What would you give to be that kid again?

What I would give to go back in time today, right now & be the little girl who didn’t truly understand the lyrics to some of my favorite songs..

The songs I sang the words to with such harmless, aimless compassion …

What I’d give to not feel the words to every song so deeply inside of my soul, because I get it.

What id give to be put to bed by such love and such inner peace, and to wake up feeling genuinely reset and worthy. A brand new day.

Extra Long Phone Charger [3-Pack 6FT 6FT 10FT] Nylon Braided USB Charge & Sync Cable Cord Compatible with iPhone X Case/8/8 Plus/7/7 Plus/6/6s Plus/5s/5,iPad Mini Case - Pink

To be told that I don’t understand something yet, and really, truly & innocently NOT understand it.

To believe everything without needing proof.

To trust and believe in love, and that everything will be okay.

To not know about mental health or addictive pain.

To not know what it feels like to give up, or be given up on.

To not have to watch my every word before it even becomes a thought.

I’d give anything to feel these ways, or to feel nothing like I feel now a days.

America, Home Of the Controlled and the Controlling.

I was just a few weeks into my 16th year when I had an abortion, and it was not the worst decision I had ever made in my life. As a matter of fact, it really was not my decision at all.

The worst part about it? Was that my adult made the decision as to whether or not I would stay awake, or be put to ‘sleep‘ / lightly sedated, during the procedure.

The latter was what I wanted. I did not want to remember. But it was not up to me, none of this was. The latter, was not what was chosen.

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This was not up to me. It was intended that I remember this experience. This was my lesson. I would be fully awake, so that I would know learn, to not get pregnant again.

That is not what I learned from this experience.

Even though I had some of the Best Health Insurance money could buy, and even though my boyfriend offered wanted to come with me, my Adult had lessons for each of us tucked into every pocket and up every sleeve.

My adult did have good intentions.

My Boyfriends lesson came out of his wallet in the form of a $500 Money Order.. for only $50 (or 100) more dollars, they would sedate me. It was my choice. Except when I didn’t have the extra money to hand over right then an there. Except when they brought my adult into the room.

This did not get to be my decision. Who was I, but a Dumb, Young, Sophomore, who found out she was pregnant by driving an hour away to the ‘Free Clinic, behind my Adult’s backs to get put on ‘The Pill‘ (Birth Control Pill)?

Who was I but a sneaky Teenager who did all the things her adult told her not to?

A few short years and a high school diploma later – and we were pregnant again.

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The first person I did not call?

My Adult.

I knew right away what I was not doing.

I was not going back to that place.

Literally or Figuratively.

The place I had arrived at in the wee morning hours on what was the last day of the school year.

The place I had to use and remember a Secret code word to get in, but not before a Guard wanded me down to ensure the safety of others.

(Mind you this code word was the same code word for each one of the friends whom I accompanied to this same place throughout high school..)

The place where they took me into a room to counsel me, and told me that this was all ‘my choice‘. It didn’t matter my age, or what anyone else wanted me to say or do. All of the decisions being made on that day, would lie solely on me. My Body, My choice. But that just was not true.

The place where they made me feel like I mattered, like I was safe, like everyone there gave a shit about me and that everything was going to be OKAY.

And everything was okay, even when they wheeled me into the procedure room. Even when they sat me on the padded blue table, had me lie down and open my legs up. Open more..

wider

wider

A nurse told me to place my feet on these, and let my knees fall apart to each side, as far, open, and as relaxed, as I possibly could.

She held my hand and told me step by step, move by move what was happening before, after and as it was happening. I squeezed her hand through the pain as if to share my pain with her.

I could not do all any of that again.

This time; my our choice. And I was keeping our baby.

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I’m grateful that the option was there – because had it not been, I may not have finished my high school education. I may not have walked at graduation with my graduating class mates.

However, I just wish that the first time I got pregnant, I was more informed, more educated on life. During a pregnancy, after a pregnancy, while having a child, what happens to my body, my mind, my life, my education.

All of it.

The only thing I factored into my decision was that my decision was taken away from me and I wasn’t going to let that happen again.

Little did I know, my ‘informed decision making process’ never fully formed into its own thing. It stopped at what I was told to do and why I was told.

child touching his mother lamb
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Two years after having my first born, I was pregnant again. I was about 3 or 4 months along when I began to miscarry. The Emergency room Doctors sent me home to pass what they described as a clot ‘no larger than an orange’. After what felt like days of labor, I passed the fetus, and I felt like I was dying for a whole 3 days later.

When I finally got myself home and to my home doctor, he told me I was hemorrhaging and needed to have a D&C and quickly. He sent me to the hospital next door, did an ultrasound and a few other short tests and within an hour, I was in a gown in a bright, cold, light, procedure room, with my doctor, the same Doctor who delivered my first born, having a D&C.

citrus fruits and ultrasound result on white surface
Photo by RODNAE Productions on Pexels.com
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After having 3 children, I got pregnant again. During a regular Ultrasound Scan in my earlier weeks, I was told that the baby had bilateral cysts on her Brain, A Mild Marker of Trisomy 18.

I was told that at my next scan, at 21 weeks, even if the cysts disappeared; we would not know if the baby would be born with Trisomy 18 or not. I was told that it was something like a 1 in 50,000 chance that she would be born with Trisomy 18. At my 21 week scan, they noticed the cysts had disappeared, and that was the last ultrasound I got before the big D-Day!

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I was completely horrified. I was receiving all sorts of information that I did not know what to do with. I could not make this decision. I could not go through a pregnancy only to lose my baby in the hours or days after birthing her, I would not be okay for me or for my other children.

In the state that I lived in, they would not perform a medical abortion after 21 weeks, unless absolutely deemed necessary. So I looked in other states around me. After long hard conversations with family, a lot of praying, crying and not understanding life – I decided that I would not do anything. I decided that I would pray, and that God would not give me anything that I could not handle – even if I could not understand it.

After 40 weeks of carrying my 4th beautiful blessing and not knowing what would happen on the day she was born, I chose to be induced, again. However, I knew something was not right. I had been telling asking my doctor for months if where her head should be, felt like a bum to him, and vise versa, to which he assured me that she was in the correct position.

She was not. She was Breech.

This ended in an Emergency C-Section. The thing I had spent hours watching t.v shows and a couple of Netflix specials on. C-Sections, exactly what I had always thought that I never wanted.

Once they pulled my newborn baby out of me and got her breathing, they allowed her dad to see her. After I heard her cry, I whispered through tears, ” Thank God.” but I still wasn’t sure if she would be okay. My first words after hearing her were, “Is she okay? Does she look Okay? Is she perfect?”

My stories are neither here nor there when it comes to abortion, or its laws, however, that is my whole point. I am grateful that there was always an option, a choice. Decisions are not easy to make, especially when it comes to life, and they should not be made for us, unless one is incapable of making such a decision. These are decisions that should be made solely by the women whose bodies are undergoing all this change. This is not about pro-life, anti life, pro se or anyones rights – this is purely about control.

road people art new york
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What does vaping make you feel like?

I’ve been a cigarette smoker for more than half of my life. More specifically, a menthol cigarette smoker. A Newport smoker.

Pack of 20 Newport's - Menthol Cigarette's
Pack Of Newport’s – Menthol Cigarettes

When I was 22 years old, I had a little bit of my freedom taken away for about 3 weeks. Where I was, I could still smoke, but not on my own time.

I couldn’t smoke whenever I felt like smoking, but only when it was announced… ” SMOKE BREAK!!! SMOKE BREAAAK COME GET YA SMOKE BREAK! TIME FOR FRESH AIR!!! ”

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At that point- one cigarette, a short- was just not enough.. it just didn’t do it for me. So, I switched to Newport 100s. This way, I could smoke 1 whole cigarette, plus a half of a cigarette & save the other half for next time. ( or give it away to someone without any.)

I thought for sure this change would be temporary. That when I got home, I’d go right back to smoking shorts. I wouldn’t need all that cigarette when I could smoke on my time. Whenever I wanted to smoke.

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That wasn’t the case. Instead, I continued smoking Newport 100s. The excuse I used now?? “It’s easier to Split a cigarette with someone…”

Well, true true, Fair Point. It worked well when I hung out with other smokers. My live-in-BoyFriend also smoked Newport’s and we felt like splitting the 100s made us smoke less!!! THE LOGIC!!

I mean everyone we talked to, e v e r y o n e we hung out with always wanted us to “Split a cigawette wisss me pls?” (a joke for another day)

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There were a few times in between then and now, that I actually quit smoking all together.

Those times, I used the Nicotine Patches to quit.

img source target.com

The most successful time I used the patches, I stayed on Step One, 21MG’s, for about 2.5-3 months. It was Christmas-time & I had a lot going on at the time. My doctor was very much monitoring me with monthly appointments.

Somewhere in between the third and fourth month of Step One, (January), I felt as though I was finally ready to step down to a 14MG Patch, Step 2. During the transition, 4 of 5 times, there was a period of, 2 maybe 3 days that I had forgotten to change my patch all together. So when the time came to step down, I put on the 14MG patch and within a few shorts hours I was so sick.

Clammy palms, sweaty armpits, pounding headache with an emphasis on light sensitivity and nausea.

Forgetting to switch my patch for multiple days, multiple times, had lowered nicotine tolerance significantly.

After taking a few hour break without any patches on, I stepped down even lower, to Step 3, 7MG’s.

It didn’t make me sweat, or give me a headache, but the nausea was sticking to my insides like you’d think a giant wad of swallowed Bazooka Bubble Gum would do. Bazooka (chewing gum) - Wikipedia [Click image for Bazooka Bubble Gum Song by ScouterMom. com!]

A few short hours and a nice hot shower later – I could officially say I quit smoking. It felt great to say and so did I.

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Two and a half years later, while celebrating my “Dirty 30” at a bar in Patriot’s Place with a ‘good friend‘ of mine, we got a little buzzed and bummed a few cigarettes. None of which were Newports.

We Craved that cooling Menthol sensation that feels so much like relief.

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So, on the way back to her house, she bought us a pack of shorts, and we vowed to toss them out the window on the ride home.

We were rationalizing ….. We both preferred to smoke 100s, so it’s not like we’d really want them afterwards.

They were shorts, so we weren’t smoking as much.

It was my birthday, I deserved to do what I wanted to.

I hadn’t had a cigarette in 2.5 years, I wouldn’t throw that all away in one night… Right?

Happy Birthday To Me.

I did not throw that pack out the window on the ride home that night.

I told myself I was not going to litter just to get them away from me. No, I’d throw them in the first dumpster I saw. More rationalizing on my part.

Still, I didn’t.

I smoked three that night and held onto the pack for over a week. After they were gone, I picked right back up.

Stupid.

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Maybe just as stupid as my most recent attempt at “quitting“. See I tried to stay the course I knew, and use the Patch again, but I continued to smoke- and you cannot do both.

This time, Newports and all menthol cigarettes had been completely banned from the State that I live in. Flavors were completely banned. I’d have to drive an hour or more to get the cigarettes I smoked.

This time, I picked up something new. Something I’ve pretty much always been against.

Something that has been turned into ‘the trendy way to smoke.’

Appealing to the budding minds of our youth.

Our children.

The Future.

There are risks, we just don’t know about them all, not yet.

Vaping.

I thought that by using a Puff Bar, more Specifically, an ESCO BAR whenever I craved a cigarette, than I was on the path to quitting.

I thought that with every craving I had, Every puff that I took, I was one step closer to being a retired smoker.

Instead, I was using just another form of replacement therapy.

The flavors were wide and filled with taste. Colorful even. So hard to choose.

Now – I use this…

SMOK’s Nord 4. It’s a small enough vape “bar” with a removable tank to add in nicotine flavors. The difference between this and an Esco Bar, is that this can be refilled as needed, buttt also, everyone so often the coil needs to be changed out. How do you know when to change it?? Oh you’ll know.

The bitter/bad coil taste has quite a wide variety of grotesque tastes. When you know- You know.

I thought this was not as bad as smoking cigarettes, and, while it might not be as bad as sucking down 20 Newport 100’s per day – It still feels like its pretty frikkin bad!! I’ll tell you a little about what I feel.

See usually when I quit smoking, I feel it in my lungs pretty shortly after quitting. I feel like breathing becomes easier, lighter even.

With vaping, I’ve not felt my breathing get lighter by any means, maybe slightly easier, cleaner, but not lighter.

I don’t stink like stale cigarette smoke anymore *hooray!!* and my mouth doesn’t taste like an old dirty ashtray, but are my lungs greasy now?? Oil and water do not mix, so is the oil sitting on the fluid of my lungs? It sort of feels like this is what that would feel like. hmm.

There are days where I feel like I’m puffing on a computer – Like I’m puffing electricity… if that were a thing…

The dull ache in the back of my throat that connects in my head, leads me to believe it has something to do with my vaping… but what do I know?

My breath sometimes feels heavy, too heavy. Like taking a great big inhale just won’t work because it’s too heavy, or something is in the way.

This isn’t an every time thing, however it is a thing. Is it due to vaping? I can’t say, but there are times where I feel like I know my body so well, that I know something is going on in there…

I’d need to do a lot more research on the effects of vaping to really know any answers, but today I just wanted to share my thoughts about my vaping with you. Have something you’d like to add or say about vaping or smoking?

We’d love to hear you Share in the comments!!

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Some Link Sources Found throughout the Page:

  • Urban Dictionary is where it's attt!!
  • Merriam Webster Dictionary tells alll!
  • Wikipedia is Big Big Helpful...
  • Scouter Mom . Com
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Do You Know What Day it is?

Friday October 21, 2022

Do you know what day it is?? It FRIYAY!! Well duh!! We knew that… Right? Some days… I do, whilst other days I completely do not. Especially during the Pandemic. I lost all sense of tracking days. As a matter of fact, since the Pandemic began, I’ve lost all sense of time.. but that is for another day. Knowing the Day/Date is not what I mean today. Today, we’re talking about National, International, & Global, holidays. Every Day is a holiday somewhere. Take Full advantage of that and celebrate at least a little something every day!! Lets take a look at today’s Holidays. I am not sponsered by, but typically use the website, ” NationalToday.com”, to check in on the holiday’s and anniversaries of the day! Let’s see what they’ve got for us today.

Source: DrJockers.comhttps://drjockers.com/iodine-deficiency/

Global Iodine Deficiency Disorder Prevention Day…

Did you know? Iodine can be related to hormone balances, and can be linked to thyroid normality’s and abnormalities.

International Day of the Nacho…

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Try this Great Nacho Recipe from Simply Recipes, to get your celebration started !!!

Source: simplyrecipes.comhttps://www.simplyrecipes.com/recipes/nachos/

National Mammography Day…

While it reads, October 16th, it is on the list of today’s holidays. So how could I leave this one out?? Early Detection= early treatment= Life.

Nationaltoday.com

National Check Your Meds Day… for free Medical Advice –

pixabay.com

Celebration of the Mind Day – My Favorite celebration of the Day!!!

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Celebrate your mind- Get Free Advice regarding your meds- Eat tons of Nachos, and be aware of your Iodine intake!!

There are a ton of other “Holidays” Today, these are just a few that really stuck out to me!! I’ve added links to a few other great things that you can Celebrate on this Day below!! Check them out and let us know what your favorite one is??

Have a Nacho Recipe that is worthy of a celebration?! Share your recipe in the comments! :]

Did you Celebrate any of these today?? Tell us which ones, why, and how you chose to Celebrate on October 21st!!

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October 21 Holiday List...

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What is icd and how to control it? ( impulse control disorder)

https://lighthouserecoveryinstitute.com/blog/understanding-impulse-control-disorder-addiction/

There is a reason I choose to write about Impulse Control Disorder today.

I’ve always been a wicked impulsive person. It’s primitive. It may have even gotten worse with age. Maybe. However, I’ve never really been able to, tried to understand it.

It’s not easy to wrap your head around something that you cannot visibly see. Society wants us to just accept things for what they are because they say so. However, not everything. How can I accept something when I can’t even understand it? I’ve never been one to want to do the work, the research, I just want the know, the knowledge. Instant Gratification.

The word impulsive, derives from the word impulse.

Being a person who acts on impulse, or an impulsive person, means one that acts before, or without thinking about it. “Acting or Done without forethought.”

Let’s shine a little light on a part of society who needs to know they are not alone.

What Is Impulse Control Disorder?

Impulse control Disorder is a behavioral disorder, one where the person really has no control over their behavior. Triggers can be things like anger, sadness, fear, or an overwhelming amount of uncontrollable emotions.

Having emotional overloads – Not knowing where to put your feelings, or who to be mad at. So you may seem like your mad at everyone– including the wrong people. Including Yourself.

Most impulse control disorders are initially apparent during childhood or adolescence. They can still be evident during adulthood. Acts of defiance and anger can be attributed to normal child development. Those with impulse control disorders will exhibit longer-lasting episodes of aggressive behavior. 

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Impulse control disorders tend to share four specific commonalities:

  • The person repeats the behavior despite any adverse consequences suffered.
  • They have little control over troublesome behavior.
  • The person seems to experience an overwhelming urge before exhibiting the behavior.
  • The person seems to take pleasure from the behavior.

When impulse control disorders go untreated, they can impact the person’s quality of life. Many can result in legal problems or financial ruin.

impulse control disorder
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Common Types of Impulse Control Disorder

This my friends is tough. It’s a hard pill to swallow.So grab your tall glass of ice water, or your medium hot coffee from Dunkin’, and take it down.

Cheers!!!

No, but really!! This stuff really makes my chest tighten, my heart feel squeezed. Nightmares may or may not be made of this stuff.

Some of the most common impulse disorders includes diagnosis’ such as; pyromania, trichotillomania, kleptomania, intermittent explosive disorder, compulsive sexual disorder, the list goes on.

Visit First Light Recovery’s (FLR) website to find self quiz’s, blogs, help lines, phone numbers, programs, contacts , and so much more IFY!!

Below, you’ll find a list of some of the different types of impulse control disorders, accompanied by a brief description of each type. This list was copied directly from the website of First Light Recovery. You can find it here.

.

Conduct Disorder

Conduct disorder is a pattern of aggressive behavior towards others. These behaviors include breaking the rules at home, in school, and among their peers. Rule violations can be severe. Behaviors that cause harm to others, such as bullying and cruelty to animals, can be a part of this disorder.

Trichotillomania

Trichotillomania is when a person obsessively and intentionally pulls out their hair. It is significant enough that the loss of hair is noticeable. Ultimately, the condition can lead to social isolation and occupational disability. Trichotillomania is considered to be an obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Pyromania

Pyromania is an impulse control disorder where the person has an uncontrollable urge to set fires. They are aware of the damage this behavior can cause, but that doesn’t stop them. Pyromaniacs usually have a fascination with fire and watching things burn. They do not set fires to destroy things intentionally but experience relief from lighting things on fire.

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Compulsive Sexual Behavior

Compulsive sexual behavior, also known as sex addiction, is an overwhelming preoccupation with sex. This behavior includes masturbation, promiscuity, pornography, exhibitionism, voyeurism, or fetishes. In small doses, these behaviors can be relatively healthy; however, for a sex addict, they become obsessive.

Over time, sex addiction becomes more of a means of reducing anxiety than seeking pleasure. This disorder can cause distress, destroy relationships, and potentially lead to social, occupational, financial, and legal consequences.

Intermittent Explosive Disorder

Oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) is most commonly seen in childhood. It primarily involves defiance, uncooperative behavior, or anger directed at those in positions of authority. Every child will naturally show mild forms of these behaviors. A diagnosis of ODD will come when this behavior lasts longer than six months and interferes with the child’s daily interactions. While ODD is treatable, it can later evolve into conduct disorder if it goes untreated.

Kleptomania

Kleptomania is an uncontrollable urge to steal things. Most of the time, the things taken are not things that the kleptomaniac needs. They are usually items that are small and carry very little value. 

This impulsive control disorder is considered to be rare and incurable. Treatment has been shown to end the cycle of this compulsion.

Compulsive Gambling

Compulsive gambling is also known as pathological gambling or gambling disorder. It is an uncontrollable urge to keep gambling even when it is ruining a person’s life. 

Compulsive gamblers will keep gambling until they have emptied their savings and are in debt. They have been known to steal money or write bad checks to be able to keep gambling. This disorder can destroy relationships and leave the compulsive gambler in financial ruin.

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The Co-Occurrence of Impulse Control Disorders and Substance Abuse

Another fact is that its pretty common for individuals with ICD to also have substance abuse disorder. This is what we call co-occurrence or comorbidity to 2 conditions.

The National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) estimates that approximately half of those with substance use disorder also have a mental illness. 

Individuals with impulse control disorders may start abusing substances to self-medicate. Unfortunately, their tendency towards compulsive behavior can translate to an addiction to illegal drugs or alcohol. In some cases, impulse control disorders lead to substance abuse, while in other cases, the opposite is true.

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Learning about Mental Health is important, at any and ALL ages. I say we treat mental health as a Subject in school, and touch base with it in the most age appropriate way possible behind school doors.

Knowledge is Power.

They may think that feeding us this knowledge gives us a dictionary of excuses for poor or bad behaviors- but if we know and learn this stuff right from the get – we can potentially avoid and or resist the natural urges we have to push our limits and see what we can get away with.

image found on ScienceDirect.com

What are your thoughts on ICD???

Be a part of the conversation, share your story, or share this article to your page today!! Let’s give em something to talk about!

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Resources

Firstlightrecovery.com

Etymology of Impulse on en.wikitionary.org

CDC.gov- CDC's Mental Health Tab

ClevlandClinic.org

National Health Service - Mental Health Tab

National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) - Comorbidity - Substance abuse Disorders & Mental Health

Mayo Clinic on condition called Kleptomania

Mayo Clinic . org - Compulsive Sexual Behaviors

Mayo Clinic. org - Intermittent Explosive Disorder

WebMD - on Comorbidity

Do I have OCD? OCD Self Test by First Light Recovery

Home alone…. “ After all these years”…

1st installment of the Home Alone series-

This is completely unrelated to the Home Alone Franchise, The Walt Disney Company, Disney+, 20th Century Studios, 21st Century Fox, or any other Big Name producers, Studios, etc – that sound slightly different but are all pretty much the same company.

America Runs on Stay at Home Moms, they we are the ones who run on Dunkin’. The world in its entirety, runs on sahm’s. We keep the wheels turning in our homes, and we are the wheels of our families.

I’m not taking away from providers, however, they run on us too (yah, I know how it sounds). However, some SAHM’s do a lot of the providing themselves too.

I’ve been told many times that Most Moms do not have the ability to be a SAHM. That, Most working moms would kill to be a SAHM. It’s made to sound like being a SAHM is the easiest, most luxurious job in existence.

Yet, there is no Placement Test for being a SAHM. There is no training, no instruction manuals or how-to- Guides on being a Mom, never mind a Stay at home Mom.

It almost sounds like being a SAHM is a Career path, a goal that one should strive for in Life.

 Don't mistake my words, not yet at least.

As if being a SAHM isn’t the oldest job in the history of “jobs”, next to that of the “sex worker“.

See what Merriam has to say about that 

As if women didn’t spend decades, no centuries, fighting for the right to leave the home, go after their dreams, and have goals and aspirations of their own.

As if being a SAHM does not effect the Mental Health, the Wellness, and the overall Health in general, of a woman.

There is no rule book that tells you where and when this road leads to. All we know is that when our kids are 5, they go to Kindergarten. What we don’t know though, is when our “Job” as a stay at home parent, ends.

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Having a SAHM is in fact one of the Greatest Gifts that a family can be blessed with. It is one of the most Selfless, whole hearted, Thankless Gifts that we can give to our family. Having a SAHM can alleviate lots of additional family stressors too, like having to send your children to Daycare, or paying for additional child-care for before and after school.

Many kids will say that they’d prefer having one Stay at home Parent. One who will can chaperone every field trip, make it to every practice, and be at every game and every play without having to dip into their weekly income. One who can drop them off at school, and then be there to pick them up after school. All of those things are beneficial to us as well, because if we were working, we wouldn’t get to do all the things.

There are countless benefits and advantages to being a SAHM, as there are countless drawbacks and disadvantages too.

Being a SAHM, is a Gift. It is a blessing, and truly, one of the most selfless acts of love. It is instinctual and comes natural to most women, but it does not come to us free of charge.

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It is a gift to have the ability to be there the moment your children wake up in the morning, until the very minute they go to sleep at night.

It is a gift to be able to cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner, all from the very Kitchen of your own home, for everyone, every.single.day if you really want to.

It is a Gift to be able to hang out with your Toddler at the park at any time of day that you want, or go stroll around the mall aimlessly with your toddler in tow (money permitting) .

It is a Gift to be able to sit home, binge watching Netflix series after Netflix series, Movie after Movie, while your children run amuck together around the house, or even better, while they’re in school.

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It is a gift to be able to wash, dry, and Fold, your laundry all in the same day while simultaneously watching TV and playing with your kids.

Did I mention that being a SAHM is a Gift?

You can do anything you want to do when your a SAHM, really. However, the one thing you should know is, you should Not sit around doing whatever the hell you want to do every single day. You should Not do whatever the hell you want to do, especially if you want to do nothing.

Maybe the first year, sure, that would could be self acceptable, for a little while anyways. At least until all of your children are school aged, then you might not be as self accepting of your choices as you would have hoped.

Then it could have already become just another one of your bad habits.

The worst drawback of it all? You might happen to lose yourself. You may feel in the moments that, this is your purpose. That being a SAHM is your life, and, well, it is, but it’s not all of your life. There needs to be more. There needs to be hobby’s, skills and long term Goals. There needs to be a plan of action set into place for the day you are released of your stay at home duties.

People are always reminding us of how, “It goes by in the blink of an eye”, or to, “Enjoy them now cause’ it isn’t gonna be like this for long,” and as a society, we’ve come to accept that, some even embracing it.

It is human nature to expect things to happen the way they’re always supposed to happened. It is in some humans nature, more than others to be prepared, and or, to challenge what others would expect.

The day your youngest child goes to Kindergarten is a bitter sweet experience, more bitter if you are unprepared for what is going to happen all day.

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Today – I’m home alone, for the first time in over a decade- I do not have to do a damn THING ALL DAY if I don’t want to, but I should, right?

One might say that I’m an over-thinker – and I am – and during these school days, I’ve found myself wasting the hours away in worry. Worrying about what’s next for me. My thoughts race 90MPH from here to there and all over the place. Do I go back to school? Do I apply for a part time job? Do I want a career? Do I ever want to work? Do I want to open my own business? Doing what? Am I crafty enough? Am I good enough? Am I present enough? Do I spend enough time with my kids? Do I do enough? Do I do too much? Should I slow down? How do I slow down but speed up?? Why are there fruit flies in my kitchen? I should probably shower in the morning… What am I gonna make for dinner? Am I meditating for too long? Not long enough? Am I doing too much?

We are not alone. There are many of us who are lost, or just think we are lost. There are many of us over thinking every decision we have to make no matter how big or small.

Just for today I will quiet my thoughts, and be here, home alone.

You could ….

Oh the things you could do, if you felt the way about me, that I feel about you.

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By Queenie

You could feel the way I feel,

You could hurt the way I hurt,

You could want the way crave,

You could need the way I need you,

You could love, the way that I love you

And even want all of the same things too.

You could wish the things I wish,

You could cry over someone, the way I cry over you-

You could want commitment the way I want it too,

You could do all of these things,

This I know is true –

But only if you were with someone new

Cause I know you’ll never feel the same about me, as I feel about you.

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You could

    Being in Recovery feels

    Being in Recovery feels like someone took a Permanent Marker and drew all over your face and all over every important document with your name.

    It feels like it’s a brand.

    Sometimes.

    Sometimes, in recovery- it feels as though things will never get better.

    You might feel like your running up a hill– and every time you finally see the top, a big gust of fucks-with-your-life – blows you back to the bottom.

    E v e r y time you feel hopeful; that gust blows you back to your place.

    It can be so defeating.

    There are days where you might ask yourself, “ Why do I bother? Why am I here?”. Or maybe your stuck in the, “why me?” Phase, again.

    Some days you might find yourself blankly staring at walls, as if your reading a cheat sheet for life. Really your just staring emptily.

    Hungry for something more.. but afraid you’ll have to eat it.

    That could mean so many things.

    You could be so many things.

    This is just another test.

    Everything is just a test, how can’t we always see that??

    It’s all about knowing the right answer. It’s not about learning no- more . We did plenty of that before.

    It doesn’t always come right away, and sometimes you won’t even notice.

    Little by little good things will happen, you have to pay attention.

    You can behave and be clean, be sober and walk the straight and narrow – but if your not making moves, you are not going to move any differently than you were.

    You might sit and binge Netflix, Hulu or prime, you might wake up everyday for breakfast and not commit a single crime- but if your avoiding the things you shouldn’t, than your only wasting your own precious time.

    I can say this because I know it, because I do it myself all the time.

    And I “beat myself up” , while I’m ignoring my phones chime.

    Than I feel like I’m doing something, because I’m sitting here Writing, and I know that I can rhyme.

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    Any who; in recovery, life can be fine.

    You were stuck in your ways that are hard to move on from .

    It’s easy to change who you are when your doing nothing good and throwing your life away.

    It’s not easy to change when you have to come back from that.

    Did you know you’d never be able to go back to who you were before??

    People say it, and you hear it but what do they know?

    You can do anything; be anyone you want.

    Until you can’t. Until you won’t.

    Climb the ladder, no matter how tall. Don’t even worry about every time you fall.

    Sometimes life will surprise you, it happened to me today.

    I was accepted by someone important who gave me a leadership place.

    She looked at me, not past me – she gave me so much of her time.

    I cannot explain the feeling I had. My heart was jumping; I felt A rush of sadness and with tears brought such a smile. A light.

    A laugh.

    It’s not always rainbows and mostly it’s clouds … but sometimes the sun is only just behind a tree – you just need to move a little more and get a better line of site.

    xO. truthmom

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    This is what I’d say…

    Dear old me, if I could come to you in a Dream, or send a letter to the past, this is what I’d say…

    If only I could have come to you. Like they do in the movies… from the future. Things would be different. Maybe I’d we’d be happy.

    Maybe I could’ve prevented a lot of heartache, pain, & suffering.

    I’d have told you that you look beautiful. All the time. I’d have told you that you cannot depend on anyoneever. Except for you.

    You can’t wait around expecting everyone else to take care of you. Even if they do. You still have to have the ability to do things yourself and for yourself.

    Trying your hardest isn’t for anyone else- in the moment, yeah maybe- but in the long run, it’s all for you.

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    It’s you your proving yourself to. It’s you that wants to see you do great things. It’s you that wants you to achieve great things and become great things… & it is You who should learn from your mistakes.

    In the long run, the only person rooting for you is you. Yea you might have your own personal Cheerleaders cheering you on, but they don’t can’t care as much as you do, about you.

    I’d have told you that it really doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks. It REALLY DOES NOT!!! I would Even pinky swear it & Seal it with a Kiss.

    I’d have agreed that yes, self affirmations do seem and sound silly; like a silly thing to do, and that your metabolism is even sillier – but to believe in both.

    I’d have told you to Enjoy your young body while you have it, and to have it for as long as you can- I’d have told you that it really is Your Sacred Space- that way you could enjoy every stage that follows youth.

    That way you didn’t hold onto things with such a death-like grip.

    That way, it was easier for you to move on.

    That way, letting go and moving on don’t become the most impossible, Soul crushing , Feats that never fail to break you from the very core of your spirit.

    I’d have told you to believe them. Believe every compliment you’ll ever receive – Even if you don’t believe the person giving it.

    I’d have told you to Always be Loyal, especially to yourself. That way, when someone else truly deserves your loyalty, you’ll give it without a second thought. Like Second Nature.

    That way, you aren’t too busy being loyal to the ones who aren’t loyal to you. That way, you don’t spend half of your life questioning why someone is loyal to you. That way, you don’t break your heart, and a heart that isn’t yours.

    I’d tell you to always Cherish the people who have your back. Even if they don’t always have it. Cherish them, but do not come to Rely on them.

    I’d tell you that you are Worthy and Deserving of love, happiness, and all things good, but that life isn’t always just those things.

    I’d tell you that in order to matter you have to make a difference, and in order to make a difference, you have to matter. Or at least it will feel that way.

    I’d tell You to sprinkle bits and pieces of you, everywhere you go. Leaving parts of you behind. In the places that need you. In the places you’ll matter.

    I’d tell you that your going to want to leave behind a Legacy bigger than anything you’d ever do.

    So I’d ask you if you could please start working on that now.

    I’d tell you that, the way things are going now, by the time you turn 30, you’ll feel empty- Even filled with all that you’ll know. You’ll feel bad. Like something is Missing. Dooomed. Afraid even.