is it the lighting??
Something in the air!!
is it the lighting??
Something in the air!!
What I would give to go back in time today, right now & be the little girl who didn’t truly understand the lyrics to some of my favorite songs..
The songs I sang the words to with such harmless, aimless compassion …
What I’d give to not feel the words to every song so deeply inside of my soul, because I get it.
What id give to be put to bed by such love and such inner peace, and to wake up feeling genuinely reset and worthy. A brand new day.
To be told that I don’t understand something yet, and really, truly & innocently NOT understand it.
To believe everything without needing proof.
To trust and believe in love, and that everything will be okay.
To not know about mental health or addictive pain.
To not know what it feels like to give up, or be given up on.
To not have to watch my every word before it even becomes a thought.
I’d give anything to feel these ways, or to feel nothing like I feel now a days.
You could feel the way I feel,
You could hurt the way I hurt,
You could want the way crave,
You could need the way I need you,
You could love, the way that I love you
And even want all of the same things too.
You could wish the things I wish,
You could cry over someone, the way I cry over you-
You could want commitment the way I want it too,
You could do all of these things,
This I know is true –
But only if you were with someone new
Cause I know you’ll never feel the same about me, as I feel about you.
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Being in Recovery feels like someone took a Permanent Marker and drew all over your face and all over every important document with your name.
It feels like it’s a brand.
Sometimes, in recovery- it feels as though things will never get better.
You might feel like your running up a hill– and every time you finally see the top, a big gust of fucks-with-your-life – blows you back to the bottom.
E v e r y time you feel hopeful; that gust blows you back to your place.
It can be so defeating.
There are days where you might ask yourself, “ Why do I bother? Why am I here?”. Or maybe your stuck in the, “why me?” Phase, again.
Some days you might find yourself blankly staring at walls, as if your reading a cheat sheet for life. Really your just staring emptily.
Hungry for something more.. but afraid you’ll have to eat it.
That could mean so many things.
You could be so many things.
This is just another test.
Everything is just a test, how can’t we always see that??
It’s all about knowing the right answer. It’s not about learning no- more . We did plenty of that before.
It doesn’t always come right away, and sometimes you won’t even notice.
Little by little good things will happen, you have to pay attention.
You can behave and be clean, be sober and walk the straight and narrow – but if your not making moves, you are not going to move any differently than you were.
You might sit and binge Netflix, Hulu or prime, you might wake up everyday for breakfast and not commit a single crime- but if your avoiding the things you shouldn’t, than your only wasting your own precious time.
I can say this because I know it, because I do it myself all the time.
And I “beat myself up” , while I’m ignoring my phones chime.
Than I feel like I’m doing something, because I’m sitting here Writing, and I know that I can rhyme.
Any who; in recovery, life can be fine.
You were stuck in your ways that are hard to move on from .
It’s easy to change who you are when your doing nothing good and throwing your life away.
It’s not easy to change when you have to come back from that.
Did you know you’d never be able to go back to who you were before??
People say it, and you hear it but what do they know?
You can do anything; be anyone you want.
Until you can’t. Until you won’t.
Climb the ladder, no matter how tall. Don’t even worry about every time you fall.
Sometimes life will surprise you, it happened to me today.
I was accepted by someone important who gave me a leadership place.
She looked at me, not past me – she gave me so much of her time.
I cannot explain the feeling I had. My heart was jumping; I felt A rush of sadness and with tears brought such a smile. A light.
It’s not always rainbows and mostly it’s clouds … but sometimes the sun is only just behind a tree – you just need to move a little more and get a better line of site.
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Very much like you, I’m stubborn. Maybe we’re stubborn in different ways. Either way.
I thought of you tonight. It was the first time in a long time that ive thought of you. I even searched your name on messenger,nothing recent.
For all I know , those messages go back 10-15 years… maybe I’d smile? Maybe I’d cry?
Idk. I don’t even want to.
Know, that is.
Can I start over, by saying how grateful I am that your alive??
Maybe I’m a hypocrite. But never in bad form or intentionally. I love you.
You’re a piece to my puzzle. Actually, a missing piece. How it’s been so long just doesn’t even make sense to me.
We were best friends for years…
My longest friend.
I wish you were here to see, and hear SO MANY THINGS .
I love you. I miss you col.
Our babies have grown, my kids aren’t any longer Tiny infants and toddlers. We are no longer each other’s best friends.
And it’s my fault for being so weak.
I’m sorry that I was unsure of who to really trust with what just yet.*
I’m sorry you were backed into a corner.
I’m sorry that you blame me.
Overall I’m just so sorry for not being who you needed me to be, the best friend you needed in me.
I hope you are on top of the world with those boys.
Girls- both of you . I love and miss y’all more than I could show ❤️
ALL my love, and BEST wishes. From a blog you may never see . xoxo
***That my friends alone is a lesson – every person you trust – can and should ONLY be trusted with the type of ishhh they can be trusted with – otherwise- you literally cannot trust them. One per genera .
Saturday August 21, 2021
10:56pm Sitting outside on my “stoop” aka … farmers… porch 🤣😂 – the air changes… the breeze feels stuffy, and all of a sudden it’s not.
I think of you…
I can’t tell you exactly why- it was just like one second you were there, the next you weren’t.
At first an indoor affair came to mind, something that happened in my adult years. Seconds later, a line or 2 into the song, you come to mind. Not the last version of you I saw. The high school, awkward, 8th grade you. Maybe this was a song we listened to together with friends or maybe on one of our blunt cruises..
Next up @ a little past 11pm, still on the same stoop..
I think of you …
Not because this song has any consensual significance … but because I’ll never forget you rapping it… https://music.amazon.com/albums/B07V1PSR43?do=play&trackAsin=B07V49TMTN&ref=dm_sh_xxNipT4CFBBOnYFYIt0rHIb8gholy shit… is that The significance??? Is this the same “bands” song from while we were playing drinking games as kids ?
No. I’m wrong.
But at 11:19 …
“ girl run. Run like a track star if mooski ain’t say it better “ – I know booboo , I know coR. & I thank you
Or you’d say something like… ‘ ain’t ni key say it as good as so and so in his last and only hit wonder let me tell you.”
Let me tell you.
A boogie wit a hoodie said it correct when he said “There will never be another you
Always ALWAYS. Mentioning red light special , marvins room, confessions ( let’s say usher period)
“ cuz… let me tell you a little something about MY life a boogie wit a hoodie…
THE NICKEL orrr… 5.. FIVE CENTS
Great..no , AMAZING, SOUL TOUCHING, article to read, that I came across while searching the meaning, and symbolism of,; finding shiny Nickels, sometimes more than 1 in a day, 5 cents, and the number 5 in general. It is written by Nancy Wait, who has a collection of amazing reads on her website, NancyWait.com. (Hopefully this is legal, I’ve tried to do as much as possible to make sure it is) You can find her article by clicking HERE, or by clicking above, as I’ve linked her article.
There are a few people I would follow to the end of the world. Would, would have. Some I loved for longer, much much longer than others. They are falling off the face of the Earth.One by One. Every so often. Lovers. Best friends. Friends. Family. Lovers. Lovers…. Loves.
For years and years this has gone on. One at a time. It keeps getting closer though. Closer and closer. Little by little. Slow by slow.
I would have followed them. I would have , but I can’t. Someday, one day, we will meet again.
I don’t know exactly what it is with us. Was. What it was, with us. I just don’t know exactly what it was about us. There was something though. Something. A connection of some type, much different than any other.
A cosmic connection, or magnetic forces.. something always brought us back to one another. Even if we never really were. We were not ever an us – but we were always us.
I knew it before I even had the slightest thought of it. I knew it before I ever really even knew it. I felt it. That sounds so strange, even reading it back to myself. It sounds like a narrated script read aloud in the very first scene of a sad movie. It sounds so scripted. So fictional. It isn’t though, it’s real life, and real thoughts. I’m just writing them as they come.
I’ve lost some of the most important friendships and relationships in my life, to drugs, and death. Drugs always ultimately result in death. Period. Note that. Save that. Highlight it. Remember it and never ever forget it. It is nothing but the truth.
Early on in my first attempts at recovery, I was always taught that; Relapse is a part of the process, it is a part of your recovery. You must fall to get back up stronger. You need to fail to know what it feels like, to always remember.
It was something that was said by lots of people, in lots of places. Recovery specialists in programs, counselors, therapists both inpatient and outpatient, long time recovering addicts in the rooms of AA & NA, C.O’s and or fellow addicts in prisons, or institutions. It was the nice way to react when someone was feeling bad about themselves for relapsing. When someone who had been clean for some X amount of time had a slip up, and continuously beat themselves up for it. Of course, that won’t help them, but will it? Whether they had 10 years clean, 10 months clean, or 10 days clean, “relapsing is a part of recovery.” I can still hear some of the voices that I’ve heard… saying the words. It’s almost haunting.
I’ve come to conclude that, that does not have to be the case, and it should not be said as such. We need to find a better response to say to a recovering addict who has just slipped up. Telling
them us, that it is all a part of the process, and that relapses are supposed to happen, just isn’t always going to be okay anymore. I don’t think so at all. Yes, our personal failures, slips, falls, and relapses, are in fact, for sure a part of our process, but it is not a part of the actual process.
You do not have to relapse to hold onto your sobriety.
My why. Why do I believe this so strongly? Well, my friends. They are why. The people I’ve loved. They are why. The people I thought I would have in my life for all of my life, that is why. They are why.
Their relapses were all a part of their recovery process. Their Relapses were a part of their recovery process?? Their Path to recovery? One would get clean one way or another, stay clean for however long, relapse, or not, and start all over again. Right? That’s what I’ve always done. I go back to what I know. I have a go-to plan. I’ve always followed the same steps that I know I need to follow, that I know will get me back to where I needed to be.
Luckily, in the meantime, in the learning /process to my recovery, I did not die. By the Grace Of God, I did not yet die.
My people though. They relapse, and they die.
Now, they are forever sober. However, they did not leave in that way. Their relapse, the ‘part of their process’ to recovery, got them dead. It took away their lives and their chance at ever working the process again. It took away everything. The relapse that is a part of their recovery, killed them.
This is why I believe that we need to stop telling addicts that it is okay to relapse. Because it is not okay. It is not safe.
Forever in their 30’s. Forever your age. Forever Clean & Sober. Forever Loved and missed. Forever, may you rest peacefully, every single one of you.
Until we meet again my twin flame…
Please don’t be True.
Please don’t let what I believe to be true, be the real Truth.
Please be okay. Please be here still. Here on this Plane, in this universe somewhere, grounded. On dry land, on shore.
Please don’t be what I think it is. Please.
I hope it’s something simple. Simple, no that’s not the word… but just anything, anything other than what I’m starting to believe.
I am aware that everyone has a sobriety date, or at least, everyone will. Though they are not all etched in stone, some very much are. Some proudly display their sobriety date on their facebook and IG walls, while others have it literally engraved in their stone, their headstone. Then there’s the people, who end up back stuck in the middle, ( many of us ) – or just – straight still in the middle BEEN in between, never left. The ones that happen to slip & fall, Sh$# that’s a bad hit. A bad feeling, I know it all too well. It happens to the best of us, but not all of us make it back from that slip and fall. That’s the worst part about relapse.
That’s why we are always in recovery. Always trying to stay clean.
Birth Dates, Sobriety Dates, Anniversary Dates, and Death dates, all seem to eventually add up. They all end up with multiple meanings, to multiple people, there’s billions of us. When we share such dates though, is when the meaning is given, therefore it serves purpose. Many purposes. Sharing a sobriety date with a loved ones birth date. Sharing a Birth date with a loved ones death date. Sharing these days is what makes them special to us. Not the way they are written or where, or why.
I share my birth date with someone that I’ve loved. I share my sobriety date with someone else that I’ve loved, it was their Birth date, when they were still on this plane. It’s why I hold it so closely.
I share the date of the first time I gave birth, with a friend I love, except it was the last date she gave birth. Our daughters share their Birth Date. Which is also, the day of my grandfather’s Birth Date, not year, of course. My anniversary Date has been the same date, in 2 very long term relationships. Another child of mine’s Birth date, another date that I gave birth, is shared with Halloween.
There are so many dates I remember for so many reasons, yet half the time I cannot even remember where I left my keys!
I’m just praying that your still okay.