Is it Safe?

Everyone wants to know, is it safe?

Vaccines, shots, medicines, pills, etc.

Everyone wants to know. So how come when an addict asks, is it safe, do non-addicts question their sensibility? Because addicts, who have been addicted to street drugs were willing to, not only administer an ” I.V”, on their own, but an I.V filled with God knows what!!?

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I can get with that, but I can also get with this.

Our government is not trusted by MANY, MANY people. The reason we are/ were, ever addicted in the first place, in one way or another, is related to the government. The government runs this country. Fuck a simulation, that isn’t what this is! There are no pimpley nerds sitting behind V-R goggles eating a slice of burnt pizza dripping greese all over their laptop while they control our simulated world ( as the theory is going) – No. They are in suits and ties up in pent houses, on wall street, on our T.V screens, in OUR white house, speaking publicly, telling us what to do, and when to do it. They are all around us, Running our world.

They gave us the medical drugs. They did nothing about the street drugs. It is, was, will always be, up to us.

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So is it safe? Is birth control safe? Is Narcan safe? Is Prozac, adderall, or Naltrexone safe? What about the flu shot? The COVID-19 vaccine?? The MMRA baby shots? Zoloft? Zofran?? We do not know.

Question; Is it safe to eat shellfish during pregnancy? – This right here is solely an example of my point- the answer may sound something along the lines of this next part… “Just because I spent 10 years booting heroin into my veins does not mean I do not care. It does not mean I want to live a risky, unethical lifestyle. It does not mean I am no longer cautious. I still ask. I want to be informed. I was probably one of the most well-informed junkies back in the day.” – Say what you will.

Is heroine safe? No. That answer is simple. No, it was/is not safe, nor sanitary, for us to administer an I.V to ourselves, or others, in the Handicapped bathroom stall at our local Mcdonald’s. We know all of this. This is common sense. We did what we were always told not to do. We did what we saw, what we were shown. What we were around. What we thought felt good. We did it because it did feel good.

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Where did we all end up???

We ended up sick. Sick, confused, and in a type of pain that we did not yet understand.

Then we ended up waltzing into courthouses, these places we had never been, we walked through crowded rooms filled with judging eyes, down dark halls, and we even learned of outback basement EXIT doors that we had not known existed. “So that’s where the prisoners go”. We answered to complete strangers, people who we had never met, we answered to men and women in long black gowns who we quickly learned we were not allowed to talk to.

Then we went to hospitals. Through Emergency Room doors. Some of us got a ride in, while others desperately crawled. We were watched by more strangers, for 12 hours at a time. Laid up in our hospital beds, while our entire bodies were dying.

You sent us out with little brown paper lunch bags filled to the top with what you called comfort. You said see you in 2 weeks, be sure to attend all of our meets!

For me, that was it, I was gonna quit! We went home on our missions, took all the pills that you called comfort, 3xs a day, and we I felt the best feeling I we had ever felt. Except… wait, feeling? What do I feel?? – I woke up and had just been dead. – The feeling was the addicts little baby, jumping on her head –

Then some of us walked crawled into Detoxes, while others were literally dragged, sick surrounded by sick. We could never even remember the first few days. We had Detoxes stuffed with some kind of hope, hope we gave to one another. Hope that started with, well, since your here too I guess it isn’t that bad.. and ended with I’m clean and sober now can I have a job? I want to fix people like me… I’m cured! – — We were addictions Science experiments. We were Addictions Frog dissection. We did day programs, we went inpatient, we did everything we could think of to fix ourselves.

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Instead of applying to colleges or for jobs, we applied for halfway and Sober houses. We waited on lists, and even then we still had hope. List’s is that all we are to you?? Names on a list? Nothing more.

We heard the messages, we got the stories, we took it all in over, and over and over again. We knew the phrases and sayings off the top of our heads, we would even say them to our friends.

But it wasn’t over yet right? They said that relapsing is okay, that relapse is a part of our recovery.

So we did just that.

Then we walked were dragged back through those courtrooms, our names on more lists filled with names. Except for this time we were escorted in through that back, basement door. Held in those cold, dry, smelly spaces, awaiting our time to be judged. We were hauled into courtrooms filled with so many familiar and unfamiliar faces.

Then, You took our kids away. Our families were broken apart, split into pieces. Broken.

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Broken, some of us fought.

You gave us tasks that were damned near impossible. You wanted us to work full or part time, do the 12 steps, go to 4-5 NA or AA meetings a week, while taking anger management classes, parenting classes, and doing IOP ( intensive outpatint programs) 3 days a week!! You wanted us to have no contact with the people who had our kids, even if it was our mothers and fathers. You made us drop everything we were doing at any time, to have us come pee in a cup for you. You wanted us to be stable, with homes,and jobs and certificates, going to meetings, whilst practicing the 12 steps.

We were like monkeys in a cage. Like otters at the zoo. You told us what to do how to do it where to do it and when to do it without caring about us. About what we went through. You wanted us to do the impossible.

You dragged us through family courts, through criminal courts, and civil courts, all to make us pay. Justice. Justice?

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We went to Prisons, institutions, jails. ( familiar context?) We met many, many, faces and crimes we would never have thought. We saw things we had only seen in movies and on TV, never did we think we would see some of the things.

Then some of us got clean. Some of us are here. Some of us did the impossible and then some. Some of us are here, but we will never be OK.

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Some of us did not make it that far. Some of us had to say goodbye to each other, goodbye to the Earth, goodbye forever to our future. Some of us are no longer here.

More of us than not, are no longer on this plane.

We are in Jails. We are In Prisons, we are in Institutions, and we are dead. We are here too. We are here, and we’ve gone above and beyond proving ourselves capable. Proving ourselves to you. Proving that we deserve a say, We deserve the right to not be judged, an to be able to ask is it safe.

Because the last time we thought it was safe, when you wrote us those scripts for our broken bones, sports injuries, sprains, aches, etc – we believed you. And look where it got us??

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Y’all I don’t do political conversations or usually even anything close to a post like this…. I’m just feeling.

TODAY I’m Feeling stuck. Feeling disconnected. I don’t feel like I’m heading in any particular direction, good or bad. Just stuck. Still.

I’m unsure. I’m pissed. I don’t know. But I do have stuff I want to say. There is so much unsaid I need to say.

Ever craved to do something big? I say crave, because desire isn’t even a strong enough description of the feeling. You want it so bad , to do it so bad, yet your not even sure what it would be.

Gnat

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Flashbacks and more getting off track…

It was not very hard for many of us to say goodbye to 2020. I know a handful of people, some who have not stayed up to watch the ball drop in decades, yet this year they had to. They had to literally watch 2020 leave, open the door for it, and SO excitedly WAVE GOODBYE to 2020 and hugely welcome in 2021. There were no such theatrics in my home, not by me anyways. I won’t be so excited like that until I can get out of this damn house!

Today is the 4th day of 2021; January 4th, 2021. The last time there was any type of uninterrupted normalcy around these parts, was in March of 2020. Yes, I know that Covid started long before the date of March 12th 2020, (the last normal school day for my children&I), but only then is when we were personally affected by the global pandemic. As far as I can tell you. It all sort of brings me back, back to 9-11-01. To this day I can still remember exactly where I was,( 7th grade), the classroom I was in, (History on the yellow team), the teachers NAME (Mr. Goodell), and all the rest of what went down on that horrific, nightmare of a day, in the United States. I remember by the time I got home, I was so afraid. We lived in Boston Ma, not in New York, so why was I so scared?

I remember those 2 days, better than any thing else I can remember from that long ago. However, this is much Larger. This is a global wide pandemic. I think of it is as the Plague of our time.

Another event that I can clearly remember, was in the 4th grade. I lived in Rhode Island that year and that year only, Lincoln RI. I do not remember anything about the school I was in, what the classsrooms looked like, or even what a normal day in my life was like back then, but I do remember the very serious bomb threat that my school received on one very disgustingly hot, humid day. The caller had said that there was X amount of bombs hidden throughout the schools. I remember the weather because the entire school had to evacuate the building, along with 2 or 3 other schools in the area. We stood outside in the humid air for HOURS, waiting for the bomb squad, and my at the time best friend Natasha, actually nearly fainted due to the humidity, but the nurse said she collapsed and called it a day. Thinking back on it, they were creating some type of distraction, or other, by not only confusing US KIDS, but also our parents, relatives, and anyone else, by holding us outside, yet not yet telling any families of the going ons yet, and later that day, once we were released ( I want to say it was approaching nightfall at that point), they sent us all on random routes on random buses and drove us around for another hour or 3, shuffling us all over. To say that My mother was PISSED, would be a large understatement. She had no idea where I was for the majority of the day! Does anyone else remember this?? That day was not anywhere near as scary, traumatic, threatening, dangerous ETC- as this, no, but it does put into perspective the things we may remember into adulthood, and how we perceive these events as children.

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