America, Home Of the Controlled and the Controlling.

I was just a few weeks into my 16th year when I had an abortion, and it was not the worst decision I had ever made in my life. As a matter of fact, it really was not my decision at all.

The worst part about it? Was that my adult made the decision as to whether or not I would stay awake, or be put to ‘sleep‘ / lightly sedated, during the procedure.

The latter was what I wanted. I did not want to remember. But it was not up to me, none of this was. The latter, was not what was chosen.


This was not up to me. It was intended that I remember this experience. This was my lesson. I would be fully awake, so that I would know learn, to not get pregnant again.

That is not what I learned from this experience.

Even though I had some of the Best Health Insurance money could buy, and even though my boyfriend offered wanted to come with me, my Adult had lessons for each of us tucked into every pocket and up every sleeve.

My adult did have good intentions.

My Boyfriends lesson came out of his wallet in the form of a $500 Money Order.. for only $50 (or 100) more dollars, they would sedate me. It was my choice. Except when I didn’t have the extra money to hand over right then an there. Except when they brought my adult into the room.

This did not get to be my decision. Who was I, but a Dumb, Young, Sophomore, who found out she was pregnant by driving an hour away to the ‘Free Clinic, behind my Adult’s backs to get put on ‘The Pill‘ (Birth Control Pill)?

Who was I but a sneaky Teenager who did all the things her adult told her not to?

A few short years and a high school diploma later – and we were pregnant again.


The first person I did not call?

My Adult.

I knew right away what I was not doing.

I was not going back to that place.

Literally or Figuratively.

The place I had arrived at in the wee morning hours on what was the last day of the school year.

The place I had to use and remember a Secret code word to get in, but not before a Guard wanded me down to ensure the safety of others.

(Mind you this code word was the same code word for each one of the friends whom I accompanied to this same place throughout high school..)

The place where they took me into a room to counsel me, and told me that this was all ‘my choice‘. It didn’t matter my age, or what anyone else wanted me to say or do. All of the decisions being made on that day, would lie solely on me. My Body, My choice. But that just was not true.

The place where they made me feel like I mattered, like I was safe, like everyone there gave a shit about me and that everything was going to be OKAY.

And everything was okay, even when they wheeled me into the procedure room. Even when they sat me on the padded blue table, had me lie down and open my legs up. Open more..



A nurse told me to place my feet on these, and let my knees fall apart to each side, as far, open, and as relaxed, as I possibly could.

She held my hand and told me step by step, move by move what was happening before, after and as it was happening. I squeezed her hand through the pain as if to share my pain with her.

I could not do all any of that again.

This time; my our choice. And I was keeping our baby.


I’m grateful that the option was there – because had it not been, I may not have finished my high school education. I may not have walked at graduation with my graduating class mates.

However, I just wish that the first time I got pregnant, I was more informed, more educated on life. During a pregnancy, after a pregnancy, while having a child, what happens to my body, my mind, my life, my education.

All of it.

The only thing I factored into my decision was that my decision was taken away from me and I wasn’t going to let that happen again.

Little did I know, my ‘informed decision making process’ never fully formed into its own thing. It stopped at what I was told to do and why I was told.

child touching his mother lamb
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Two years after having my first born, I was pregnant again. I was about 3 or 4 months along when I began to miscarry. The Emergency room Doctors sent me home to pass what they described as a clot ‘no larger than an orange’. After what felt like days of labor, I passed the fetus, and I felt like I was dying for a whole 3 days later.

When I finally got myself home and to my home doctor, he told me I was hemorrhaging and needed to have a D&C and quickly. He sent me to the hospital next door, did an ultrasound and a few other short tests and within an hour, I was in a gown in a bright, cold, light, procedure room, with my doctor, the same Doctor who delivered my first born, having a D&C.

citrus fruits and ultrasound result on white surface
Photo by RODNAE Productions on

After having 3 children, I got pregnant again. During a regular Ultrasound Scan in my earlier weeks, I was told that the baby had bilateral cysts on her Brain, A Mild Marker of Trisomy 18.

I was told that at my next scan, at 21 weeks, even if the cysts disappeared; we would not know if the baby would be born with Trisomy 18 or not. I was told that it was something like a 1 in 50,000 chance that she would be born with Trisomy 18. At my 21 week scan, they noticed the cysts had disappeared, and that was the last ultrasound I got before the big D-Day!


I was completely horrified. I was receiving all sorts of information that I did not know what to do with. I could not make this decision. I could not go through a pregnancy only to lose my baby in the hours or days after birthing her, I would not be okay for me or for my other children.

In the state that I lived in, they would not perform a medical abortion after 21 weeks, unless absolutely deemed necessary. So I looked in other states around me. After long hard conversations with family, a lot of praying, crying and not understanding life – I decided that I would not do anything. I decided that I would pray, and that God would not give me anything that I could not handle – even if I could not understand it.

After 40 weeks of carrying my 4th beautiful blessing and not knowing what would happen on the day she was born, I chose to be induced, again. However, I knew something was not right. I had been telling asking my doctor for months if where her head should be, felt like a bum to him, and vise versa, to which he assured me that she was in the correct position.

She was not. She was Breech.

This ended in an Emergency C-Section. The thing I had spent hours watching t.v shows and a couple of Netflix specials on. C-Sections, exactly what I had always thought that I never wanted.

Once they pulled my newborn baby out of me and got her breathing, they allowed her dad to see her. After I heard her cry, I whispered through tears, ” Thank God.” but I still wasn’t sure if she would be okay. My first words after hearing her were, “Is she okay? Does she look Okay? Is she perfect?”

My stories are neither here nor there when it comes to abortion, or its laws, however, that is my whole point. I am grateful that there was always an option, a choice. Decisions are not easy to make, especially when it comes to life, and they should not be made for us, unless one is incapable of making such a decision. These are decisions that should be made solely by the women whose bodies are undergoing all this change. This is not about pro-life, anti life, pro se or anyones rights – this is purely about control.

road people art new york
Photo by Emma Guliani on

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70,128 Hours Without You

70,128 hours. 96 months. 417,4 weeks. 2,922 days. 4207680.0 Minutes. 252460800 Seconds.

8 years?? 8 years…. 2 more children , 4 apartments, 2 houses, 3 states, 6 + Vehicles – hell that last one might be slightly off, but whose counting? Countless losses that I don’t even want to begin listing.. For our generation? …Generations? More than I can count in my head.

One full blown relapse. 4 revolving doors to familiar rehabs & a jagged edged 6 year recovery. [ no this isn’t the 12 days of Christmas Parody ] I should know what the day is. I’ve been waiting for it. Just as quickly as all the other dates that I thoughtlessly count down to come creeping up on me, my mind begins to shut it out. Trying to forget . Lizard brain? Monkey brain? Elephant brain?? Short Term Brain? Grief Brain? Trauma brain? That might take the cake, and even if some of those are not really a thing, it’s what I’m calling it these days.

That might be a part of the reason I didn’t realize it was “the date” today. Even as I wrote it down on the tardy sheet 2xs today, signing my kids in on the 3 minutes “late” mark, (happens more often than I’d like to admit). As many times as I had typed the date into a text message, or as many times as I swiped through my Phone’s Calendar trying to book client’s and schedule Doctors appointments non synchronously in the days before, leading up to today, knowing how close it was. I know what today is, and I knew it was coming.

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Make a Wish….
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I’m still here, and it’s been 8 whole years since you have not been here. It’s been 8 whole years that I’ve dreaded what was once my favorite month.

I’ve outlived you. I’m a year older than you ever were.

How is that possible?

How has the world turned 8 whole times without you?

You were my first lesson in loss. Losing you, showed me what it feels like to lose someone you truly love, that deep kinda love that hurts your soul, even when it is good. It maybe even prepared me for what was yet to come.


I’ve added Loss to the list of firsts. You were a repeat offender on my first’s list. Not things like, first kiss, first love, first time, first boyfriend… no not those kind of first’s.

First Love & Friend Loss. You were the first Friend I ever lost, and the first Love I ever lost.

First Aff….

Let’s put a pin in that & save that list for another day.

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The first time I ever loved someone so much and had them so fucking Rudely and abruptly taken away from this Plane. I had no idea. I texted you, called you, left voicemails & joked.. asking you to resend that picture… the new Rock??

I knew you’d never willingly leave without notice. That you wouldn’t make plans for Saturday if you knew it wasn’t going to come.

I knew you.

I knew you even if for only 8 years.

We had gone through so much in such a short time, and even though we were not together, I knew you still had that love for me.

I don’t even completely understand how you’ve been gone for the same amount of years as I knew you.

If I’m a year older than you ever got to be, am I older than you now? Are you forever 31?

I love you pxs3, the best friend I’d ever have, the only male version of myself I could ever love.

I’ll never forget our last conversation, just the day before, and will forever ask myself the same questions. Did you know? Were you trying to tell me something? Were you saying Goodbye, See you there? Or was the universe trying to tell me?

We talked about the Devils Throne,& how we’d take it over.. You & I. Promoted ‘King & Queen’ of a world we don’t know exists.

I remember exactly where I was driving at that exact moment. Passing DW Park, sitting at the light, Park to my right.

Smiling ear to ear listening to you talk, laughing together, joking about our happily ever afters. The conversation hadn’t started that way, no not at all even close. When I answered that very last phone call, you were crying... sniffling. Longing to be with your sons for the weekend, even if just for the day. You explained what was happening and how it mimicked what had happened some years before. You told me you couldn’t go through this again. You told me how Evil she was, and warned me to stay away from her cousin. I wish I had have listened…

I Promised you I would be there for you whenever I could, I swore I’d do anything I was able for you, whenever my relationship with your ex best friend allowed. I told you we were fixing things, we had 2 toddlers & a new baby and things at home had just started getting better. I worked my ass off to get to where I was, and I said you could too… but none of that means we cant still be friends. No, We WILL be friends I swore to you, and I would tell him this weekend how I’m going to be there for you. He won’t mind, I promised.

I’m Sorry for missing those calls that night. I’m sorry I didn’t check sooner.

We are unstoppable, & no one can keep us apart, not even the Devil himself. No, we could and would overthrow him.

You were finally Free. For the first time in years, we were Free Simultaneously.

I had been waiting for this for years. Literally. I wanted to be there for you, with you, and this was it. So why? Why did You have to leave? You were once so strong, not only in the physical sense, but mental too.

I wish I could play every single one of our memories on a projector, they were literally some of the most critical times of my life.

I’d have followed you to the end of the world had time allowed. Where Would we be today?

Where are you today? Do you forgive me? Are You Proud?

I gave up everything for you.







PS. It was 21 Guns… the Music Video that played on MTV all Summer long. That woke us up to flashing lights & a really aggressive beat Every single time, at 2 – 3 AM. The song that gave us a hangover.


Source: for converting years to hours, mins, secs, days, weeks, months–8–years

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Our World is just a simulation?

Written as a thought august 21, 2021

Can you imagine that some little space alien child or man child are holding their version of an XBOX controller, controlling our every single move? Controlling everything we do, down to the clacking sounds I hear right now as I continue to type?

There is a theory that Our hardware runs solely on the speed of light?

I mean, it could totally make sense, right? This is something that I don’t understand.

Astrology & Such pt .1

Interesting find: Aries Weaknesses; ARIES TRAITS
Weaknesses: Lack of patience, mood alterations, predisposition for quick loss of temper, impulsiveness, aggressiveness. … Aries belongs to fiery sings, as Leo and Sagittarius do. That’s why, these folks are so overly active and are always looking forward doing something.

Best for Marriage and Partnerships: Libra

– Now that is quite interesting. I’ve been with my partner for a whopping 11 years now, my partner is a Libra. It just so happens that my previous partner of 5-6 years, was a Leo. After reading more about the Sag, I can say I’m quite content not having had any long term relationships with one. I don’t think so anyways & I’m usually pretty on point with the astrology stuff.

Libra: They are very smart and wish to win. They find great inspiration in reading, intriguing debates and meeting unconventional folks.

Whilst researching Aries, if I didn’t know anything about Aries just yet, this website tells me first and foremost that;

a. My day of the week is Tuesday

b. My favorite color is Red

c. My spirit animal is a Cheetah ( perfect)

& d. My number is 9 ( never knew!)

“These dynamic individualities are on a constant search of the answers to private and metaphysical issues. That’s their greatest indication.”

Read more: Astrology.Care

Yep! That’s me, always searching for deeper answers. Always looking for more.

The deeper I crawl into the rabbit hole of Zodiac signs, the higher my desire to know more becomes.

Have you ever read your horoscope of the day, the week, the month, or even for the year, and as you read on, your thinking to yourself, ” WHOA, how do they know? How’d they do that? What Crystal Ball is this writer looking into to discover exactly who I am and how my life is going?”. How do they do that? I mean really, is it just through research? That is exactly what I’m doing here, right now, researching the Zodiac signs. From all this information I’m absorbing, at this point, I could probably write my own horoscopes for certain signs!! Right? I’m not sure about that, but it seems like it’d be a LOT of work, a LOT of dedication right there. Some people, rely solely on their daily horoscopes. To complete every day tasks, and more… like;

  • Deciding which numbers to play on the lottery
  • Deciding what color/s to wear, or to not wear that day
  • To see if they will indeed find love or not,
  • To find out if their partner is being faithful, or not,
  • To decide if they should even leave the house that day, or if they are in for some serious shit for the day, and should just stay inside.

People use horoscopes for everything. I’ve got a story, it’s actually quite embarrassing, but hey, F@$?! IT!!

I’ve always believed mostly in horoscopes, or at least in the backgrounds of the Zodiac signs, their meanings and such. I of course like most other American Girls my age at the time, had my daily horoscope delivered either to my email, texted to me, through an app, OR at least, checked daily in the newspapers/ magazines!! ESPECIALLY magazines!! Boy, in my day- there really weren’t all of these online surveys, or online ” relationship quiz” , we didn’t go to a computer to do that sort of thing. No, we bought magazines. Teen Magazine. People, Teen Beat, COSMO, Seventeen. Oh gosh, I would be the happiest little cheerleader in the WORLD when my magazine subscriptions would come in the mail, ( mailbox, not email) Or, while standing in line at the grocery store with my mother, I’d look to the coolest looking magazine nearby, skim through the pages, and if she’d buy it for me, ahhhhhh!!!! I’d just GLOW inside and out with happiness!!! Laying on my floor, flipping through the pages of a teen magazine was the highlight of preteen-agehood back then! The best part though? The end. The last few pages- maybe even the very last page. Actually no, there were usually a few good perks throughout the pages, before magazines became such less of a thrill. The magazines almost always smelt amazing , leaving anything touched, with the scent of the latest and most expensive perfume. Scented inserts. HAH! That my friends, was some genius marketing. I guess I should say is, rather than was, as I see that some magazines still do this!

   Check this out, this is a really cool read, it was at the top of my  search results I got on google while looking into the " fragrance strips / Scented inserts". It's an article from MARCH 27th, (ironically) 1988 called, " OVERPOWERING THE SCENT MARKET". Written by Andrew H. Malcolm.  I found it 

Anyways, So yeah , our quizzes, and horoscopes were usually towards the end, or at the end, of the magazines, and it was definitely the best part. Some of the quiz names were just as silly as the ones you’d find on Facebook today.

  • ” What’s your FLAVOR?
  • “Make Your Crush Love you”
  • ” Will you and your B.F.F always stay B.F.F’S?
  • “What does your dream mean?”
  • ” Find out what day of the week you should be on the lookout for love”

Oh yah! Those are some excellent throwbacks!!

Pin on Graphics

I’m telling you, I used to follow/read these quizzes, and horoscopes, religiously. They were a life- line, they had the answers I needed to succeed in life. hahaha I’m so serious. So here it is… the embarrassing part.

As I got older, my horoscopes got more mature, right along with me. I stopped following and reading them so religiously, I think I almost completely stopped opening the texts, the emails, I ignored it all because … “its fake.” Okay, so I have had this job, and one of my co-workers is SUPER into astrology. Like, she knew everything about every zodiac sign, she knew which days of the current week were “the best days”, all the stuff astrology, she knew. So she was constantly reading off our horoscopes, telling us which color we should not be wearing on which day, etc. No harm, no foul.

Until, my partner and I were having a bit of a tough stretch, well, looking back, I was having a bit of a tough stretch, and the gravitational pull from my emotions dragged everyone I loved right into the dark with me. I was pregnant at this time & had a toddler at home. I was insecure, huge, exhausted, overwhelmed, emotional, and just was feeling awful. I come into work around 3pm, after just having worked an overnight , and my dear co-worker is all in amiss, worried, concerned, it was all over her face. I sit at my desk, prepare myself for my 2nd overnight shift, and said co-worker walks over, places a folded newspaper on top of my keyboard, and says something along the lines of… ‘ Read this… don’t panic, but does this sound to you, at all familiar?’ I go on, and read my daily horoscope. I don’t remember exactly what is says, but this goes on for about a week. I read my horoscope daily, and each day I make myself more stressed over it. It kept bringing up a dream. A dream that an Aries had recently had, that was not smoke and mirrors, it was happening in real life. Now, here I am, probably 7-8 months pregnant, exhausted. Drained. Defeated. Troubled. Feeling SO insecure. Well, I had been dreaming often of my partner cheating. As well as some of those awful pregnancy dreams we all tend to have towards the end. It was such a bad feeling I can’t even describe. I actually believed the dream/s, the horoscopes, the crazies… I went off on my partner, it made everything so much worse. I dove deep into a rabbit hole of dream meanings, horoscopes, etc. This is all pseudoscience, and I let it tear me apart over a dream.

My dream was not true, my partner was not cheating, never had, never has, never would. It’s funny because his Zodiac sign says all about how loyal, honest, trustworthy, etc etc, he is.

So, my point is I guess, those things really can f@#$ with you!!

I found this nice piece here that explains how astrologers write daily horoscopes.

Daily horoscopes are written using the Moon because the Moon changes signs every 2 to 2-1/2 days, this in turn changes our moods and emotions from day to day, so naturally the Moon would affect on us a daily basis, so using the Moon to write daily horoscopes makes sense.


I think it’s fair to say, I do slightly believe in zodiac signs, meanings, etc – HOWEVER, I don’t delve deep into the horoscope part. Not at all anymore. I can’t even tell you the last time I actually read my horoscope, but I do like to read about my sign. I love learning about the shifts of planets, retrogrades, how it effects our moods, cycles, relations, etc. I’m a strong believer, I just can’t with horoscopes. I just CAN, and DO, with signs though.

The next part of this will be solely dedicated to the zodiac signs. I promise, I won’t bounce your brain all over the place like mine! :]