s or the whens, I also don’t know how and when time ends. – “FmomB”Cel
As I work on my book, I write peices here… food for my thought, as this writing stimulates the brain, and brings me back to where I need to remember.
#time #kids #love #hate #passion #relationships #randomthoughts #memory #memories #remember #fmomb #truthmommy #friendships #life #lifequestions #wheredoestimego