is it the lighting??
Something in the air!!
is it the lighting??
Something in the air!!
What I would give to go back in time today, right now & be the little girl who didn’t truly understand the lyrics to some of my favorite songs..
The songs I sang the words to with such harmless, aimless compassion …
What I’d give to not feel the words to every song so deeply inside of my soul, because I get it.
What id give to be put to bed by such love and such inner peace, and to wake up feeling genuinely reset and worthy. A brand new day.
To be told that I don’t understand something yet, and really, truly & innocently NOT understand it.
To believe everything without needing proof.
To trust and believe in love, and that everything will be okay.
To not know about mental health or addictive pain.
To not know what it feels like to give up, or be given up on.
To not have to watch my every word before it even becomes a thought.
I’d give anything to feel these ways, or to feel nothing like I feel now a days.
Do you know what day it is?? It FRIYAY!! Well duh!! We knew that… Right? Some days… I do, whilst other days I completely do not. Especially during the Pandemic. I lost all sense of tracking days. As a matter of fact, since the Pandemic began, I’ve lost all sense of time.. but that is for another day. Knowing the Day/Date is not what I mean today. Today, we’re talking about National, International, & Global, holidays. Every Day is a holiday somewhere. Take Full advantage of that and celebrate at least a little something every day!! Lets take a look at today’s Holidays. I am not sponsered by, but typically use the website, ” NationalToday.com”, to check in on the holiday’s and anniversaries of the day! Let’s see what they’ve got for us today.
Did you know? Iodine can be related to hormone balances, and can be linked to thyroid normality’s and abnormalities.
While it reads, October 16th, it is on the list of today’s holidays. So how could I leave this one out?? Early Detection= early treatment= Life.
Celebrate your mind- Get Free Advice regarding your meds- Eat tons of Nachos, and be aware of your Iodine intake!!
There are a ton of other “Holidays” Today, these are just a few that really stuck out to me!! I’ve added links to a few other great things that you can Celebrate on this Day below!! Check them out and let us know what your favorite one is??
Have a Nacho Recipe that is worthy of a celebration?! Share your recipe in the comments! :]
Did you Celebrate any of these today?? Tell us which ones, why, and how you chose to Celebrate on October 21st!!
Being in Recovery feels like someone took a Permanent Marker and drew all over your face and all over every important document with your name.
It feels like it’s a brand.
Sometimes, in recovery- it feels as though things will never get better.
You might feel like your running up a hill– and every time you finally see the top, a big gust of fucks-with-your-life – blows you back to the bottom.
E v e r y time you feel hopeful; that gust blows you back to your place.
It can be so defeating.
There are days where you might ask yourself, “ Why do I bother? Why am I here?”. Or maybe your stuck in the, “why me?” Phase, again.
Some days you might find yourself blankly staring at walls, as if your reading a cheat sheet for life. Really your just staring emptily.
Hungry for something more.. but afraid you’ll have to eat it.
That could mean so many things.
You could be so many things.
This is just another test.
Everything is just a test, how can’t we always see that??
It’s all about knowing the right answer. It’s not about learning no- more . We did plenty of that before.
It doesn’t always come right away, and sometimes you won’t even notice.
Little by little good things will happen, you have to pay attention.
You can behave and be clean, be sober and walk the straight and narrow – but if your not making moves, you are not going to move any differently than you were.
You might sit and binge Netflix, Hulu or prime, you might wake up everyday for breakfast and not commit a single crime- but if your avoiding the things you shouldn’t, than your only wasting your own precious time.
I can say this because I know it, because I do it myself all the time.
And I “beat myself up” , while I’m ignoring my phones chime.
Than I feel like I’m doing something, because I’m sitting here Writing, and I know that I can rhyme.
Any who; in recovery, life can be fine.
You were stuck in your ways that are hard to move on from .
It’s easy to change who you are when your doing nothing good and throwing your life away.
It’s not easy to change when you have to come back from that.
Did you know you’d never be able to go back to who you were before??
People say it, and you hear it but what do they know?
You can do anything; be anyone you want.
Until you can’t. Until you won’t.
Climb the ladder, no matter how tall. Don’t even worry about every time you fall.
Sometimes life will surprise you, it happened to me today.
I was accepted by someone important who gave me a leadership place.
She looked at me, not past me – she gave me so much of her time.
I cannot explain the feeling I had. My heart was jumping; I felt A rush of sadness and with tears brought such a smile. A light.
It’s not always rainbows and mostly it’s clouds … but sometimes the sun is only just behind a tree – you just need to move a little more and get a better line of site.
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If only I could have come to you. Like they do in the movies… from the future. Things would be different. Maybe
I’d we’d be happy.
Maybe I could’ve prevented a lot of heartache, pain, & suffering.
I’d have told you that you look beautiful. All the time. I’d have told you that you cannot depend on anyone – ever. Except for you.
You can’t wait around expecting everyone else to take care of you. Even if they do. You still have to have the ability to do things yourself and for yourself.
Trying your hardest isn’t for anyone else- in the moment, yeah maybe- but in the long run, it’s all for you.
It’s you your proving yourself to. It’s you that wants to see you do great things. It’s you that wants you to achieve great things and become great things… & it is You who should learn from your mistakes.
In the long run, the only person rooting for you is you. Yea you might have your own personal Cheerleaders cheering you on, but they
don’t can’t care as much as you do, about you.
I’d have told you that it really doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks. It REALLY DOES NOT!!! I would Even pinky swear it & Seal it with a Kiss.
I’d have agreed that yes, self affirmations do seem and sound silly; like a silly thing to do, and that your metabolism is even sillier – but to believe in both.
I’d have told you to Enjoy your young body while you have it, and to have it for as long as you can- I’d have told you that it really is Your Sacred Space- that way you could enjoy every stage that follows youth.
That way you didn’t hold onto things with such a death-like grip.
That way, it was easier for you to move on.
That way, letting go and moving on don’t become the most impossible, Soul crushing , Feats that never fail to break you from the very core of your spirit.
I’d have told you to believe them. Believe every compliment you’ll ever receive – Even if you don’t believe the person giving it.
I’d have told you to Always be Loyal, especially to yourself. That way, when someone else truly deserves your loyalty, you’ll give it without a second thought. Like Second Nature.
That way, you aren’t too busy being loyal to the ones who aren’t loyal to you. That way, you don’t spend half of your life questioning why someone is loyal to you. That way, you don’t break your heart, and a heart that isn’t yours.
I’d tell you to always Cherish the people who have your back. Even if they don’t always have it. Cherish them, but do not come to Rely on them.
I’d tell you that you are Worthy and Deserving of love, happiness, and all things good, but that life isn’t always just those things.
I’d tell you that in order to matter you have to make a difference, and in order to make a difference, you have to matter. Or at least it will feel that way.
I’d tell You to sprinkle bits and pieces of you, everywhere you go. Leaving parts of you behind. In the places that need you. In the places you’ll matter.
I’d tell you that your going to want to leave behind a Legacy bigger than anything you’d ever do.
So I’d ask you if you could please start working on that now.
I’d tell you that, the way things are going now, by the time you turn 30, you’ll feel empty- Even filled with all that you’ll know. You’ll feel bad. Like something is Missing. Dooomed. Afraid even.
Ever think of a memory… and while your thinking of it…. Your thinking, or saying out loud …, “ no, no, noopee…” ?
It can’t only be me.
Are those the bad memories?? The ones our brains want us to forget altogether. The ones we do usually end up forgetting altogether .
It’s like, even though it’s running through my head, maybe even … call it a flashback…. I do not want to think about it now or ever again.
I never really thought of it that way.
But thank you brain, for healing my heart ❣️
A thought for the day that I’m struggling with, that I’ve never looked at afar, from FmomB.. xO.
I’m trying to figure this all out. What am I going to be when I grow up?Continue reading “When I Grow Up part 1”
I’ve been so many things in these 33 years . I’ve been a baby who needed to be constantly held and taken care of, I didn’t do much besides sleep, eat, cry, repeat. That lasted a short while.
Then I was a toddler, needing to be taught. Craving constant attention and always so curious. I began by crawling, then talking, walking, all the good stuff.
After that I was a kid. First I stayed home with mom and learned some more. I colored, and played out scenes with Barbie’s dolls and sculpted play doh. Soon enough, still a kid, I went to school and learned to spell and write for
many manyyears as a kid. Throughout my teenage years, I was still considered a kid. I did more though. I was much much more dependent, and no longer needed constant attention as I had for many years before.
Eventually , I was a driver. It wasn’t my job, but I did it like it was.
My first real job and my first real relationship happened simultaneously. My first job was at my local mall. I was an Ice cream Scooper at Friendly’s. I was 15. My first real boyfriend was my “friends” bf first & I really wasn’t even interested and he really wanted her to go away.
Next I was 17,and I was a coffee maker. I got a job at a nearby Dunkin’ Donuts , and worked my way to shift leader. I wasn’t sure if I liked the fit. I wasn’t sure I liked my position, on the other side of the counter, dealing so directly with the public at such a fast pace. Handling their money, and their liquid Gold. I did not know the importance of caffeine to a person at that time. I did not know that I was directly making and providing people with the actual thing that keeps / gets them going.
At 15/16, I wasn’t sure of anything quite yet, so anytime a friend needed a job, I without a doubt got them one.
I had no idea the kind of trouble it was going to get me into… more than once.
I was now a high school graduate
and practically a housewife .
2 years into working behind the counter, handing people their fuel, their liquid gold, I became a teen mom. My body was trying to become a mother .
For a period of time and Simultaneously with the fore mentioned, I was a thief. Not a real thief, I wouldn’t even say it, but I mean, I stole
by allowing my school friend employees to tempt and teach mewith the help of my “friends”.
To “under-ring”; a thing I literally could not understand. I personally couldn’t wrap my brain around the how. So, I
lethelped them do it, and was rewarded with half at the end of those shifts, at my first 2 jobs.
I became an accused. Accused for stealing money? That was so not me.
I didn’t realize… that’s exactly what we were doing. I paid such little attention, that I didn’t realize one of my friends was actually stealing
from the box, right under my nose.
I told the truth, took responsibility for what I knew, and defended my “friend” to no end.
My first and second jobs both went the same, both ended for the same reasons . I knew I didn’t fit there, I needed to try something different.
At 19 I was a Customer Service Representative at a call center. I spent 9+ hours a day making and taking calls that had to do with Medicare’s A, B,& C, memorizing rebuttals and loopholes. This was my calling, pun intended.
You’d think By 21, one would be a grown up, and I really truly thought I was. I was finally back in school for a career & thought I had it all figured out. Instead, I was even more confused than before. Being confused really isn’t a bad thing, until it is.