Happy Monday to all of you Truth Tellers. To The Fact Finders & the Fairytale Fakers … the Fraudulent Frat boys & the Fictional Forgetters—— [I’ve definitely got more but I’ll stop there for now ] Flavorful Friday’s & Thirsty Thursdays are fun an everything – but where would we be without Motivational Mondays ?!?🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️ Happy Monday to Moms forgetful Followers – Find us Followers !!!! … See MoreSee Less
After another long and stressful day of worrying, questioning, and pondering thoughts, Dinner time rolls around and I have nothing.
I cannot even wrap my brain around the question, ” What is For Dinner tonight?” So I googled quick and easy recipes, and came upon this easy peasy GEM from InsanelyGood.com –
The first, fastest and easiest lasagna I’ve found yet!!!
I packed the kids up and headed to our local grocery store for the supplies. After spending $100 more than I would have liked to, we came home and unloaded / unpacked all the groceries.
By now it was easily 6:30PM, and my DH isn’t a fan of eating dinner after 8PM. ( who is though?)
I hardly even believed myself when I said we wouldn’t be eating that late, but I still made the effort. This recipe did not fall short of everything I had hoped!!
My family was all sitting around the table together by 7:35PM, each with a large helping of lasagna in front of them, that they were ALL looking forward to trying!
This recipe was so easy, fun and fast to recreate, it will for sure go down in our book of Epic Easy & Fast Family Friendly dinners and will definitely be one of my new Go-To Week Night Dinners at least Once a month!
Dear old me, if I could come to you in a Dream, or send a letter to the past, this is what I’d say…
If only I could have come to you. Like they do in the movies… from the future. Things would be different. Maybe I’d we’d be happy.
Maybe I could’ve prevented a lot of heartache, pain, & suffering.
I’d have told you that you look beautiful. All the time. I’d have told you that you cannot depend on anyone – ever. Except for you.
You can’t wait around expecting everyone else to take care of you. Even if they do. You still have to have the ability to do things yourself and foryourself.
Trying your hardest isn’t for anyone else- in the moment, yeah maybe- but in the long run, it’s all for you.
It’s you your proving yourself to. It’s you that wants to see you do great things. It’s you that wants you to achieve great things and become great things… & it is You who should learn from your mistakes.
In the long run, the only person rooting for you is you. Yea you might have your own personal Cheerleaders cheering you on, but they don’t can’t care as much as youdo, about you.
I’d have told you that it really doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks. It REALLY DOES NOT!!! I would Even pinky swear it & Seal it with a Kiss.
I’d have agreed that yes, self affirmations do seem and sound silly; like a silly thing to do, and that your metabolism is even sillier – but to believe in both.
I’d have told you to Enjoy your young body while you have it, and to have it for as long as you can- I’d have told you that it really is Your Sacred Space- that way you could enjoy every stage that follows youth.
That way you didn’t hold onto things with such a death-like grip.
That way, it was easier for you to move on.
That way, letting go and moving on don’t become the most impossible, Soul crushing , Feats that never fail to break you from the very core of your spirit.
I’d have told you to believe them. Believe every compliment you’ll ever receive – Even if you don’t believe the person giving it.
I’d have told you to Always beLoyal, especially to yourself. That way, when someone else truly deserves your loyalty, you’ll give it without a second thought. Like Second Nature.
That way, you aren’t too busy being loyal to the ones who aren’t loyal to you. That way, you don’t spend half of your life questioning why someone is loyal to you. That way, you don’t break your heart, and a heart that isn’t yours.
I’d tell you to always Cherish the people who have your back. Even if they don’t always have it. Cherishthem,but do not come to Rely on them.
I’d tell you that you are Worthy and Deserving of love, happiness, and all things good,but that life isn’t alwaysjustthose things.
I’d tell you that in order to matter you have to make a difference, and in order to make a difference, you have to matter. Or at least it will feel that way.
I’d tell You to sprinkle bits and pieces of you, everywhere you go. Leaving parts of you behind. In the places that need you.In the places you’ll matter.
I’d tell you that your going to want to leave behind a Legacy bigger than anything you’d ever do.
So I’d ask you if you could please start working on that now.
I’d tell you that, the way things are going now, by the time you turn 30, you’ll feel empty- Even filled with all that you’ll know. You’ll feel bad. Like something is Missing. Dooomed. Afraid even.
It’s the year 2005 or 2006, the year you get your license. The month is ApriI. I think I was in 10th grade, driving a 1994 XL Fire Engine Red Chevy Blazer. I was not yet an experienced highway driver, so wherever I went, I went the back roads.
On this particular day it didn’t matter. The place I was going was all back roads. There was one way into town and one way out, and this was it. A Long, winding, curvy, strip of what felt like forever. Beautiful mansion like houses lined the road, and the smell, the sticky smell of the salt water clung to the hairs inside of my nose the way you would picture molecules and cells sticking together.
It was the same road I had traveled down many, many times throughout my youth with my parents to get to the Beach, but one of the first times I had driven it myself. And I wasn’t going to the Beach this time. I was going to a Women’s Health Clinic to be put on birth control, without my mother’s knowledge or consent. They had a little notebook, a journal, filled with “testimonials” from patients before us. Essentially, the ” Comment’s Section” of this particular Women’s health Clinic.
I’d brought my friend Leena with me for support, more of a celebratory support. Little did I know- I was going to need more than that, and a lot of it.
I peed in a little cup for what I believe now, was the first time I’d ever done so ( outside of when my mom would hold the cup for me at my annual physical with my pediatrician), sat back down in the waiting area with Leena, and began reading some journal entries.
After about 45 minutes, and a lot of whispering stares and side eyed glares, a woman opened her door and called out my name, ” Cori? Come on in.”
We spoke about the different types of birth control, my history ( which wasn’t much yet) and then she asked if I’d like for her to bring my support person in. That threw me way off, but I sort of chuckled it off and thought it’d give us a lot of laughing material for the ride home.
She opened her office door and called out, ” Leena, could you please come in and take a seat with us?” . A knot began g r o w i n g inside of my belly. My nerves were starting to catch up to me.
When my Best Friend entered the room, we locked eyes and nervously smiled at one another.
“What is going on?” I ask the, (lets call her “Doctor”) Doctor.
” Unfortunately Cori*, we can not give you a prescription of Birth Control today, but we can offer support-” Said Doctor, uneasily.
What?! What the hell do you mean??? What is wrong with me?? Is it an STD?! HERPES? HIV? AM I DYING?! – Were some of the first thoughts that went through my head, my best friend Leena, was thinking the same things. She was so afraid of what the next words would be, she visibly clenched her fists into the arms of the chair, on each side of her body.
” We can not give you a prescription for Birth Control today, because…. you are already Pregnant.”
Explosives going in all corners of my brain.
That’s. Not. Possible. ( not a statement taken lightly in such a situation).
I couldn’t imagine being PREGNANT!? I had just turned 16 years old.
NO!! This cannot be happening. I was t r y i n g to get AHEAD OF THIS!!
The first audible words out of my mouth were, ” Okay, Well… Soo what can you guys do for this? What can we do about this? I need to fix this and fast, and again, w i t h o u t my mother finding out…”
The only support offered to me by the lovely clinic, was a few brochures regarding adoption and teen pregnancy. They did not offer, provide, nor support a b o r t i o n.
When I walked out of the clinic, I took what felt like the first breath I had taken since Leena sat down in Doctor’s office with me.
My face stained in tears, I called my boyfriend Anthony.
When he answered, he already knew something was not right. See, usually I’d only call him over the 2-way Radio. So when the phone rang and he saw my name flash across the screen, his stomach bubbled.
On the ride home, I called my mom.
She could hardly understand the words coming out of my mouth, but she got the idea. ” Drop Leena off, and head home, I’ll be right over.”
Cut to- It’s the second-to-maybe Third-to-Last Day of 10th Grade, June of 05/06, and I have an appointment scheduled for the following day. I’m sitting in Mrs. Lato’s Spanish class nauseous, a feeling I’d begun to get used to, and my teacher won’t let me go to the bathroom, a g a i n. I know my bathroom breaks were frequent, more frequent than normal- and they thought I was going to smoke cigarettes, ( something I did regularly in the school bathrooms). Over the last 3 months, my bathroom breaks had become even more frequent, and I was doing more than just s m o k i n g in the girls room.
Even when I did go in there to smoke, I would throw up. E v e r y. s i n g l e. t i m e. I was SO frustrated. I had been trying to keep this secret for months, as one pregnant 10th grade teenager would do. It wasn’t that I couldn’t take the secret any longer, it was that I had to throw up, and did NOT want to do so in front of a room full of Juniors and Seniors, most of whom I was n o t friendly with.
I tried to cover all my bases. I asked if I could PLEASE run to the bathroom, THREE TIMES. In between my pleas, Mrs. Lato would throw in a wise remark. She thought it was funny. She wasn’t trying to be mean, no – she was just trying to get through her lesson. ” It’s the last week of school, cant you wait until the bell rings? Your not going to want to miss a thing in class today or tomorrow.”
“I’m not going to be here tomorrow or the next day. So May I Please run to the bathroom? It’s s e r i o u s. It’s a M e d i c a l condition. It’s a g i r l problem.”
Nothing. She ignored me each time.
I rose from my chair and exited the class room. Fuming. Actually, f u m i n g. This was the first time I felt my whole body heat up the way it did in response to my anger. I felt my skin turn flush. My neck, covered in blotches of red… embarrassment? Fear? No, Anger. Anger that looked like a bad allergic reaction.
I splashed my face with water, and looked at myself in the fun house like mirror that was mounted along the wall as you exited the bathroom. I wanted to wait for the bell to ring, but back then, the concept of time wasn’t what it is now. It lasted longer. One half hour felt more like One whole hour. Fifteen minutes was more like 45. So I waited for my face to cool down some, and I walked back to class.
I loved you the moment I met you, but I didn’t know what that would mean.
I loved you for a decade and had no idea the trouble that would bring.
I loved you even when I made you leave. I loved you even though you never came back. I loved you even though you MADE me stay away…. I loved you… or so you’d say.
You loved me when you called the cops, because i came around, you see, I thought you’d never dare be the one to burn me to the ground. I loved you when you lied to me, you’ve always fucking lied.
I loved you when I was just a girl, and you turning into man, you have to know how hard it was for me to understand. I wasn’t ready to be responsible. I didn’t even know how.
See no one ever taught me how to take care of myself, so when it was time I lost my mind, I spiraled off my shelf.
I’m broken , but Did I break you too? I didn’t know I had that power. See sometimes I think, that I came broken, or at least came to know it . See, I’m not sure if that’s really true, or if I could really try to remember when I Broke. What made me break. Could I map it out on a timeline ?
I’m trying to wrap my head around it – I’m trying really hard, because I need to know how long It’ll take to let go of the whole façade.
I’ve known you more than half of my life and more than half of that I’ve had to walk on egg shells- Don’t get me wrong, You were always a good chef, just never really learned how to properly clean up your mess. So on shells I’ve continued to step.
We use excuses, you use your lines, she knows one of us is the main reason that we lost so much of our time. One day she’ll make her own decisions, I sure hope she’ll make some improvisions. Not repeat my life like I did mine – I never believed mine, not even half the time.
This shit we did, it effected my whole life, who’d have thought it’d still be putting me through strife?
and when did I myself stop being a kid? I don’t remember what day it was, I don’t know what it was I did. What I did to stop being a kid, besides having myself my own little kid. I don’t know where it happened I don’t know why, All’s I do know is that time truly does fly. Where does it go, that time you ask? It follows you around, like the Ghost Of Christmas’ Past. I’ll end this here with this last thing, I know it’s gone, I know it happened, I know being a kid isn’t just something I imagined, I just don’t know the why’s or the how’s or the whens, I also don’t know how and when time ends. – “FmomB”
As I work on my book, I write peices here… food for my thought, as this writing stimulates the brain, and brings me back to where I need to remember.
8 years?? 8 years…. 2 more children , 4 apartments, 2 houses, 3 states, 6 + Vehicles –hell that last one might be slightly off, but whose counting?Countless losses that I don’t even want to begin listing.. For our generation? …Generations? More than I can count in my head.
One full blown relapse. 4 revolving doors to familiar rehabs & a jagged edged 6 year recovery. [ no this isn’t the 12 days of Christmas Parody ] I should know what the day is. I’ve been waiting for it. Just as quickly as all the other dates that I thoughtlessly count down to come creeping up on me, my mind begins to shut it out. Trying to forget . Lizard brain? Monkey brain? Elephant brain?? Short Term Brain? Grief Brain? Trauma brain? That might take the cake, and even if some of those are not really a thing, it’s what I’m calling it these days.
That might be a part of the reason I didn’t realize it was “the date” today. Even as I wrote it down on the tardy sheet 2xs today, signing my kids in on the 3 minutes “late” mark, (happens more often than I’d like to admit). As many times as I had typed the date into a text message, or as many times as I swiped through my Phone’s Calendar trying to book client’s and schedule Doctors appointments non synchronously in the days before, leading up to today, knowing how close it was. I know what today is, and I knew it was coming.
I’m still here, and it’s been 8 whole years since you have not been here. It’s been 8 whole years that I’ve dreaded what was once my favorite month.
I’ve outlived you. I’m a year older than you ever were.
How is that possible?
How has the world turned 8 whole times without you?
You were my first lesson in loss. Losing you, showed me what it feels like to lose someone you truly love, that deep kinda love that hurts your soul, even when it is good. It maybe even prepared me for what was yet to come.
I’ve added Loss to the list of firsts. You were a repeat offender on my first’s list. Not things like, first kiss, first love, first time, first boyfriend… no not those kind of first’s.
First Love & Friend Loss. You were the first Friend I ever lost, and the first Love I ever lost.
Let’s put a pin in that & save that list for another day.
The first time I ever loved someone so much and had them so fucking Rudely and abruptly taken away from this Plane. I had no idea. I texted you, called you, left voicemails & joked.. asking you to resend that picture… the new Rock??
I knew you’d never willingly leave without notice. That you wouldn’t make plans for Saturday if you knew it wasn’t going to come.
I knew you.
I knew you even if for only 8 years.
We had gone through so much in such a short time, and even though we were not together, I knew you still had that love for me.
I don’t even completely understand how you’ve been gone for the same amount of years as I knew you.
If I’m a year older than you ever got to be, am I older than you now? Are you forever 31?
I love you pxs3, the best friend I’d ever have, the only male version of myself I could ever love.
I’ll never forget our last conversation, just the day before, and will forever ask myself the same questions. Did you know? Were you trying to tell me something? Were you saying Goodbye, See you there? Or was the universe trying to tell me?
We talked about the Devils Throne,& how we’d take it over.. You & I. Promoted ‘King & Queen’ of a world we don’t know exists.
I remember exactly where I was driving at that exact moment. Passing DW Park, sitting at the light, Park to my right.
Smiling ear to ear listening to you talk, laughing together, joking about our happily ever afters. The conversation hadn’t started that way, no not at all even close. When I answered that very last phone call, you were crying... sniffling. Longing to be with your sons for the weekend, even if just for the day. You explained what was happening and how it mimicked what had happened some years before. You told me you couldn’t go through this again. You told me how Evil she was, and warned me to stay away from her cousin. I wish I had have listened…
I Promised you I would be there for you whenever I could, I swore I’d do anything I was able for you, whenever my relationship with your ex best friend allowed. I told you we were fixing things, we had 2 toddlers & a new baby and things at home had just started gettingbetter. I worked my ass off to get to where I was, and I said you could too… but none of that means we cant still be friends. No, We WILL be friends I swore to you, and I would tell him this weekend how I’m going to be there for you. He won’t mind, I promised.
I’m Sorry for missing those calls that night. I’m sorry I didn’t check sooner.
We are unstoppable, & no one can keep us apart, not even the Devil himself. No, we could and would overthrow him.
You were finally Free. For the first time in years, we were Free Simultaneously.
I had been waiting for this for years. Literally. I wanted to be there for you, with you, and this was it. So why? Why did You have to leave? You were once so strong, not only in the physical sense, but mental too.
I wish I could play every single one of our memories on a projector, they were literally some of the most critical times of my life.
I’d have followed you to the end of the world had time allowed. Where Would we be today?
Where are you today? Do you forgive me? Are You Proud?
I gave up everything for you.
PS. It was 21 Guns… the Music Video that played on MTV all Summer long. That woke us up to flashing lights & a really aggressive beat Every single time, at 2 – 3 AM. The song that gave us a hangover.