Being in Recovery feels like someone took a Permanent Marker and drew all over your face and all over every important document with your name.
It feels like it’s a brand.
Sometimes, in recovery- it feels as though things will never get better.
You might feel like your running up a hill– and every time you finally see the top, a big gust of fucks-with-your-life – blows you back to the bottom.
E v e r y time you feel hopeful; that gust blows you back to your place.
It can be sodefeating.
There are days where you might ask yourself, “ Why do I bother? Why am I here?”. Or maybe your stuck in the, “why me?” Phase, again.
Some days you might find yourself blankly staring at walls, as if your reading a cheat sheet for life. Really your just staring emptily.
Hungry for something more.. but afraid you’ll have to eat it.
That could mean so many things.
You could be so many things.
This is just another test.
Everything is just a test, how can’t we always see that??
It’s all about knowing the right answer. It’s not about learning no- more . We did plenty of that before.
It doesn’t always come right away, and sometimes you won’t even notice.
Little by little good things will happen, you have to pay attention.
You can behave and be clean, be sober and walk the straight and narrow – but if your not making moves, you are not going to move any differently than you were.
You might sit and binge Netflix, Hulu or prime, you might wake up everyday for breakfast and not commit a single crime- but if your avoiding the things you shouldn’t, than your only wasting your own precious time.
I can say this because I know it, because I do it myself all the time.
And I “beat myself up” , while I’m ignoring my phones chime.
Than I feel like I’m doing something, because I’m sitting here Writing, and I know that I can rhyme.
Any who; in recovery, life can be fine.
You were stuck in your ways that are hard to move on from .
It’s easy to change who you are when your doing nothing good and throwing your life away.
It’s not easy to change when you have to come back from that.
Did you know you’d never be able to go back to who you were before??
People say it, and you hear it but what do they know?
You can do anything; be anyone you want.
Until you can’t. Until you won’t.
Climb the ladder, no matter how tall. Don’t even worry about every time you fall.
Sometimes life will surprise you, it happened to me today.
I was accepted by someone important who gave me a leadership place.
She looked at me, not past me – she gave me so much of her time.
I cannot explain the feeling I had. My heart was jumping; I felt A rush of sadness and with tears brought such a smile. A light.
It’s not always rainbows and mostly it’s clouds … but sometimes the sun is only just behind a tree – you just need to move a little more and get a better line of site.
As I sit here threading gold braided twine through each and every one of The Who knows how many , Valentine’s Day Bookmarks I hurried and began to make at around 6pm… because that’s who I am- I’m that mom- I’m last minute mom, last minute woman . I’m questioning my sanity.
How many of these bookmarks will actually be used??
How many of those time eating bookmarks are gonna be in recycling bins and trash barrels around my town tomorrow??
As you can see, I’ve been busy.
This gives me perspective to share, a different perspective… multiple perspectives.
I’m that mom that carelessly, mindlessly , tosses the 3-4 bags/boxes filled with valentines away each year. Maybe not that day, that month, or even that year…. But eventually, they end up in a land fill from an annual purge.
I am that mom.
I am also the mom scrambling last minute to come up with simple ideas to incorporate into Valentine’s for four different age groups/ four different classes, without candy or snacks / food of any sort.
I’ve got to come up with a valentine, omit the candy hearts. Maybe I don’t have to come up with it, but I do have to follow through with the creating process.
I am the mom who stayed up all night finishing , cutting, tying, d.i.y-ing, cricut-ing .. to make sure each of my children had a bag of unique valentines to pass out to their class. ( Luckily daycare allows certain snacks 🙏🏻🤫🥳)
So tomorrow, Today, if we don’t have a snow day – when our kids run into the house from school, dump their backpacks on the ground, reach for their bag ( or box) filled with a large variety of valentines from each and every one of their classmates – I’m going to remind myself to be more present.
To stop and enjoy going through them with each of my children. Be equally excited.
Not that I’m usually not that way anyways / just sometimes need to stop and remind myself to slow down.
Listen , whether the kids valentines are store bought or hand made, they are usually equally thought out – it’s not something that needs too much effort on any end . Tonight I struggled with computer updates, and software issues , my laptop kept freezing right before go time – my cricut kept eating and tearing the bookmarks right at the very last steps…..
I just wanted to make sure they had something –
And now they do. And I’m exhausted and have my full body bone scan at 930 am today… but I chose to get those valentines done, and I’m not even a little bit mad or upset over it- I’m pumped I got it done.
I’m this mom, I’m that mom, I’m Mom, and they didn’t hand me an instruction manual after any of my births.
Happy Valentine’s Day y’all 😘😍❤️😘
There’s a little mom truth for today – food for thought .
10:56pm Sitting outside on my “stoop” aka … farmers… porch 🤣😂 – the air changes… the breeze feels stuffy, and all of a sudden it’s not.
I think of you…
I can’t tell you exactly why- it was just like one second you were there, the next you weren’t.
At first an indoor affair came to mind, something that happened in my adult years. Seconds later, a line or 2 into the song, you come to mind. Not the last version of you I saw. The high school, awkward, 8th grade you. Maybe this was a song we listened to together with friends or maybe on one of our blunt cruises..
Next up @ a little past 11pm, still on the same stoop..
His government, was Cory, but as of late, he went by Versaje, with a J cuz he can’t afford it. ;] His words, not mine. VersaJe was such a fitting name for him if that makes any sense. It suited him so well. We have been friends since around the 8th grade, and he was always GUCCI. That is legit. So the fact that now, at 31 years old, he took on the name, and was, VersaJe… it’s just, perfect.
If you knew him, you loved him. I loved him. I loved every bit of our friendship. As we got older, it was one of the realest, just like him, just like me. We were always raw, real, bold, and just, THE MOST, with each other. Always. We did the most. He was one of my biggest fans, someone who supported me through and through, and I him.
Something happened though, we didn’t keep in touch. We didn’t answer our phones as often, or with as much excitement as we usually did. We didn’t check-in/up on each other at random times anymore. We just lost touch, we stopped blowing up each other’s phone’s with messages, comments, facetime calls, we just stopped. I’m not sure really, I do not understand why, but I am beginning to unearth the lessons that my beloved friend has taught me.
I’ve lost a lot of people lately, too many in fact. So I am used to hearing the cliches that come with loss. This one though, is starting to hit me differently, it’s starting to make more sense to me, in a different way. They say, something along the lines of people being lessons… it’s put in many different ways. Different versions… but the one I’ve come to know, is this next one.
That is a big pill to swallow. It makes sense though.
Well, I mean, I guess.
Right now though, today, I can say with certainty, that I’d trade in all the lessons I’ve learned from and throughout our friendship, to have Cory here today. There are plenty of other people I can learn lessons from. Why my people? Why so many of my people? Why so many of the good ones?
Cory was a good one. Always. I won’t say that he didn’t have a mean bone in his body, because he did, but you would never know it, unless of course you crossed him or someone he loved.
Our friendship began in Rockland, circa 2002 at ‘party centraL’ ( aka at the Westberg’s house ). We were ” The Crew”, ” The shadies”, CCCCCSQUARED <3 . That is ALL for another story, this one is strictly Cor.
He was, if not THE first, than one of the first boys I ever really kissed. It happened in the ditch. That night my friends and I had gone to the teen center and came back with Cory, Ryan & Chris. We thought we were SO cool. That was the beginning of our friendship, Cory’s and mine.
It’s crazy when I think about it, because sooo much has happened in the last 10 years alone, nevermind the last 20+, and throughout it all, all the addictions, the drama, the losses, the people, the places and the things, the growing we both did and did not do, we still remained friends, CLOSE friends, thoughout all of these years. Not all of us have kept in touch, but all of us have kept in touch with Cory.
Cory was the common denominator in my life. He was always there.
One of Cory’s passions was planning events and bringing the people he loved together. He was always a comedian, and could make anyone laugh with his charismatic wit.
I am grateful to Cory for so many things, so many things that I cannot even begin to list them here. I am the most grateful for the fact that Cory always loved me, no matter what, we could always talk to each other about our shit without judgement or fear, and with PLENTY of jokes — SELFISHHH <3 .
As I try to write about my dear friend, I’m listening to his PodCast on Anchor. I’m struggling a bit through the sadness, so for now, I’ll end here. Im so grateful to be able to hear his voice, and some of his thoughts on ANCHOR- Go listen now – his name is Versaje on Anchor- That’s V-E-R-S-A-J—E J BEFORE THE E CUZ HE CAN’T AFFORD IT!
Rest in the sweetest Peace My Dear Friend Cory Until We Meet Again Angel <3
It was not very hard for many of us to say goodbye to 2020. I know a handful of people, some who have not stayed up to watch the ball drop in decades, yet this year they had to. They had to literally watch 2020 leave, open the door for it, and SO excitedly WAVE GOODBYE to 2020 and hugely welcome in 2021. There were no such theatrics in my home, not by me anyways. I won’t be so excited like that until I can get out of this damn house!
Today is the 4th day of 2021; January 4th, 2021. The last time there was any type of uninterrupted normalcy around these parts, was in March of 2020. Yes, I know that Covidstarted long before the date of March 12th 2020, (the last normal school day for my children&I), but only then is when we were personally affected by the global pandemic. As far as I can tell you. It all sort of brings me back, back to 9-11-01. To this day I can still remember exactly where I was,( 7th grade), the classroom I was in, (History on the yellow team), the teachers NAME (Mr. Goodell), and all the rest of what went down on that horrific, nightmare of a day, in the United States. I remember by the time I got home, I was so afraid. We lived in Boston Ma, not in New York, so why was I so scared?
I remember those 2 days, better than any thing else I can remember from that long ago. However, this is much Larger. This is a global wide pandemic. I think of it is as the Plague of our time.
Another event that I can clearly remember, was in the 4th grade. I lived in Rhode Island that year and that year only, Lincoln RI. I do not remember anything about the school I was in, what the classsrooms looked like, or even what a normal day in my life was like back then, but I do remember the very serious bomb threat that my school received on one very disgustingly hot, humid day. The caller had said that there was X amount of bombs hidden throughout the schools. I remember the weather because the entire school had to evacuate the building, along with 2 or 3 other schools in the area. We stood outside in the humid air for HOURS, waiting for the bomb squad, and my at the time best friend Natasha, actually nearly fainted due to the humidity, but the nurse said she collapsed and called it a day. Thinking back on it, they were creating some type of distraction, or other, by not only confusing US KIDS, but also our parents, relatives, and anyone else, by holding us outside, yet not yet telling any families of the going ons yet, and later that day, once we were released ( I want to say it was approaching nightfall at that point), they sent us all on random routes on random buses and drove us around for another hour or 3, shuffling us all over. To say that My mother was PISSED, would be a large understatement. She had no idea where I was for the majority of the day! Does anyone else remember this?? That day was not anywhere near as scary, traumatic, threatening, dangerous ETC- as this, no, but it does put into perspective the things we may remember into adulthood, and how we perceive these events as children.