Being in Recovery feels like someone took a Permanent Marker and drew all over your face and all over every important document with your name.
It feels like it’s a brand.
Sometimes.
Sometimes, in recovery- it feels as though things will never get better.
You might feel like your running up a hill– and every time you finally see the top, a big gust of fucks-with-your-life – blows you back to the bottom.
E v e r y time you feel hopeful; that gust blows you back to your place.
It can be sodefeating.
There are days where you might ask yourself, “ Why do I bother? Why am I here?”. Or maybe your stuck in the, “why me?” Phase, again.
Some days you might find yourself blankly staring at walls, as if your reading a cheat sheet for life. Really your just staring emptily.
Hungry for something more.. but afraid you’ll have to eat it.
That could mean so many things.
You could be so many things.
This is just another test.
Everything is just a test, how can’t we always see that??
It’s all about knowing the right answer. It’s not about learning no- more . We did plenty of that before.
It doesn’t always come right away, and sometimes you won’t even notice.
Little by little good things will happen, you have to pay attention.
You can behave and be clean, be sober and walk the straight and narrow – but if your not making moves, you are not going to move any differently than you were.
You might sit and binge Netflix, Hulu or prime, you might wake up everyday for breakfast and not commit a single crime- but if your avoiding the things you shouldn’t, than your only wasting your own precious time.
I can say this because I know it, because I do it myself all the time.
And I “beat myself up” , while I’m ignoring my phones chime.
Than I feel like I’m doing something, because I’m sitting here Writing, and I know that I can rhyme.
Any who; in recovery, life can be fine.
You were stuck in your ways that are hard to move on from .
It’s easy to change who you are when your doing nothing good and throwing your life away.
It’s not easy to change when you have to come back from that.
Did you know you’d never be able to go back to who you were before??
People say it, and you hear it but what do they know?
You can do anything; be anyone you want.
Until you can’t. Until you won’t.
Climb the ladder, no matter how tall. Don’t even worry about every time you fall.
Sometimes life will surprise you, it happened to me today.
I was accepted by someone important who gave me a leadership place.
She looked at me, not past me – she gave me so much of her time.
I cannot explain the feeling I had. My heart was jumping; I felt A rush of sadness and with tears brought such a smile. A light.
A laugh.
It’s not always rainbows and mostly it’s clouds … but sometimes the sun is only just behind a tree – you just need to move a little more and get a better line of site.
Very much like you, I’m stubborn. Maybe we’re stubborn in different ways. Either way.
I thought of you tonight. It was the first time in a long time that ive thought of you. I even searched your name on messenger,nothing recent.
For all I know , those messages go back 10-15 years… maybe I’d smile? Maybe I’d cry?
Idk. I don’t even want to.
Know, that is.
Can I start over, by saying how grateful I am that your alive??
Maybe I’m a hypocrite. But never in bad form or intentionally. I love you.
You’re a piece to my puzzle. Actually, a missing piece. How it’s been so long just doesn’t even make sense to me.
We werebest friends for years…
My longest friend.
I wish you were here to see, and hear SO MANY THINGS .
I love you. I miss you col.
Our babies have grown, my kids aren’t any longer Tiny infants and toddlers. We are no longer each other’s best friends.
And it’s my fault for being so weak.
I’m sorry that I was unsure of who to really trust with what just yet.*
I’m sorry you were backed into a corner.
I’m sorry that you blame me.
Overall I’m just so sorry for not being who you needed me to be, the best friend you needed in me.
I hope you are on top of the world with those boys.
Girls- both of you . I love and miss y’all more than I could show ❤️
ALL my love, and BEST wishes. From a blog you may never see . xoxo
Truly yours,
GymClassheros
***That my friends alone is a lesson – every person you trust – can and should ONLY be trusted with the type of ishhh they can be trusted with – otherwise- you literally cannot trust them. One per genera .
10:56pm Sitting outside on my “stoop” aka … farmers… porch 🤣😂 – the air changes… the breeze feels stuffy, and all of a sudden it’s not.
I think of you…
I can’t tell you exactly why- it was just like one second you were there, the next you weren’t.
At first an indoor affair came to mind, something that happened in my adult years. Seconds later, a line or 2 into the song, you come to mind. Not the last version of you I saw. The high school, awkward, 8th grade you. Maybe this was a song we listened to together with friends or maybe on one of our blunt cruises..
Next up @ a little past 11pm, still on the same stoop..
How young is too little to understand? How old is old enough to know/ understand?
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I have 4 kids now, and I got rules of my own. I never ever wanted to lie to my children.
I recently heard read something on another blog that really got me thinking.. it’s different. I guess this specific person, a fellow blogger of mine, believed, believes, and stated, “Why start off life being lied to?” In regards to, E.B, S.C, T.Fairy ( I think you get what/ WHO I mean…)
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There are many contradicting beliefs, perspectives, and just… ways of life, behind those little “white lies” we start off life with. At the same time though, if you did decide that you were not going to tell your child/ren these tales, or that you’re absolutely not going to bring a child into this world, and bring him or her up on these traditional, little “white lies”, then you won’t ever,/ don’t, get to enjoy these magical holiday experiences alongside your growing child. Where is the magic in that? Don’t you think if, say 2 out of 10 parents never ever celebrated those magical holiday beliefs from day 1, that once those children go to school, they could potentially ruin it for all the other believers, the ones who see the magic still? The ones who saw the magic all along?
It’s all in tradition. Maybe gifts for every single tradition, or rather, every single Holiday, is a little bit much, a little excessive, at least I think so, especially with this generation. Maybe we , the adults, the parents, take it to far, maybe we let them believe it for too long?
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The constant changing and upgrading gadgets, expensive trinkets, cellphones, Ipads, tablets, Hover Boards, XBOX, PS1,2,3,4 etc – $60 limited supply of HATCHIMALS, ( aka my generation’s take on FURBY’S ) .
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This generation, my eldest daughter’s generation, Generation Z is what we’re calling them, may just be the last generation of long-term believers. This generation, or generation Alpha, just may be the last generation of people really believing in the magic of the holidays. I mean, think about it… these kids are constantly on electronics. I don’t even know how my kids believed for so long with all the internet access they’ve got, I really don’t!
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They’ve got TikTOK, Streaming TV series, facebook, snapchat, YOUTUBE, Fortnite, ROBLOX, chrome, FIREFOX, safari, ipads, cellphones… omg the list goes on and on and on…. nonetheless, with all that they can see and get to with just 1 click of a tiny button, right in their small hands… I just don’t see how we will have believers for much longer.
After coming across a fellow bloggers post, I went into a sort of rabbit hole into the world of traditional holiday magic, beliefs, non-believers – etc. I was very surprised to find such a large number of parents and children, who had never believed in, or celebrated, those ” magical” people – and they never put it on their children either.
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It’s touchy. Again, what about the other kids in school?? You just don’t know. What about the kids that don’t believe or celebrate? Early on in their school career, they are going to wonder why they didn’t get the cool new XBOX under the tree, or why their mom didn’t set up a trap to catch a tiny little green mythical man.
Oh, speaking of that – that is new to me. In my childhood, I had NEVER set up a trap to catch a leprechaun!? Shit that ishh is KIDNAPPING! What are we teaching these kids?! lol I have to laugh.
However, I do and always have, left out a little jelly bean or chocolate poop trail,following behind a foot-shaped powder-made bunny hop trail every Easter?! This is where I’m brought back to the whole gift part of the tradition, and again feeling uneasy.
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Another new trend I missed the memo on, apparently, the leprechaun brings gifts too now?! Shhhheeeesh!!! As a matter of fact, in the last 2 years, my children have come home from school on or around that day, asking why we didn’t set up a trap and why the leprechaun didn’t leave them any gifts or candy baskets?!? HUH?!
Twilight zone over here. Maybe it’s just me. Is it just me? What do you think about this?? What do you think about our mythical, magical creatures that we put forth as gift bearers every holiday, to take any or all credit for the gifts we hard-working parents worked hard for? Let me know in the comments!! Maybe ill be back after more delving and rabbit hole jumping 🙂
Celeste M.
Celeste is a stay-at-home mother of 4 children from Boston, Massachusetts. She has 3 girls, 1 boy, and always has a house full of children! Her significant other of 11 years has consistently worked full time throughout their relationship, allowing Celeste to stay home and raise the children. She loves working with her cricut, sublimating tumblers, t-shirts, and anything else she can find sublimatable!! She is SUPER crafty, and has recently begun to somewhat “master” the skill of making glitter/epoxy tumblers! She began writing a blog in 2010 when she had hit a rough patch and continued to write a post every so often throughout the years. She told her story as it was when it was. Last year she picked back up on blogging and is trying to get out there with her thoughts, and her story. It needs to be told.
His government, was Cory, but as of late, he went by Versaje, with a J cuz he can’t afford it. ;] His words, not mine. VersaJe was such a fitting name for him if that makes any sense. It suited him so well. We have been friends since around the 8th grade, and he was always GUCCI. That is legit. So the fact that now, at 31 years old, he took on the name, and was, VersaJe… it’s just, perfect.
If you knew him, you loved him. I loved him. I loved every bit of our friendship. As we got older, it was one of the realest, just like him, just like me. We were always raw, real, bold, and just, THE MOST, with each other. Always. We did the most. He was one of my biggest fans, someone who supported me through and through, and I him.
Something happened though, we didn’t keep in touch. We didn’t answer our phones as often, or with as much excitement as we usually did. We didn’t check-in/up on each other at random times anymore. We just lost touch, we stopped blowing up each other’s phone’s with messages, comments, facetime calls, we just stopped. I’m not sure really, I do not understand why, but I am beginning to unearth the lessons that my beloved friend has taught me.
I’ve lost a lot of people lately, too many in fact. So I am used to hearing the cliches that come with loss. This one though, is starting to hit me differently, it’s starting to make more sense to me, in a different way. They say, something along the lines of people being lessons… it’s put in many different ways. Different versions… but the one I’ve come to know, is this next one.
That is a big pill to swallow. It makes sense though.
Well, I mean, I guess.
Right now though, today, I can say with certainty, that I’d trade in all the lessons I’ve learned from and throughout our friendship, to have Cory here today. There are plenty of other people I can learn lessons from. Why my people? Why so many of my people? Why so many of the good ones?
Cory was a good one. Always. I won’t say that he didn’t have a mean bone in his body, because he did, but you would never know it, unless of course you crossed him or someone he loved.
Our friendship began in Rockland, circa 2002 at ‘party centraL’ ( aka at the Westberg’s house ). We were ” The Crew”, ” The shadies”, CCCCCSQUARED <3 . That is ALL for another story, this one is strictly Cor.
He was, if not THE first, than one of the first boys I ever really kissed. It happened in the ditch. That night my friends and I had gone to the teen center and came back with Cory, Ryan & Chris. We thought we were SO cool. That was the beginning of our friendship, Cory’s and mine.
It’s crazy when I think about it, because sooo much has happened in the last 10 years alone, nevermind the last 20+, and throughout it all, all the addictions, the drama, the losses, the people, the places and the things, the growing we both did and did not do, we still remained friends, CLOSE friends, thoughout all of these years. Not all of us have kept in touch, but all of us have kept in touch with Cory.
Cory was the common denominator in my life. He was always there.
One of Cory’s passions was planning events and bringing the people he loved together. He was always a comedian, and could make anyone laugh with his charismatic wit.
I am grateful to Cory for so many things, so many things that I cannot even begin to list them here. I am the most grateful for the fact that Cory always loved me, no matter what, we could always talk to each other about our shit without judgement or fear, and with PLENTY of jokes — SELFISHHH <3 .
As I try to write about my dear friend, I’m listening to his PodCast on Anchor. I’m struggling a bit through the sadness, so for now, I’ll end here. Im so grateful to be able to hear his voice, and some of his thoughts on ANCHOR- Go listen now – his name is Versaje on Anchor- That’s V-E-R-S-A-J—E J BEFORE THE E CUZ HE CAN’T AFFORD IT!
Rest in the sweetest Peace My Dear Friend Cory Until We Meet Again Angel <3
Do you believe all people alike should be allowed to participate in this legally?
Is it Legal where your from?
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I think, edibles, oils, tinctures, things like that, are absolutely incredible. Depending on person, dosage, reason [and or timing?]
What about hassshhhhishh? lol I’ll never forget about this time on Valentines day when I was in high school, my family was gone for the weekend so my older boyfriend [who i ended up being with for 7.5 years], my best friend, and her boyfriend , had accessed ourselves a large, what looked like frozen brownie/old wrapped up brick , of hash from a freezer.
Yup. Was great.
We had no idea what to do with it because, I believe I was about 15?! ahhh 15-17, would’ve stayed if I could. :[
How about the fact that there FACT was no “hey siri” or anything fast like that! No. I had a *beep beep*, aka a friggin Bumble Bee aka indestructible yellow bomb!! Haha … aka a Nextel.
Which, fact was way cooler than these Iphones. I mean… yeah facetime is great and all, but I LOVED beep beeping ( two- waying) People. Always had to have the best one too as I got older, it’s so funny to think about.
Yeah, so once we figured out the best use of this at the time, we made Hash Brownies. For our Valentines Day Desert. It was great.
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