Being in Recovery feels

Being in Recovery feels like someone took a Permanent Marker and drew all over your face and all over every important document with your name.

It feels like it’s a brand.

Sometimes.

Sometimes, in recovery- it feels as though things will never get better.

You might feel like your running up a hill– and every time you finally see the top, a big gust of fucks-with-your-life – blows you back to the bottom.

E v e r y time you feel hopeful; that gust blows you back to your place.

It can be so defeating.

There are days where you might ask yourself, “ Why do I bother? Why am I here?”. Or maybe your stuck in the, “why me?” Phase, again.

Some days you might find yourself blankly staring at walls, as if your reading a cheat sheet for life. Really your just staring emptily.

Hungry for something more.. but afraid you’ll have to eat it.

That could mean so many things.

You could be so many things.

This is just another test.

Everything is just a test, how can’t we always see that??

It’s all about knowing the right answer. It’s not about learning no- more . We did plenty of that before.

It doesn’t always come right away, and sometimes you won’t even notice.

Little by little good things will happen, you have to pay attention.

You can behave and be clean, be sober and walk the straight and narrow – but if your not making moves, you are not going to move any differently than you were.

You might sit and binge Netflix, Hulu or prime, you might wake up everyday for breakfast and not commit a single crime- but if your avoiding the things you shouldn’t, than your only wasting your own precious time.

I can say this because I know it, because I do it myself all the time.

And I “beat myself up” , while I’m ignoring my phones chime.

Than I feel like I’m doing something, because I’m sitting here Writing, and I know that I can rhyme.

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Any who; in recovery, life can be fine.

You were stuck in your ways that are hard to move on from .

It’s easy to change who you are when your doing nothing good and throwing your life away.

It’s not easy to change when you have to come back from that.

Did you know you’d never be able to go back to who you were before??

People say it, and you hear it but what do they know?

You can do anything; be anyone you want.

Until you can’t. Until you won’t.

Climb the ladder, no matter how tall. Don’t even worry about every time you fall.

Sometimes life will surprise you, it happened to me today.

I was accepted by someone important who gave me a leadership place.

She looked at me, not past me – she gave me so much of her time.

I cannot explain the feeling I had. My heart was jumping; I felt A rush of sadness and with tears brought such a smile. A light.

A laugh.

It’s not always rainbows and mostly it’s clouds … but sometimes the sun is only just behind a tree – you just need to move a little more and get a better line of site.

xO. truthmom

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This is what I’d say…

Dear old me, if I could come to you in a Dream, or send a letter to the past, this is what I’d say…

If only I could have come to you. Like they do in the movies… from the future. Things would be different. Maybe I’d we’d be happy.

Maybe I could’ve prevented a lot of heartache, pain, & suffering.

I’d have told you that you look beautiful. All the time. I’d have told you that you cannot depend on anyoneever. Except for you.

You can’t wait around expecting everyone else to take care of you. Even if they do. You still have to have the ability to do things yourself and for yourself.

Trying your hardest isn’t for anyone else- in the moment, yeah maybe- but in the long run, it’s all for you.

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It’s you your proving yourself to. It’s you that wants to see you do great things. It’s you that wants you to achieve great things and become great things… & it is You who should learn from your mistakes.

In the long run, the only person rooting for you is you. Yea you might have your own personal Cheerleaders cheering you on, but they don’t can’t care as much as you do, about you.

I’d have told you that it really doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks. It REALLY DOES NOT!!! I would Even pinky swear it & Seal it with a Kiss.

I’d have agreed that yes, self affirmations do seem and sound silly; like a silly thing to do, and that your metabolism is even sillier – but to believe in both.

I’d have told you to Enjoy your young body while you have it, and to have it for as long as you can- I’d have told you that it really is Your Sacred Space- that way you could enjoy every stage that follows youth.

That way you didn’t hold onto things with such a death-like grip.

That way, it was easier for you to move on.

That way, letting go and moving on don’t become the most impossible, Soul crushing , Feats that never fail to break you from the very core of your spirit.

I’d have told you to believe them. Believe every compliment you’ll ever receive – Even if you don’t believe the person giving it.

I’d have told you to Always be Loyal, especially to yourself. That way, when someone else truly deserves your loyalty, you’ll give it without a second thought. Like Second Nature.

That way, you aren’t too busy being loyal to the ones who aren’t loyal to you. That way, you don’t spend half of your life questioning why someone is loyal to you. That way, you don’t break your heart, and a heart that isn’t yours.

I’d tell you to always Cherish the people who have your back. Even if they don’t always have it. Cherish them, but do not come to Rely on them.

I’d tell you that you are Worthy and Deserving of love, happiness, and all things good, but that life isn’t always just those things.

I’d tell you that in order to matter you have to make a difference, and in order to make a difference, you have to matter. Or at least it will feel that way.

I’d tell You to sprinkle bits and pieces of you, everywhere you go. Leaving parts of you behind. In the places that need you. In the places you’ll matter.

I’d tell you that your going to want to leave behind a Legacy bigger than anything you’d ever do.

So I’d ask you if you could please start working on that now.

I’d tell you that, the way things are going now, by the time you turn 30, you’ll feel empty- Even filled with all that you’ll know. You’ll feel bad. Like something is Missing. Dooomed. Afraid even.

The ‘no’ memories …

Ever think of a memory… and while your thinking of it…. Your thinking, or saying out loud …, “ no, no, noopee…” ?

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It can’t only be me.

Are those the bad memories?? The ones our brains want us to forget altogether. The ones we do usually end up forgetting altogether .

It’s like, even though it’s running through my head, maybe even … call it a flashback…. I do not want to think about it now or ever again.

I never really thought of it that way.

But thank you brain, for healing my heart ❣️

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    A thought for the day that I’m struggling with, that I’ve never looked at afar, from FmomB.. xO.

    When I Grow Up part 1

    By: F-Mombie

     I’m trying to figure this all out. What am I going to be when I grow up?
    I’ve been so many things in these 33 years . I’ve been a baby who needed to be constantly held and taken care of, I didn’t do much besides sleep, eat, cry, repeat. That lasted a short while.
    Then I was a toddler, needing to be taught. Craving constant attention and always so curious. I began by crawling, then talking, walking, all the good stuff.
    After that I was a kid. First I stayed home with mom and learned some more. I colored, and played out scenes with Barbie’s dolls and sculpted play doh. Soon enough, still a kid, I went to school and learned to spell and write for many many years as a kid. Throughout my teenage years, I was still considered a kid. I did more though. I was much much more dependent, and no longer needed constant attention as I had for many years before.
    Eventually , I was a driver. It wasn’t my job, but I did it like it was.
    My first real job and my first real relationship happened simultaneously. My first job was at my local mall. I was an Ice cream Scooper at Friendly’s. I was 15. My first real boyfriend was my “friends” bf first & I really wasn’t even interested and he really wanted her to go away.

    Next I was 17,and I was a coffee maker. I got a job at a nearby Dunkin’ Donuts , and worked my way to shift leader. I wasn’t sure if I liked the fit. I wasn’t sure I liked my position, on the other side of the counter, dealing so directly with the public at such a fast pace. Handling their money, and their liquid Gold. I did not know the importance of caffeine to a person at that time. I did not know that I was directly making and providing people with the actual thing that keeps / gets them going.
    At 15/16, I wasn’t sure of anything quite yet, so anytime a friend needed a job, I without a doubt got them one.
    I had no idea the kind of trouble it was going to get me intomore than once.
    I was now a high school graduate and practically a housewife.
    2 years into working behind the counter, handing people their fuel, their liquid gold, I became a teen mom. My body was trying to become a mother .
    For a period of time and Simultaneously with the fore mentioned, I was a thief. Not a real thief, I wouldn’t even say it, but I mean, I stole by allowing my school friend employees to tempt and teach me with the help of my “friends”.
    To “under-ring”; a thing I literally could not understand. I personally couldn’t wrap my brain around the how. So, I let helped them do it, and was rewarded with half at the end of those shifts, at my first 2 jobs.
    I became an accused. Accused for stealing money? That was so not me.
    I didn’t realize… that’s exactly what we were doing. I paid such little attention, that I didn’t realize one of my friends was actually stealing
    from the box, right under my nose.
    I told the truth, took responsibility for what I knew, and defended my “friend” to no end.
    My first and second jobs both went the same, both ended for the same reasons. I knew I didn’t fit there, I needed to try something different.
    At 19 I was a Customer Service Representative at a call center. I spent 9+ hours a day making and taking calls that had to do with Medicare’s A, B,& C, memorizing rebuttals and loopholes. This was my calling, pun intended.
    You’d think By 21, one would be a grown up, and I really truly thought I was. I was finally back in school for a career & thought I had it all figured out. Instead, I was even more confused than before. Being confused really isn’t a bad thing, until it is.
    Continue reading “When I Grow Up part 1”

    Our horrible healthcare system

    That song, “numb little bug”, is like the theme song. It’s what they want us all to be singing…

    Our healthcare system has failed me, more times than I can count. Our justice system has failed me, as well, more than once. However, today-the healthcare system needs to be talked about. I don’t even think they know how bad they are. I know I’m not the only one, so come on!!? Why does this kind of sh?! still happen??

    Later on, sometime soon.. I’m going to post about what happened to me this week. Why I felt targeted. It’s ridiculous, nonsense even. But it was able to ruin my entire day.

    F. MomB
    F. MomB

    Heyy there, I’m FmomBiee! F – Mom-Biie … ya know? Like, Fbomb MomBie [ f bomb mom – zombie mom, it all just fits] pronounced – EFF-MOMB. – EE – my pen name, but I can be whoever you want me to be;]
    Phew, now that that’s out of the way, I wanted to tell you a little bit about myself. As you know, I’m a mom , one who cusses a lot, a mom that can sometimes be compared to a zombie, a mom who cannot stand to get my fingernails dirty in the garden, or even in the kitchen even though those are 2 of my favorite places! Personally, I’m not very creative, so I like to stick to the step-by-step guides for most arts and crafts, and as far as DIY-ing?? pppffttt- Those thing’s never come out the way they are supposed to!! I am not filtered in public and I sure won’t be here on the wide world of webbed lies ;] -That’s just it though, we’re here to make , bring change, to bring Truth. In just a couple of clicks, The World Wide Web is right at the fingertips of our children. They ask Siri or Google a question, and it is instantly met with hundreds of thousands of “results” or, answers. Right ones, wrong ones, irrelevant ones, inappropriate ones, completely unrelated ones, the list goes on. We hope that we can be right there too, at the top of the results, (and not one of the top 4 useless ads), with the best, most accurate information.

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    70,128 Hours Without You

    70,128 hours. 96 months. 417,4 weeks. 2,922 days. 4207680.0 Minutes. 252460800 Seconds.

    8 years?? 8 years…. 2 more children , 4 apartments, 2 houses, 3 states, 6 + Vehicles – hell that last one might be slightly off, but whose counting? Countless losses that I don’t even want to begin listing.. For our generation? …Generations? More than I can count in my head.

    One full blown relapse. 4 revolving doors to familiar rehabs & a jagged edged 6 year recovery. [ no this isn’t the 12 days of Christmas Parody ] I should know what the day is. I’ve been waiting for it. Just as quickly as all the other dates that I thoughtlessly count down to come creeping up on me, my mind begins to shut it out. Trying to forget . Lizard brain? Monkey brain? Elephant brain?? Short Term Brain? Grief Brain? Trauma brain? That might take the cake, and even if some of those are not really a thing, it’s what I’m calling it these days.

    That might be a part of the reason I didn’t realize it was “the date” today. Even as I wrote it down on the tardy sheet 2xs today, signing my kids in on the 3 minutes “late” mark, (happens more often than I’d like to admit). As many times as I had typed the date into a text message, or as many times as I swiped through my Phone’s Calendar trying to book client’s and schedule Doctors appointments non synchronously in the days before, leading up to today, knowing how close it was. I know what today is, and I knew it was coming.

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    I’m still here, and it’s been 8 whole years since you have not been here. It’s been 8 whole years that I’ve dreaded what was once my favorite month.

    I’ve outlived you. I’m a year older than you ever were.

    How is that possible?

    How has the world turned 8 whole times without you?

    You were my first lesson in loss. Losing you, showed me what it feels like to lose someone you truly love, that deep kinda love that hurts your soul, even when it is good. It maybe even prepared me for what was yet to come.

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    I’ve added Loss to the list of firsts. You were a repeat offender on my first’s list. Not things like, first kiss, first love, first time, first boyfriend… no not those kind of first’s.

    First Love & Friend Loss. You were the first Friend I ever lost, and the first Love I ever lost.

    First Aff….

    Let’s put a pin in that & save that list for another day.

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    The first time I ever loved someone so much and had them so fucking Rudely and abruptly taken away from this Plane. I had no idea. I texted you, called you, left voicemails & joked.. asking you to resend that picture… the new Rock??

    I knew you’d never willingly leave without notice. That you wouldn’t make plans for Saturday if you knew it wasn’t going to come.

    I knew you.

    I knew you even if for only 8 years.

    We had gone through so much in such a short time, and even though we were not together, I knew you still had that love for me.

    I don’t even completely understand how you’ve been gone for the same amount of years as I knew you.

    If I’m a year older than you ever got to be, am I older than you now? Are you forever 31?

    I love you pxs3, the best friend I’d ever have, the only male version of myself I could ever love.

    I’ll never forget our last conversation, just the day before, and will forever ask myself the same questions. Did you know? Were you trying to tell me something? Were you saying Goodbye, See you there? Or was the universe trying to tell me?

    We talked about the Devils Throne,& how we’d take it over.. You & I. Promoted ‘King & Queen’ of a world we don’t know exists.

    I remember exactly where I was driving at that exact moment. Passing DW Park, sitting at the light, Park to my right.

    Smiling ear to ear listening to you talk, laughing together, joking about our happily ever afters. The conversation hadn’t started that way, no not at all even close. When I answered that very last phone call, you were crying... sniffling. Longing to be with your sons for the weekend, even if just for the day. You explained what was happening and how it mimicked what had happened some years before. You told me you couldn’t go through this again. You told me how Evil she was, and warned me to stay away from her cousin. I wish I had have listened…

    I Promised you I would be there for you whenever I could, I swore I’d do anything I was able for you, whenever my relationship with your ex best friend allowed. I told you we were fixing things, we had 2 toddlers & a new baby and things at home had just started getting better. I worked my ass off to get to where I was, and I said you could too… but none of that means we cant still be friends. No, We WILL be friends I swore to you, and I would tell him this weekend how I’m going to be there for you. He won’t mind, I promised.

    I’m Sorry for missing those calls that night. I’m sorry I didn’t check sooner.

    We are unstoppable, & no one can keep us apart, not even the Devil himself. No, we could and would overthrow him.

    You were finally Free. For the first time in years, we were Free Simultaneously.

    I had been waiting for this for years. Literally. I wanted to be there for you, with you, and this was it. So why? Why did You have to leave? You were once so strong, not only in the physical sense, but mental too.

    I wish I could play every single one of our memories on a projector, they were literally some of the most critical times of my life.

    I’d have followed you to the end of the world had time allowed. Where Would we be today?

    Where are you today? Do you forgive me? Are You Proud?

    I gave up everything for you.

    #yourajerk

    #kingandqueenoftheunderworld

    #myfavoriteperson

    #firstofmanyfirsts

    #iseeyoueverywhere

    #thanksforthememories

    PS. It was 21 Guns… the Music Video that played on MTV all Summer long. That woke us up to flashing lights & a really aggressive beat Every single time, at 2 – 3 AM. The song that gave us a hangover.

    Sources

    Source: for converting years to hours, mins, secs, days, weeks, months https://calculat.io/date/converter/hours–8–years

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    Mom’s Valentine’s Day 2022..

    As I sit here threading gold braided twine through each and every one of The Who knows how many , Valentine’s Day Bookmarks I hurried and began to make at around 6pm… because that’s who I am- I’m that mom- I’m last minute mom, last minute woman . I’m questioning my sanity.

    How many of these bookmarks will actually be used??

    How many of those time eating bookmarks are gonna be in recycling bins and trash barrels around my town tomorrow??

    As you can see, I’ve been busy.

    This gives me perspective to share, a different perspective… multiple perspectives.

    I’m that mom that carelessly, mindlessly , tosses the 3-4 bags/boxes filled with valentines away each year. Maybe not that day, that month, or even that year…. But eventually, they end up in a land fill from an annual purge.

    I am that mom.

    I am also the mom scrambling last minute to come up with simple ideas to incorporate into Valentine’s for four different age groups/ four different classes, without candy or snacks / food of any sort.

    I’ve got to come up with a valentine, omit the candy hearts. Maybe I don’t have to come up with it, but I do have to follow through with the creating process.

    I am the mom who stayed up all night finishing , cutting, tying, d.i.y-ing, cricut-ing .. to make sure each of my children had a bag of unique valentines to pass out to their class. ( Luckily daycare allows certain snacks 🙏🏻🤫🥳)

    So tomorrow, Today, if we don’t have a snow day – when our kids run into the house from school, dump their backpacks on the ground, reach for their bag ( or box) filled with a large variety of valentines from each and every one of their classmates – I’m going to remind myself to be more present.

    To stop and enjoy going through them with each of my children. Be equally excited.

    Not that I’m usually not that way anyways / just sometimes need to stop and remind myself to slow down.

    Listen , whether the kids valentines are store bought or hand made, they are usually equally thought out – it’s not something that needs too much effort on any end . Tonight I struggled with computer updates, and software issues , my laptop kept freezing right before go time – my cricut kept eating and tearing the bookmarks right at the very last steps…..

    I just wanted to make sure they had something –

    And now they do. And I’m exhausted and have my full body bone scan at 930 am today… but I chose to get those valentines done, and I’m not even a little bit mad or upset over it- I’m pumped I got it done.

    I’m this mom, I’m that mom, I’m Mom, and they didn’t hand me an instruction manual after any of my births.

    Happy Valentine’s Day y’all 😘😍❤️😘

    xoxo. Tmom

    There’s a little mom truth for today – food for thought .

    Where In the world is Aunt Jemima ?!

    Listen to the most recent episode of my podcast: What happened to Aunt Jemima ? https://anchor.fm/truth-mommy/episodes/What-happened-to-Aunt-Jemima-e1blcci

    an irreplaceable feeling

    It’s something about our touch.. our sounds, our stillness & sense …

    My children have all had a period of time where they slept next to me, and they had to be touching me. In some way or another; They could be on the other side of the bed, yet their tiny foot/feet were making contact with me.

    My littles one moves around in her sleep when she feels or hears me near & doesn’t stop moving til she’s making contact with me.

    My heart beat .

    This must be why they said skin to skin…

    These babies grew inside of us. You literally cannot get any closer to us, to our hearts, than the children you birthed. Not taking away from anyone else in any way – just giving my perspective.

    They want to hear our heart beating, feel our hearts beating. There’s a comfort in that, that some just cannot go without.

    To me, it’s important.

    To me, I have to cherish it.

    It won’t be this way forever – I keep reminding myself this. I keep reminding patI keep saying it outloud but I still have to remind myself,, I still forget.

    These babies aren’t babies forever, so I believe in closeness. I believe in cuddling, hugs, goodnight kisses, bed sharing & I believe in giving into it.

    Maybe it can be a lot … but it isn’t forever.

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    CMsqsuared.imissyou.iloveyou.

    CcccccccM. I’m.so.sorry.

    Very much like you, I’m stubborn. Maybe we’re stubborn in different ways. Either way.

    I thought of you tonight. It was the first time in a long time that ive thought of you. I even searched your name on messenger,nothing recent.

    For all I know , those messages go back 10-15 years… maybe I’d smile? Maybe I’d cry?

    Idk. I don’t even want to.

    Know, that is.

    Can I start over, by saying how grateful I am that your alive??

    Maybe I’m a hypocrite. But never in bad form or intentionally. I love you.

    You’re a piece to my puzzle. Actually, a missing piece. How it’s been so long just doesn’t even make sense to me.

    We were best friends for years

    My longest friend.

    I wish you were here to see, and hear SO MANY THINGS .

    I love you. I miss you col.

    Our babies have grown, my kids aren’t any longer Tiny infants and toddlers. We are no longer each other’s best friends.

    And it’s my fault for being so weak.

    I’m sorry that I was unsure of who to really trust with what just yet.*

    I’m sorry you were backed into a corner.

    I’m sorry that you blame me.

    Overall I’m just so sorry for not being who you needed me to be, the best friend you needed in me.

    I hope you are on top of the world with those boys.

    Girls- both of you . I love and miss y’all more than I could show ❤️

    ALL my love, and BEST wishes. From a blog you may never see . xoxo

    Truly yours,

    GymClassheros

    ***That my friends alone is a lesson – every person you trust – can and should ONLY be trusted with the type of ishhh they can be trusted with – otherwise- you literally cannot trust them. One per genera .