You could ….

Oh the things you could do, if you felt the way about me, that I feel about you.

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By Queenie

You could feel the way I feel,

You could hurt the way I hurt,

You could want the way crave,

You could need the way I need you,

You could love, the way that I love you

And even want all of the same things too.

You could wish the things I wish,

You could cry over someone, the way I cry over you-

You could want commitment the way I want it too,

You could do all of these things,

This I know is true –

But only if you were with someone new

Cause I know you’ll never feel the same about me, as I feel about you.

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You could

    This is what I’d say…

    Dear old me, if I could come to you in a Dream, or send a letter to the past, this is what I’d say…

    If only I could have come to you. Like they do in the movies… from the future. Things would be different. Maybe I’d we’d be happy.

    Maybe I could’ve prevented a lot of heartache, pain, & suffering.

    I’d have told you that you look beautiful. All the time. I’d have told you that you cannot depend on anyoneever. Except for you.

    You can’t wait around expecting everyone else to take care of you. Even if they do. You still have to have the ability to do things yourself and for yourself.

    Trying your hardest isn’t for anyone else- in the moment, yeah maybe- but in the long run, it’s all for you.

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    It’s you your proving yourself to. It’s you that wants to see you do great things. It’s you that wants you to achieve great things and become great things… & it is You who should learn from your mistakes.

    In the long run, the only person rooting for you is you. Yea you might have your own personal Cheerleaders cheering you on, but they don’t can’t care as much as you do, about you.

    I’d have told you that it really doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks. It REALLY DOES NOT!!! I would Even pinky swear it & Seal it with a Kiss.

    I’d have agreed that yes, self affirmations do seem and sound silly; like a silly thing to do, and that your metabolism is even sillier – but to believe in both.

    I’d have told you to Enjoy your young body while you have it, and to have it for as long as you can- I’d have told you that it really is Your Sacred Space- that way you could enjoy every stage that follows youth.

    That way you didn’t hold onto things with such a death-like grip.

    That way, it was easier for you to move on.

    That way, letting go and moving on don’t become the most impossible, Soul crushing , Feats that never fail to break you from the very core of your spirit.

    I’d have told you to believe them. Believe every compliment you’ll ever receive – Even if you don’t believe the person giving it.

    I’d have told you to Always be Loyal, especially to yourself. That way, when someone else truly deserves your loyalty, you’ll give it without a second thought. Like Second Nature.

    That way, you aren’t too busy being loyal to the ones who aren’t loyal to you. That way, you don’t spend half of your life questioning why someone is loyal to you. That way, you don’t break your heart, and a heart that isn’t yours.

    I’d tell you to always Cherish the people who have your back. Even if they don’t always have it. Cherish them, but do not come to Rely on them.

    I’d tell you that you are Worthy and Deserving of love, happiness, and all things good, but that life isn’t always just those things.

    I’d tell you that in order to matter you have to make a difference, and in order to make a difference, you have to matter. Or at least it will feel that way.

    I’d tell You to sprinkle bits and pieces of you, everywhere you go. Leaving parts of you behind. In the places that need you. In the places you’ll matter.

    I’d tell you that your going to want to leave behind a Legacy bigger than anything you’d ever do.

    So I’d ask you if you could please start working on that now.

    I’d tell you that, the way things are going now, by the time you turn 30, you’ll feel empty- Even filled with all that you’ll know. You’ll feel bad. Like something is Missing. Dooomed. Afraid even.

    The ‘no’ memories …

    Ever think of a memory… and while your thinking of it…. Your thinking, or saying out loud …, “ no, no, noopee…” ?

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    It can’t only be me.

    Are those the bad memories?? The ones our brains want us to forget altogether. The ones we do usually end up forgetting altogether .

    It’s like, even though it’s running through my head, maybe even … call it a flashback…. I do not want to think about it now or ever again.

    I never really thought of it that way.

    But thank you brain, for healing my heart ❣️

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      A thought for the day that I’m struggling with, that I’ve never looked at afar, from FmomB.. xO.

      70,128 Hours Without You

      70,128 hours. 96 months. 417,4 weeks. 2,922 days. 4207680.0 Minutes. 252460800 Seconds.

      8 years?? 8 years…. 2 more children , 4 apartments, 2 houses, 3 states, 6 + Vehicles – hell that last one might be slightly off, but whose counting? Countless losses that I don’t even want to begin listing.. For our generation? …Generations? More than I can count in my head.

      One full blown relapse. 4 revolving doors to familiar rehabs & a jagged edged 6 year recovery. [ no this isn’t the 12 days of Christmas Parody ] I should know what the day is. I’ve been waiting for it. Just as quickly as all the other dates that I thoughtlessly count down to come creeping up on me, my mind begins to shut it out. Trying to forget . Lizard brain? Monkey brain? Elephant brain?? Short Term Brain? Grief Brain? Trauma brain? That might take the cake, and even if some of those are not really a thing, it’s what I’m calling it these days.

      That might be a part of the reason I didn’t realize it was “the date” today. Even as I wrote it down on the tardy sheet 2xs today, signing my kids in on the 3 minutes “late” mark, (happens more often than I’d like to admit). As many times as I had typed the date into a text message, or as many times as I swiped through my Phone’s Calendar trying to book client’s and schedule Doctors appointments non synchronously in the days before, leading up to today, knowing how close it was. I know what today is, and I knew it was coming.

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      Make a Wish….
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      I’m still here, and it’s been 8 whole years since you have not been here. It’s been 8 whole years that I’ve dreaded what was once my favorite month.

      I’ve outlived you. I’m a year older than you ever were.

      How is that possible?

      How has the world turned 8 whole times without you?

      You were my first lesson in loss. Losing you, showed me what it feels like to lose someone you truly love, that deep kinda love that hurts your soul, even when it is good. It maybe even prepared me for what was yet to come.

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      I’ve added Loss to the list of firsts. You were a repeat offender on my first’s list. Not things like, first kiss, first love, first time, first boyfriend… no not those kind of first’s.

      First Love & Friend Loss. You were the first Friend I ever lost, and the first Love I ever lost.

      First Aff….

      Let’s put a pin in that & save that list for another day.

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      The first time I ever loved someone so much and had them so fucking Rudely and abruptly taken away from this Plane. I had no idea. I texted you, called you, left voicemails & joked.. asking you to resend that picture… the new Rock??

      I knew you’d never willingly leave without notice. That you wouldn’t make plans for Saturday if you knew it wasn’t going to come.

      I knew you.

      I knew you even if for only 8 years.

      We had gone through so much in such a short time, and even though we were not together, I knew you still had that love for me.

      I don’t even completely understand how you’ve been gone for the same amount of years as I knew you.

      If I’m a year older than you ever got to be, am I older than you now? Are you forever 31?

      I love you pxs3, the best friend I’d ever have, the only male version of myself I could ever love.

      I’ll never forget our last conversation, just the day before, and will forever ask myself the same questions. Did you know? Were you trying to tell me something? Were you saying Goodbye, See you there? Or was the universe trying to tell me?

      We talked about the Devils Throne,& how we’d take it over.. You & I. Promoted ‘King & Queen’ of a world we don’t know exists.

      I remember exactly where I was driving at that exact moment. Passing DW Park, sitting at the light, Park to my right.

      Smiling ear to ear listening to you talk, laughing together, joking about our happily ever afters. The conversation hadn’t started that way, no not at all even close. When I answered that very last phone call, you were crying... sniffling. Longing to be with your sons for the weekend, even if just for the day. You explained what was happening and how it mimicked what had happened some years before. You told me you couldn’t go through this again. You told me how Evil she was, and warned me to stay away from her cousin. I wish I had have listened…

      I Promised you I would be there for you whenever I could, I swore I’d do anything I was able for you, whenever my relationship with your ex best friend allowed. I told you we were fixing things, we had 2 toddlers & a new baby and things at home had just started getting better. I worked my ass off to get to where I was, and I said you could too… but none of that means we cant still be friends. No, We WILL be friends I swore to you, and I would tell him this weekend how I’m going to be there for you. He won’t mind, I promised.

      I’m Sorry for missing those calls that night. I’m sorry I didn’t check sooner.

      We are unstoppable, & no one can keep us apart, not even the Devil himself. No, we could and would overthrow him.

      You were finally Free. For the first time in years, we were Free Simultaneously.

      I had been waiting for this for years. Literally. I wanted to be there for you, with you, and this was it. So why? Why did You have to leave? You were once so strong, not only in the physical sense, but mental too.

      I wish I could play every single one of our memories on a projector, they were literally some of the most critical times of my life.

      I’d have followed you to the end of the world had time allowed. Where Would we be today?

      Where are you today? Do you forgive me? Are You Proud?

      I gave up everything for you.

      #yourajerk

      #kingandqueenoftheunderworld

      #myfavoriteperson

      #firstofmanyfirsts

      #iseeyoueverywhere

      #thanksforthememories

      PS. It was 21 Guns… the Music Video that played on MTV all Summer long. That woke us up to flashing lights & a really aggressive beat Every single time, at 2 – 3 AM. The song that gave us a hangover.

      Sources

      Source: for converting years to hours, mins, secs, days, weeks, months https://calculat.io/date/converter/hours–8–years

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      Mom’s Valentine’s Day 2022..

      As I sit here threading gold braided twine through each and every one of The Who knows how many , Valentine’s Day Bookmarks I hurried and began to make at around 6pm… because that’s who I am- I’m that mom- I’m last minute mom, last minute woman . I’m questioning my sanity.

      How many of these bookmarks will actually be used??

      How many of those time eating bookmarks are gonna be in recycling bins and trash barrels around my town tomorrow??

      As you can see, I’ve been busy.

      This gives me perspective to share, a different perspective… multiple perspectives.

      I’m that mom that carelessly, mindlessly , tosses the 3-4 bags/boxes filled with valentines away each year. Maybe not that day, that month, or even that year…. But eventually, they end up in a land fill from an annual purge.

      I am that mom.

      I am also the mom scrambling last minute to come up with simple ideas to incorporate into Valentine’s for four different age groups/ four different classes, without candy or snacks / food of any sort.

      I’ve got to come up with a valentine, omit the candy hearts. Maybe I don’t have to come up with it, but I do have to follow through with the creating process.

      I am the mom who stayed up all night finishing , cutting, tying, d.i.y-ing, cricut-ing .. to make sure each of my children had a bag of unique valentines to pass out to their class. ( Luckily daycare allows certain snacks 🙏🏻🤫🥳)

      So tomorrow, Today, if we don’t have a snow day – when our kids run into the house from school, dump their backpacks on the ground, reach for their bag ( or box) filled with a large variety of valentines from each and every one of their classmates – I’m going to remind myself to be more present.

      To stop and enjoy going through them with each of my children. Be equally excited.

      Not that I’m usually not that way anyways / just sometimes need to stop and remind myself to slow down.

      Listen , whether the kids valentines are store bought or hand made, they are usually equally thought out – it’s not something that needs too much effort on any end . Tonight I struggled with computer updates, and software issues , my laptop kept freezing right before go time – my cricut kept eating and tearing the bookmarks right at the very last steps…..

      I just wanted to make sure they had something –

      And now they do. And I’m exhausted and have my full body bone scan at 930 am today… but I chose to get those valentines done, and I’m not even a little bit mad or upset over it- I’m pumped I got it done.

      I’m this mom, I’m that mom, I’m Mom, and they didn’t hand me an instruction manual after any of my births.

      Happy Valentine’s Day y’all 😘😍❤️😘

      xoxo. Tmom

      There’s a little mom truth for today – food for thought .

      A mornings first thought

      What if a soul mate isn’t the person you first fell in love with, but the first person who fell in love with you?

      What if we’ve been looking at it wrong all along?

      Who would your soulmate be?

      Do you even remember? Or did you ever even know? Who keeps track? Or is there no track at all?

      CMsqsuared.imissyou.iloveyou.

      CcccccccM. I’m.so.sorry.

      Very much like you, I’m stubborn. Maybe we’re stubborn in different ways. Either way.

      I thought of you tonight. It was the first time in a long time that ive thought of you. I even searched your name on messenger,nothing recent.

      For all I know , those messages go back 10-15 years… maybe I’d smile? Maybe I’d cry?

      Idk. I don’t even want to.

      Know, that is.

      Can I start over, by saying how grateful I am that your alive??

      Maybe I’m a hypocrite. But never in bad form or intentionally. I love you.

      You’re a piece to my puzzle. Actually, a missing piece. How it’s been so long just doesn’t even make sense to me.

      We were best friends for years

      My longest friend.

      I wish you were here to see, and hear SO MANY THINGS .

      I love you. I miss you col.

      Our babies have grown, my kids aren’t any longer Tiny infants and toddlers. We are no longer each other’s best friends.

      And it’s my fault for being so weak.

      I’m sorry that I was unsure of who to really trust with what just yet.*

      I’m sorry you were backed into a corner.

      I’m sorry that you blame me.

      Overall I’m just so sorry for not being who you needed me to be, the best friend you needed in me.

      I hope you are on top of the world with those boys.

      Girls- both of you . I love and miss y’all more than I could show ❤️

      ALL my love, and BEST wishes. From a blog you may never see . xoxo

      Truly yours,

      GymClassheros

      ***That my friends alone is a lesson – every person you trust – can and should ONLY be trusted with the type of ishhh they can be trusted with – otherwise- you literally cannot trust them. One per genera .

      The Five Love Languages: Apply The Five Languages Overall

      This is a GREAT READ, by one of my fellow writers – click the link to read on about the 5 love languages. My favorite part is the “self love” language.

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      The 5 Love Languages can help us grow overall in our relationships with our spouses/ partners, children, and other relationships in applying in …

      The Five Love Languages: Apply The Five Languages Overall
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      Please consider

      Rest in The sweetest Peace Robert <3

      03.25.1990 – 02.08.2021

      In times like these, we are supposed to come together as a community. We are supposed to have each others backs. It takes a village, and right now, even more than just that. Lets make a difference today.

      It was true. He is gone. Rob is gone. He left behind his family, his friends. He left behind my darling friend Alex, and their 2 beautiful babies, Mila & Sean, only 3 & 4 years old. Tonight, 2/18/21 is his wake. Tomorrow he will be laid to rest, next to his father, who passed away when Rob was a kid. Its tragic.

      The whole thing, is Tragic. Our Birthday will never be the same. Rob and his twin brother and myself shared a birthday. I can’t imagine Rich’s pain. I wish I could do more, but I have been trying to keep a healthy distance, for everyone.

      Its fine. I can do it silently.

      So, I made a meal train for her and the kids for the next few days / weeks, whatever I can cover. I cannot do it alone, as much as I truly wish I could. I’d like to ask my followers a favor. Please.

      Alex also has a Go-Fund me , as she had to leave her job, to be with her children during this time. She is now to raise her and Rob’s children, without him, alone. This is new, its a fresh wound. A deep deep wound that will scar us forever. She has to navigate for herself, and her children, through this new, unwanted world of theirs.

      Please help me by clicking this link here, or below, and, if you aren’t close enough to take part in the meal train, please consider sending a door dash or grub hub gift card through the meal train link. It is so simple and easy, and yet it will truly go such a long way. Even $15, on a door dash card, so that she can focus more on getting herself and her babies though the next few days, especially.

      Calling a local-to-her, Pizza joint and ordering her and her 2 kids a couple pizzas, or chicken finger dinners, anything.. simple, easy, cheap – it goes such a long way. Please, consider helping me to help her and those babies this week.

      Please reach out with any questions & thank you all in advance <3

      Alex’s family

      https://mealtrain.com/5ee9rw

      https://www.mealtrain.com/trains/5ee9rw?fbclid=IwAR0ydhVmiyAEq6C8dNEoLHsrquav-f-WCHzgGw0LXJcq7xnaYm7Ml7Cx8ds

      Here is the Go Fund Me below – every other link is the Meal Train

      https://www.gofundme.com/static/js/embed.js

      I just knew

      I don’t know exactly what it is with us. Was. What it was, with us. I just don’t know exactly what it was about us. There was something though. Something. A connection of some type, much different than any other.

      A cosmic connection, or magnetic forces.. something always brought us back to one another. Even if we never really were. We were not ever an us – but we were always us.

      I knew it before I even had the slightest thought of it. I knew it before I ever really even knew it. I felt it. That sounds so strange, even reading it back to myself. It sounds like a narrated script read aloud in the very first scene of a sad movie. It sounds so scripted. So fictional. It isn’t though, it’s real life, and real thoughts. I’m just writing them as they come.


      I’ve lost some of the most important friendships and relationships in my life, to drugs, and death. Drugs always ultimately result in death. Period. Note that. Save that. Highlight it. Remember it and never ever forget it. It is nothing but the truth.

      Early on in my first attempts at recovery, I was always taught that; Relapse is a part of the process, it is a part of your recovery. You must fall to get back up stronger. You need to fail to know what it feels like, to always remember.

      It was something that was said by lots of people, in lots of places. Recovery specialists in programs, counselors, therapists both inpatient and outpatient, long time recovering addicts in the rooms of AA & NA, C.O’s and or fellow addicts in prisons, or institutions. It was the nice way to react when someone was feeling bad about themselves for relapsing. When someone who had been clean for some X amount of time had a slip up, and continuously beat themselves up for it. Of course, that won’t help them, but will it? Whether they had 10 years clean, 10 months clean, or 10 days clean, “relapsing is a part of recovery.” I can still hear some of the voices that I’ve heard… saying the words. It’s almost haunting.

      I’ve come to conclude that, that does not have to be the case, and it should not be said as such. We need to find a better response to say to a recovering addict who has just slipped up. Telling them us, that it is all a part of the process, and that relapses are supposed to happen, just isn’t always going to be okay anymore. I don’t think so at all. Yes, our personal failures, slips, falls, and relapses, are in fact, for sure a part of our process, but it is not a part of the actual process.

      You do not have to relapse to hold onto your sobriety.

      The why.

      My why. Why do I believe this so strongly? Well, my friends. They are why. The people I’ve loved. They are why. The people I thought I would have in my life for all of my life, that is why. They are why.

      Their relapses were all a part of their recovery process. Their Relapses were a part of their recovery process?? Their Path to recovery? One would get clean one way or another, stay clean for however long, relapse, or not, and start all over again. Right? That’s what I’ve always done. I go back to what I know. I have a go-to plan. I’ve always followed the same steps that I know I need to follow, that I know will get me back to where I needed to be.

      Luckily, in the meantime, in the learning /process to my recovery, I did not die. By the Grace Of God, I did not yet die.

      My people though. They relapse, and they die.

      Now, they are forever sober. However, they did not leave in that way. Their relapse, the ‘part of their process’ to recovery, got them dead. It took away their lives and their chance at ever working the process again. It took away everything. The relapse that is a part of their recovery, killed them.

      This is why I believe that we need to stop telling addicts that it is okay to relapse. Because it is not okay. It is not safe.

      Forever in their 30’s. Forever your age. Forever Clean & Sober. Forever Loved and missed. Forever, may you rest peacefully, every single one of you.

      Until we meet again my twin flame…

      Image result for twin flame images