Very much like you, I’m stubborn. Maybe we’re stubborn in different ways. Either way.
I thought of you tonight. It was the first time in a long time that ive thought of you. I even searched your name on messenger,nothing recent.
For all I know , those messages go back 10-15 years… maybe I’d smile? Maybe I’d cry?
Idk. I don’t even want to.
Know, that is.
Can I start over, by saying how grateful I am that your alive??
Maybe I’m a hypocrite. But never in bad form or intentionally. I love you.
You’re a piece to my puzzle. Actually, a missing piece. How it’s been so long just doesn’t even make sense to me.
We werebest friends for years…
My longest friend.
I wish you were here to see, and hear SO MANY THINGS .
I love you. I miss you col.
Our babies have grown, my kids aren’t any longer Tiny infants and toddlers. We are no longer each other’s best friends.
And it’s my fault for being so weak.
I’m sorry that I was unsure of who to really trust with what just yet.*
I’m sorry you were backed into a corner.
I’m sorry that you blame me.
Overall I’m just so sorry for not being who you needed me to be, the best friend you needed in me.
I hope you are on top of the world with those boys.
Girls- both of you . I love and miss y’all more than I could show ❤️
ALL my love, and BEST wishes. From a blog you may never see . xoxo
***That my friends alone is a lesson – every person you trust – can and should ONLY be trusted with the type of ishhh they can be trusted with – otherwise- you literally cannot trust them. One per genera .
In times like these, we are supposed to come together as a community. We are supposed to have each others backs. It takes a village, and right now, even more than just that. Lets make a difference today.
It was true. He is gone. Rob is gone. He left behind his family, his friends. He left behind my darling friend Alex, and their 2 beautiful babies, Mila & Sean, only 3 & 4 years old. Tonight, 2/18/21 is his wake. Tomorrow he will be laid to rest, next to his father, who passed away when Rob was a kid. Its tragic.
The whole thing, is Tragic. Our Birthday will never be the same. Rob and his twin brother and myself shared a birthday. I can’t imagine Rich’s pain. I wish I could do more, but I have been trying to keep a healthy distance, for everyone.
Its fine. I can do it silently.
So, I made a meal train for her and the kids for the next few days / weeks, whatever I can cover. I cannot do it alone, as much as I truly wish I could. I’d like to ask my followers a favor. Please.
Alex also has a Go-Fund me , as she had to leave her job, to be with her children during this time. She is now to raise her and Rob’s children, without him, alone. This is new, its a fresh wound. A deep deep wound that will scar us forever. She has to navigate for herself, and her children, through this new, unwanted world of theirs.
Please help me by clicking this link here, or below, and, if you aren’t close enough to take part in the meal train, please consider sending a door dash or grub hub gift card through the meal train link. It is so simple and easy, and yet it will truly go such a long way. Even $15, on a door dash card, so that she can focus more on getting herself and her babies though the next few days, especially.
Calling a local-to-her, Pizza joint and ordering her and her 2 kids a couple pizzas, or chicken finger dinners, anything.. simple, easy, cheap – it goes such a long way. Please, consider helping me to help her and those babies this week.
Please reach out with any questions & thank you all in advance <3
I don’t know exactly what it is with us. Was. What it was, with us. I just don’t know exactly what it was about us. There was something though. Something. A connection of some type, much different than any other.
A cosmic connection, or magnetic forces.. something always brought us back to one another. Even if we never really were.We were not ever an us – but we were always us.
I knew it before I even had the slightest thought of it. I knew it before I ever really even knew it. I felt it. That sounds so strange, even reading it back to myself. It sounds like a narrated script read aloud in the very first scene of a sad movie. It sounds so scripted. So fictional. It isn’t though, it’s real life, and real thoughts. I’m just writing them as they come.
I’ve lost some of the most important friendships and relationships in my life, to drugs, and death. Drugs always ultimately result in death. Period. Note that. Save that. Highlight it. Remember it and never ever forget it. It is nothing but the truth.
Early on in my first attempts at recovery, I was always taught that; Relapse is a part of the process, it is a part of your recovery. You must fall to get back up stronger. You need to fail to know what it feels like, to always remember.
It was something that was said by lots of people, in lots of places. Recovery specialists in programs, counselors, therapists both inpatient and outpatient, long time recovering addicts in the rooms of AA & NA, C.O’s and or fellow addicts in prisons, or institutions. It was the nice way to react when someone was feeling bad about themselves for relapsing. When someone who had been clean for some X amount of time had a slip up, and continuously beat themselves up for it. Of course,that won’t help them, but will it? Whether they had 10 years clean, 10 months clean, or 10 days clean, “relapsing is a part of recovery.” I can still hear some of the voices that I’ve heard… saying the words. It’s almost haunting.
I’ve come to conclude that, that does not have to be the case, and it should not be said as such. We need to find a better response to say to a recovering addict who has just slipped up. Telling themus, that it is all a part of the process, and that relapses are supposed to happen, just isn’t always going to be okayanymore. I don’t think so at all. Yes, our personal failures, slips, falls, and relapses, are in fact, for sure a part of our process, but it is not a part of the actual process.
You do not have to relapse to hold onto your sobriety.
My why. Why do I believe this so strongly? Well,my friends.They are why. The people I’ve loved. They are why. The people I thought I would have in my life for all of my life, that is why. They are why.
Their relapses were all a part of their recovery process. Their Relapses were a part of their recovery process??Their Path to recovery? One would get clean one way or another, stay clean for however long, relapse, or not, and start all over again. Right? That’s what I’ve always done. I go back to what I know. I have a go-to plan. I’ve always followed the same steps that I know I need to follow, that I know will get me back to where I needed to be.
Luckily, in the meantime, in the learning /process to my recovery, I did not die. By the Grace Of God, I did not yet die.
My people though. They relapse, and they die.
Now, they are forever sober. However, they did not leave in that way. Their relapse, the ‘part of their process’ to recovery, got them dead. It took away their lives and their chance at ever working the process again. It took away everything. The relapse that is a part of their recovery, killed them.
This is why I believe that we need to stop telling addicts that it is okay to relapse. Because it is not okay. It is not safe.
Forever in their 30’s. Forever your age. Forever Clean & Sober. Forever Loved and missed. Forever, may you rest peacefully, every single one of you.
I think she is going to kill me. Her or him.. I do not know anymore. I don’t even know the difference between the 2 of them anymore unless we are face to face, which does not ever happen anymore. They are keyboard warriors.
I do not even F@#$ with them. They have to stay f@#$ing with me though. Always. Randomly. They pop up.
I hear footsteps, crunching in the solid, hardened, snow. Do they not realize that I can hear? The only other sounds to be heard was my wind chimes. Lots, and lots of beautiful, whimsical, wind chimes.
A neighbor comes out for her bedtime smoke. The door creaks, she coughs, the footsteps go silent, but still, there is something, someone, wrestling in and with the bushes.
The neighbor to the left pulls up into their driveway, loudest car ever. Headlights shining directly into the restless bushes.
Someone is over there.Someone is listening, well, watching. Waiting.
I stay put for as long as my soft, sensitive skin will allow in this type of weather. I am right here.
Two of the cameras have picked up slight movement, with some noises, voices, what are they saying? What do they want from me?
I get a notification, a facebook messenger kind. It’s them. His facebook, but I cannot determine which one of them it is hiding behind their phones, their texts, talk to texts that make no sense at all, their her illiterate writing skills. I think its her. It has to be her. She is very insecure.
That is why the messages I’m receiving are vicious , mean, down right hateful and nasty. It’s her.
She is watching closely…. yet says I am the one looking for their chaos. No, no… I am not seeking your bullshit, however – I am aware.
I am very aware. I am sure to know, whatever I need to know. I will not act. I will wait.
Waiting is what I’ve been doing. Watching, waiting. A year of wasted energy and time… actually, 2 years now? Wow. What a waste.
I wish they would do well. I wish they would get right. I wish they would leave me alone. I’d do anything to get that poor man away from that demon of a woman. She is crack.Her life is that exactly.
His never was. Shes got to go.
Not my business anymore, just sad. Regardless, leave me alone. I am an adult. A grown women who wakes up every single morning to raise a family. Something she is not familiar with. I think to her, responsibility, life, etc… is just a figment of imagination. She does not believe people can be normal.
That’s fine. Live and Let Live, RIGHT?
I may be a mother, an adult, a women, but I will do whatever it takes to protect myself and my family.
They became far to close, far to quickly. Neither of them saw or felt coming what was unraveling between the 2 of them, until it was too late to go back. Little did they know, the coming of revelations would be a faux pas , neither of them would ever forget.
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