is it the lighting??
Something in the air!!
is it the lighting??
Something in the air!!
The glue that keeps the pieces together.
The beds would not be made,
Homework would not be done,
Teeth would not be brushed, faces left unclean & eyes would never leave the screens.
Dishes might be done, but not put away-
Dinner would be made, but sit out for days and days.
Laundry might be clean, but not folded nor put in it’s right places…
If mom wasn’t here – there’s be so many empty spaces.
Coats and sheets would stay dirty,
So would the floors.
Never mind the shower- the toilet bowl would be a horror.
Love would still be given,
Love would still be felt,
But questions would be ignored & everything would melt…
Books would go unread and maybe things would go unsaid –
Like Mama keeps every household going – even when she’s no longer glowing.
Being in Recovery feels like someone took a Permanent Marker and drew all over your face and all over every important document with your name.
It feels like it’s a brand.
Sometimes, in recovery- it feels as though things will never get better.
You might feel like your running up a hill– and every time you finally see the top, a big gust of fucks-with-your-life – blows you back to the bottom.
E v e r y time you feel hopeful; that gust blows you back to your place.
It can be so defeating.
There are days where you might ask yourself, “ Why do I bother? Why am I here?”. Or maybe your stuck in the, “why me?” Phase, again.
Some days you might find yourself blankly staring at walls, as if your reading a cheat sheet for life. Really your just staring emptily.
Hungry for something more.. but afraid you’ll have to eat it.
That could mean so many things.
You could be so many things.
This is just another test.
Everything is just a test, how can’t we always see that??
It’s all about knowing the right answer. It’s not about learning no- more . We did plenty of that before.
It doesn’t always come right away, and sometimes you won’t even notice.
Little by little good things will happen, you have to pay attention.
You can behave and be clean, be sober and walk the straight and narrow – but if your not making moves, you are not going to move any differently than you were.
You might sit and binge Netflix, Hulu or prime, you might wake up everyday for breakfast and not commit a single crime- but if your avoiding the things you shouldn’t, than your only wasting your own precious time.
I can say this because I know it, because I do it myself all the time.
And I “beat myself up” , while I’m ignoring my phones chime.
Than I feel like I’m doing something, because I’m sitting here Writing, and I know that I can rhyme.
Any who; in recovery, life can be fine.
You were stuck in your ways that are hard to move on from .
It’s easy to change who you are when your doing nothing good and throwing your life away.
It’s not easy to change when you have to come back from that.
Did you know you’d never be able to go back to who you were before??
People say it, and you hear it but what do they know?
You can do anything; be anyone you want.
Until you can’t. Until you won’t.
Climb the ladder, no matter how tall. Don’t even worry about every time you fall.
Sometimes life will surprise you, it happened to me today.
I was accepted by someone important who gave me a leadership place.
She looked at me, not past me – she gave me so much of her time.
I cannot explain the feeling I had. My heart was jumping; I felt A rush of sadness and with tears brought such a smile. A light.
It’s not always rainbows and mostly it’s clouds … but sometimes the sun is only just behind a tree – you just need to move a little more and get a better line of site.
Read more of this content when you subscribe today.
Ever think of a memory… and while your thinking of it…. Your thinking, or saying out loud …, “ no, no, noopee…” ?
It can’t only be me.
Are those the bad memories?? The ones our brains want us to forget altogether. The ones we do usually end up forgetting altogether .
It’s like, even though it’s running through my head, maybe even … call it a flashback…. I do not want to think about it now or ever again.
I never really thought of it that way.
But thank you brain, for healing my heart ❣️
A thought for the day that I’m struggling with, that I’ve never looked at afar, from FmomB.. xO.
Listen to the most recent episode of my podcast: What happened to Aunt Jemima ? https://anchor.fm/truth-mommy/episodes/What-happened-to-Aunt-Jemima-e1blcci
It’s something about our touch.. our sounds, our stillness & sense …
My children have all had a period of time where they slept next to me, and they had to be touching me. In some way or another; They could be on the other side of the bed, yet their tiny foot/feet were making contact with me.
My littles one moves around in her sleep when she feels or hears me near & doesn’t stop moving til she’s making contact with me.
My heart beat .
This must be why they said skin to skin…
These babies grew inside of us. You literally cannot get any closer to us, to our hearts, than the children you birthed. Not taking away from anyone else in any way – just giving my perspective.
They want to hear our heart beating, feel our hearts beating. There’s a comfort in that, that some just cannot go without.
To me, it’s important.
To me, I have to cherish it.
It won’t be this way forever – I keep reminding myself this. I keep reminding pat… I keep saying it outloud but I still have to remind myself,, I still forget.
These babies aren’t babies forever, so I believe in closeness. I believe in cuddling, hugs, goodnight kisses, bed sharing & I believe in giving into it.
Maybe it can be a lot … but it isn’t forever.
To whom this may concern,
Hello! I hope you were awoken by a beautiful insert season here , ( in my case autumn) day this morning😊 and that wherever this letter finds you, may you be well! I think you know my name and all that, so we can skip the formalities!! For the sake of purpose.
My purpose in writing to you tonight, is to make a few things clear and get a few crooked things straight!
First and foremost, I am not new.
Maybe that is the most relevant problem with our ‘situation’, maybe it’s the least. I don’t know.
I’m skipping a beat to take a beat and ease into this, but there is no way to really do that besides worming around, the Ins and outs. It doesn’t even matter today. No, not this time. This time was, in every single and possible way – different. This time I didn’t even know what just happened . it was a flash. A bomb.
Your a bomb. A tornado . A hurricane without a warning .
You make me talk to fast, and I second, third & even fourth guess every single word out of my mouth when I’m near you.
Your soul will be forever in debt to me for using the fuck outta me. And you did make a promise and you lied. Lied manipulated… drained. As if my life isn’t enough.
As if I don’t have my own shit. I’ll remember. My soul.. will remember.
Saturday August 21, 2021
10:56pm Sitting outside on my “stoop” aka … farmers… porch 🤣😂 – the air changes… the breeze feels stuffy, and all of a sudden it’s not.
I think of you…
I can’t tell you exactly why- it was just like one second you were there, the next you weren’t.
At first an indoor affair came to mind, something that happened in my adult years. Seconds later, a line or 2 into the song, you come to mind. Not the last version of you I saw. The high school, awkward, 8th grade you. Maybe this was a song we listened to together with friends or maybe on one of our blunt cruises..
Next up @ a little past 11pm, still on the same stoop..
I think of you …
Not because this song has any consensual significance … but because I’ll never forget you rapping it… https://music.amazon.com/albums/B07V1PSR43?do=play&trackAsin=B07V49TMTN&ref=dm_sh_xxNipT4CFBBOnYFYIt0rHIb8gholy shit… is that The significance??? Is this the same “bands” song from while we were playing drinking games as kids ?
No. I’m wrong.
But at 11:19 …
“ girl run. Run like a track star if mooski ain’t say it better “ – I know booboo , I know coR. & I thank you
Or you’d say something like… ‘ ain’t ni key say it as good as so and so in his last and only hit wonder let me tell you.”
Let me tell you.
A boogie wit a hoodie said it correct when he said “There will never be another you
Always ALWAYS. Mentioning red light special , marvins room, confessions ( let’s say usher period)
“ cuz… let me tell you a little something about MY life a boogie wit a hoodie…
Sometimes , a lot of times… i feel super useless at staying home.
I cannot simply sit and play or run around playing pretend with my child all day, or I won’t get anything done around the house ( tried & true for over and throughout a decade , I swear 🤚🏻)
I can’t sit on the computer / laptop/ phone, all day trying to work on / set up & market my business and blogs , putting all my energy into an entry, or a design, a project. Because I do that. And when I do, I feel as though I’ve wasted another day and another dollar. Literally. And I feel rushed and awful by dinner.
I cannot run around the house cleaning up after my toddler, or my school age kids all day because I just DONT. Maybe I just don’t WANT to do that anymore…
Or run around washing, drying, folding, putting away, all the laundry, dishes, work tools, project , etc.
Cuz I don’t want to do that either ; even though I really really should –
I mainly walk around my house in in circles.
Going from one thing to another,
From creating a product and design to folding the mountain of laundry I’ve created.
I go from building my site online, to playing store with my toddler.
I go from vacuuming, to cleaning up a huge liquid spill, usually on a carpet in my living room, or all over a wall, and in all the hard to reach/ even harder to clean, cracks, crevices & corners. In between appliances, and down the sides of the oven.
I go from packing some products, listing them online, packing a shipment, and putting it all out there, to literally crawling around the living room floor with my toddler, a flashlight in one hand, and a grabber in the other, face pressed against the carpet , trying to reach all the toys that my toddler has lost in the depths of there whoever knows when, but now MUST have them.
I smoke a cigarette ( I need to quit, I have the patches , I’m quitting.) – and while I’m smoking have to run in to help in the potty, change the channel, look at a block creation, or to just “ watch this”.
God there is just stuff everywhere. I just want to be “in the moment” with my toddler while I still can.
I want to be less impatient. Less rushed.
More patient, more steady.
Slow it down, but keep up.
I just want y’all to know- that today, I do not know how to get there. Not yet.
But I’m working on it. I’m trying.
Bare with me.
I’m truly Sorry if you don’t like it, it’s only the truth.
I’m trying to be the best mother, maybe I am then.
Read more , the rest of this story NOW @
The 4 sets of completely different, 100% unique, gorgeous, soul reaching, all seeing eyes that I have watching me constantly, think that I am the best. …. Well, most of the time.
My preteen who is going on 30, does but won’t admit it. She wants to hate me.
Isn’t that what teenage girls eventually do?? Hate their moms for a minute?
Great. I cannot wait to go through that over and over and over again. What about boys?
Do boys always love their mamas? They say that- but it hasn’t rang true in my family. I have brothers. I’ve seen cycles, stages, phases… I’m terrified. 👀
No, but really though, my kids mostly think that I’m “da bomb dot com”. Yes, they for real say that. ✊🏻👊🏻🤞🏻
I just feel like I can do better. I want to do better. Of COURSE my kids will think that of me. I think I’d really have to be a MONSTER for them to think otherwise, right?
I don’t even want to deal right now- but I have to go take care of this.
I have to do all the things that I don’t want to do. I’m here. I am alive and well, and Im beyond blessed to have my super large, loving , happy, healthy family to take care of. It’s my why.
This is the truth today.