I’m trying to figure this all out. What am I going to be when I grow up? I’ve been so many things in these 33 years . I’ve been a baby who needed to be constantly held and taken care of, I didn’t do much besides sleep, eat, cry, repeat. That lasted a short while. Then I was a toddler, needing to be taught. Craving constant attention and always so curious. I began by crawling, then talking, walking, all the good stuff. After that I was a kid. First I stayed home with mom and learned some more. I colored, and played out scenes with Barbie’s dolls and sculpted play doh. Soon enough, still a kid, I went to school and learned to spell and write for many many years as a kid. Throughout my teenageyears, I was still considered a kid. I did more though. I was much much more dependent, and no longer needed constant attention as I had for many years before. Eventually , I was a driver. It wasn’t my job, but I did it like it was. My first realjob and my first real relationship happened simultaneously. My first job was at my local mall. I was an Ice cream Scooperat Friendly’s. I was 15. My first real boyfriend was my “friends” bf first & I really wasn’t even interested and he really wanted her to go away.
Next I was 17,and I was a coffee maker. I got a job at a nearby Dunkin’ Donuts , and worked my way to shift leader. I wasn’t sure if I liked the fit. I wasn’t sure I liked my position, on the other side of the counter, dealing so directly with the public at such a fast pace. Handling their money, and their liquid Gold. I did not know the importance of caffeine to a person at that time. I did not know that I was directly making and providing people with the actual thing that keeps / gets them going. At 15/16, I wasn’t sure of anything quite yet, so anytime a friend needed a job, I without a doubt got them one. I had no idea the kind of trouble it was going to get me into… more than once. I was now a high school graduate and practically a housewife. 2 years into working behind the counter, handing people their fuel, their liquid gold, I became ateen mom. My body was trying to become a mother . For a period of time and Simultaneously with the fore mentioned, I was a thief. Not a real thief, I wouldn’t even say it, but I mean, I stoleby allowing my school friend employees to tempt and teach me with the help of my “friends”. To “under-ring”; a thing I literally could not understand. I personally couldn’t wrap my brain around the how.So, I let helped them do it, and was rewarded with half at the end of those shifts, at my first 2 jobs. I became an accused. Accused for stealing money? That was so not me. I didn’t realize… that’s exactly what we were doing. I paid such little attention, that I didn’t realize one of my friends was actually stealing from the box, right under my nose. I told the truth, took responsibility for what I knew, and defended my “friend” to no end. My first and second jobs both went the same, both ended for the same reasons. I knew I didn’t fit there, I needed to try something different. At 19 I was a Customer Service Representative at a call center. I spent 9+ hours a day making and taking calls that had to do with Medicare’s A, B,& C, memorizing rebuttals and loopholes. This was my calling, pun intended. You’d think By 21, one would be a grown up, and I really truly thought I was. I was finally back in school for a career & thought I had it all figured out. Instead, I was even more confused than before. Being confused really isn’t a bad thing, until it is.
Racing random ridiculous thoughts running ramped through my head.
Racing random ridiculous thoughts run ramped in circles through my mind while I close my eyes.
Words like years, time, baptism, heaven, solitude, leaving, mystery, horror, fear, lost, failing, work, school, dinner, money, taxes, sleep- De-Realization. I remember a time not long ago when I wasn’t always so anxious and worried.
I don’t know. I don’t have the answers I need and it stresses me out.
De-Realization? What does DeRealization mean to you??
It makes me anxiuous, and makes me feel unbalanced, uneven, unreal.
Is it something the just happens with adults?? Or do Kids understand it too? What is “De-Realization” To you? In your own words?
I apologize ahead, as this template is giving me anxiety. This Format is incorrect. For now it will do.
I dont know if it comes with age or if it’s something thats been there all along, just under the surface… dormant. I dont know if its that, or if it comes with wisdom. I don’t know exactly what it is. Everything gives me anxiety. Everything.
That song, “numb little bug”, is like the theme song. It’s what theywant us all to be singing…
Our healthcare system has failed me, more times than I can count. Our justice system has failed me, as well, more than once. However, today-the healthcare system needs to be talked about. I don’t even think they know how bad they are. I know I’m not the only one, so come on!!? Why does this kind of sh?! still happen??
Later on, sometime soon.. I’m going to post about what happened to me this week. Why I felt targeted. It’s ridiculous, nonsense even. But it was able to ruin my entire day.
Heyy there, I’m FmomBiee! F – Mom-Biie … ya know? Like, Fbomb MomBie [ f bomb mom – zombie mom, it all just fits] pronounced – EFF-MOMB. – EE – my pen name, but I can be whoever you want me to be;] Phew, now that that’s out of the way, I wanted to tell you a little bit about myself. As you know, I’m a mom , one who cusses alot, a mom that can sometimes be compared to a zombie, a mom who cannot stand to get my fingernails dirty in the garden, or evenin the kitchen even though those are 2 of my favorite places! Personally, I’m not very creative, so I like to stick to the step-by-step guides for most arts and crafts, and as far as DIY-ing?? pppffttt- Those thing’s never come out the way they are supposed to!! I am not filtered in public and I sure won’t be here on the wide world of webbed lies ;] -That’s just it though, we’re here to make , bring change, to bring Truth. In just a couple of clicks, The World Wide Web is right at the fingertips of our children. They ask Siri or Google a question, and it is instantly met with hundreds of thousands of “results” or, answers. Right ones, wrong ones, irrelevant ones, inappropriate ones, completely unrelated ones, the list goes on. We hope that we can be right there too, at the top of the results, (and not one of the top 4 useless ads), with the best, most accurate information.
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I try to sound the same as I speak,
to make it feel like your next to me,
Go over every word that rhymes,
thinking about them, so much time
again, at the screen, I stare,
eyes wide open, like a glare,
in my soul, can you see?
get off topic again,
it won't be long now,
forgetting the thought,
i watch it pass
without a blink,
blank, I stare,
a double Nonet ; 9 lines , starting at 9, down to 1 - each line descending syllables - to have as many syllables as the number of the line.
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By the time I was pregnant with my fourth child, Social Media Platforms were totally BOOMING!! You could find answers to any of your questions, on a Facebook group-thread rather than scrolling though the 100+ pages of results you’d get on Google. I wouldn’t say that I was tech illiterate, but I was pretty untrained when it came to all the new updates and new platforms. I had been living as far “off the grid” and “off-line” as I was able, so I didn’t have many friends at that point. I found a FaceBook Group, for women who were due around the same time as me and joined it. We became a tight knit community and I gained many friends from it, it was great! We were all going through the same things!! We did Secret Santa, sent Group Birthday Gifts, and watched each other through so much life, ultrasounds, gender reveals, weddings, braxton hicks contractions. We saw Birth stories, baby pictures and parent baby picture comparisons. We supported each other through some really heavy stuff, some really terrible and traumatic things happened to some amazing people. We were there for it. From pregnancy, til birth, I check on this page daily. Even after my child was born, I remained close with many of the moms. It was fantastic that I was able to be myself wholly, and I didn’t have to explain myself if I forgot to call or text back. I didn’t have to apologize for living my life. That is the essence of Truth Mommy. That is what I hope to give, share with mothers. There are no limitations- Got a story? Share it.. Looking for some supportive words? My hopes are that you will find them here.
8 years?? 8 years…. 2 more children , 4 apartments, 2 houses, 3 states, 6 + Vehicles –hell that last one might be slightly off, but whose counting?Countless losses that I don’t even want to begin listing.. For our generation? …Generations? More than I can count in my head.
One full blown relapse. 4 revolving doors to familiar rehabs & a jagged edged 6 year recovery. [ no this isn’t the 12 days of Christmas Parody ] I should know what the day is. I’ve been waiting for it. Just as quickly as all the other dates that I thoughtlessly count down to come creeping up on me, my mind begins to shut it out. Trying to forget . Lizard brain? Monkey brain? Elephant brain?? Short Term Brain? Grief Brain? Trauma brain? That might take the cake, and even if some of those are not really a thing, it’s what I’m calling it these days.
That might be a part of the reason I didn’t realize it was “the date” today. Even as I wrote it down on the tardy sheet 2xs today, signing my kids in on the 3 minutes “late” mark, (happens more often than I’d like to admit). As many times as I had typed the date into a text message, or as many times as I swiped through my Phone’s Calendar trying to book client’s and schedule Doctors appointments non synchronously in the days before, leading up to today, knowing how close it was. I know what today is, and I knew it was coming.
I’m still here, and it’s been 8 whole years since you have not been here. It’s been 8 whole years that I’ve dreaded what was once my favorite month.
I’ve outlived you. I’m a year older than you ever were.
How is that possible?
How has the world turned 8 whole times without you?
You were my first lesson in loss. Losing you, showed me what it feels like to lose someone you truly love, that deep kinda love that hurts your soul, even when it is good. It maybe even prepared me for what was yet to come.
I’ve added Loss to the list of firsts. You were a repeat offender on my first’s list. Not things like, first kiss, first love, first time, first boyfriend… no not those kind of first’s.
First Love & Friend Loss. You were the first Friend I ever lost, and the first Love I ever lost.
Let’s put a pin in that & save that list for another day.
The first time I ever loved someone so much and had them so fucking Rudely and abruptly taken away from this Plane. I had no idea. I texted you, called you, left voicemails & joked.. asking you to resend that picture… the new Rock??
I knew you’d never willingly leave without notice. That you wouldn’t make plans for Saturday if you knew it wasn’t going to come.
I knew you.
I knew you even if for only 8 years.
We had gone through so much in such a short time, and even though we were not together, I knew you still had that love for me.
I don’t even completely understand how you’ve been gone for the same amount of years as I knew you.
If I’m a year older than you ever got to be, am I older than you now? Are you forever 31?
I love you pxs3, the best friend I’d ever have, the only male version of myself I could ever love.
I’ll never forget our last conversation, just the day before, and will forever ask myself the same questions. Did you know? Were you trying to tell me something? Were you saying Goodbye, See you there? Or was the universe trying to tell me?
We talked about the Devils Throne,& how we’d take it over.. You & I. Promoted ‘King & Queen’ of a world we don’t know exists.
I remember exactly where I was driving at that exact moment. Passing DW Park, sitting at the light, Park to my right.
Smiling ear to ear listening to you talk, laughing together, joking about our happily ever afters. The conversation hadn’t started that way, no not at all even close. When I answered that very last phone call, you were crying... sniffling. Longing to be with your sons for the weekend, even if just for the day. You explained what was happening and how it mimicked what had happened some years before. You told me you couldn’t go through this again. You told me how Evil she was, and warned me to stay away from her cousin. I wish I had have listened…
I Promised you I would be there for you whenever I could, I swore I’d do anything I was able for you, whenever my relationship with your ex best friend allowed. I told you we were fixing things, we had 2 toddlers & a new baby and things at home had just started gettingbetter. I worked my ass off to get to where I was, and I said you could too… but none of that means we cant still be friends. No, We WILL be friends I swore to you, and I would tell him this weekend how I’m going to be there for you. He won’t mind, I promised.
I’m Sorry for missing those calls that night. I’m sorry I didn’t check sooner.
We are unstoppable, & no one can keep us apart, not even the Devil himself. No, we could and would overthrow him.
You were finally Free. For the first time in years, we were Free Simultaneously.
I had been waiting for this for years. Literally. I wanted to be there for you, with you, and this was it. So why? Why did You have to leave? You were once so strong, not only in the physical sense, but mental too.
I wish I could play every single one of our memories on a projector, they were literally some of the most critical times of my life.
I’d have followed you to the end of the world had time allowed. Where Would we be today?
Where are you today? Do you forgive me? Are You Proud?
I gave up everything for you.
PS. It was 21 Guns… the Music Video that played on MTV all Summer long. That woke us up to flashing lights & a really aggressive beat Every single time, at 2 – 3 AM. The song that gave us a hangover.
It’s something about our touch.. our sounds, our stillness & sense …
My children have all had a period of time where they slept next to me, and they had to be touching me. In some way or another; They could be on the other side of the bed, yet their tiny foot/feet were making contact with me.
My littles one moves around in her sleep when she feels or hears me near & doesn’t stop moving til she’s making contact with me.
My heart beat .
This must be why they said skin to skin…
These babies grew inside of us. You literally cannot get any closer to us, to our hearts, than the children you birthed. Not taking away from anyone else in any way – just giving my perspective.
They want to hear our heart beating, feel our hearts beating. There’s a comfort in that, that some just cannot go without.
To me, it’s important.
To me, I have to cherish it.
It won’t be this way forever – I keep reminding myself this. I keep reminding pat… I keep saying it outloud but I still have to remind myself,, I still forget.
These babies aren’t babies forever, so I believe in closeness. I believe in cuddling, hugs, goodnight kisses, bed sharing & I believe in giving into it.
Very much like you, I’m stubborn. Maybe we’re stubborn in different ways. Either way.
I thought of you tonight. It was the first time in a long time that ive thought of you. I even searched your name on messenger,nothing recent.
For all I know , those messages go back 10-15 years… maybe I’d smile? Maybe I’d cry?
Idk. I don’t even want to.
Know, that is.
Can I start over, by saying how grateful I am that your alive??
Maybe I’m a hypocrite. But never in bad form or intentionally. I love you.
You’re a piece to my puzzle. Actually, a missing piece. How it’s been so long just doesn’t even make sense to me.
We werebest friends for years…
My longest friend.
I wish you were here to see, and hear SO MANY THINGS .
I love you. I miss you col.
Our babies have grown, my kids aren’t any longer Tiny infants and toddlers. We are no longer each other’s best friends.
And it’s my fault for being so weak.
I’m sorry that I was unsure of who to really trust with what just yet.*
I’m sorry you were backed into a corner.
I’m sorry that you blame me.
Overall I’m just so sorry for not being who you needed me to be, the best friend you needed in me.
I hope you are on top of the world with those boys.
Girls- both of you . I love and miss y’all more than I could show ❤️
ALL my love, and BEST wishes. From a blog you may never see . xoxo
***That my friends alone is a lesson – every person you trust – can and should ONLY be trusted with the type of ishhh they can be trusted with – otherwise- you literally cannot trust them. One per genera .
Can you imagine that some little space alien child or man child are holding their version of an XBOX controller, controlling our every single move? Controlling everything we do, down to the clacking sounds I hear right now as I continue to type?
There is a theory that Our hardware runs solely on the speed of light?
I mean, it could totally make sense, right? This is something that I don’t understand.