A mornings first thought

What if a soul mate isn’t the person you first fell in love with, but the first person who fell in love with you?

What if we’ve been looking at it wrong all along?

Who would your soulmate be?

Do you even remember? Or did you ever even know? Who keeps track? Or is there no track at all?

CMsqsuared.imissyou.iloveyou.

CcccccccM. I’m.so.sorry.

Very much like you, I’m stubborn. Maybe we’re stubborn in different ways. Either way.

I thought of you tonight. It was the first time in a long time that ive thought of you. I even searched your name on messenger,nothing recent.

For all I know , those messages go back 10-15 years… maybe I’d smile? Maybe I’d cry?

Idk. I don’t even want to.

Know, that is.

Can I start over, by saying how grateful I am that your alive??

Maybe I’m a hypocrite. But never in bad form or intentionally. I love you.

You’re a piece to my puzzle. Actually, a missing piece. How it’s been so long just doesn’t even make sense to me.

We were best friends for years

My longest friend.

I wish you were here to see, and hear SO MANY THINGS .

I love you. I miss you col.

Our babies have grown, my kids aren’t any longer Tiny infants and toddlers. We are no longer each other’s best friends.

And it’s my fault for being so weak.

I’m sorry that I was unsure of who to really trust with what just yet.*

I’m sorry you were backed into a corner.

I’m sorry that you blame me.

Overall I’m just so sorry for not being who you needed me to be, the best friend you needed in me.

I hope you are on top of the world with those boys.

Girls- both of you . I love and miss y’all more than I could show ❤️

ALL my love, and BEST wishes. From a blog you may never see . xoxo

Truly yours,

GymClassheros

***That my friends alone is a lesson – every person you trust – can and should ONLY be trusted with the type of ishhh they can be trusted with – otherwise- you literally cannot trust them. One per genera .

The kids double Halloween Birthday Party

I did it! It’s over … we got through it – I survived the panic

Birthday Party Itinerary help

Silly me. I made and sent out our, “annual Halloween / Double birthday party invitations”, without ever double checking them, and without a birthday party itinerary!!

Here is where ya’ll come in to help! :] –

I unfortunately wrote the time as “2pm-7pm”… see what I did there? My intentions were to have our party be from 3p-6p, but then I thought about daylight. We want darkness for at least a portion of the party! – Here lies my problem, I wrote that the party starts at 2pm.

People, and their children are going to show up at 2pm.

I need plans!! I need a way to better organize this day!!!

This Day is this Saturday.

I always make it work, but I think this time, I’m in need of some assistance.

The ages range from 3 year olds to 13 year olds, tons of in between.

That is a lot. A lot of different people to accommodate.

But this isn’t just your average, “Annual Halloween Party”. No not just that, but a Birthday Party for a little Girl turning 8, and a young man turning 10. DOUBLE. DIGITS.!!!!!

I have an eyeball Pinata for the kids to go haamm on.. of course the string broke the day we filled it.

I do have some games and activities for the kids such as;

Bucket of guts where kids retrieve items from gross noodles- Winner will be whoever collects the most in allotted time.

Monster Mash Musical Chairs

Pumpkin Bowling; After they bowl, they can decorate the pumpkins

Mummy Game w/ toilet paper rolls & teams .. ( this couldn’t happen the last birthday party due to TP outage! *eye roll*)

Ring Toss with a witch hat ( aka the orange cones my older child and her friend “found in a dumpster” …) – Way to go kiddo! Catching up!! Used my love for dumpster diving against me lol!

So, as you can see, I’ve got a lot to do this coming Saturday. I’ve got a lot to do.

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN-

To whom this may concern,

Hello! I hope you were awoken by a beautiful insert season here , ( in my case autumn) day this morning😊 and that wherever this letter finds you, may you be well! I think you know my name and all that, so we can skip the formalities!! For the sake of purpose.

My purpose in writing to you tonight, is to make a few things clear and get a few crooked things straight!

First and foremost, I am not new.

Maybe that is the most relevant problem with our ‘situation’, maybe it’s the least. I don’t know.

I’m skipping a beat to take a beat and ease into this, but there is no way to really do that besides worming around, the Ins and outs. It doesn’t even matter today. No, not this time. This time was, in every single and possible way – different. This time I didn’t even know what just happened . it was a flash. A bomb.

Your a bomb. A tornado . A hurricane without a warning .

You make me talk to fast, and I second, third & even fourth guess every single word out of my mouth when I’m near you.

Your soul will be forever in debt to me for using the fuck outta me. And you did make a promise and you lied. Lied manipulated… drained. As if my life isn’t enough.

As if I don’t have my own shit. I’ll remember. My soul.. will remember.

Is it Safe?

Everyone wants to know, is it safe?

Vaccines, shots, medicines, pills, etc.

Everyone wants to know. So how come when an addict asks, is it safe, do non-addicts question their sensibility? Because addicts, who have been addicted to street drugs were willing to, not only administer an ” I.V”, on their own, but an I.V filled with God knows what!!?

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I can get with that, but I can also get with this.

Our government is not trusted by MANY, MANY people. The reason we are/ were, ever addicted in the first place, in one way or another, is related to the government. The government runs this country. Fuck a simulation, that isn’t what this is! There are no pimpley nerds sitting behind V-R goggles eating a slice of burnt pizza dripping greese all over their laptop while they control our simulated world ( as the theory is going) – No. They are in suits and ties up in pent houses, on wall street, on our T.V screens, in OUR white house, speaking publicly, telling us what to do, and when to do it. They are all around us, Running our world.

They gave us the medical drugs. They did nothing about the street drugs. It is, was, will always be, up to us.

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So is it safe? Is birth control safe? Is Narcan safe? Is Prozac, adderall, or Naltrexone safe? What about the flu shot? The COVID-19 vaccine?? The MMRA baby shots? Zoloft? Zofran?? We do not know.

Question; Is it safe to eat shellfish during pregnancy? – This right here is solely an example of my point- the answer may sound something along the lines of this next part… “Just because I spent 10 years booting heroin into my veins does not mean I do not care. It does not mean I want to live a risky, unethical lifestyle. It does not mean I am no longer cautious. I still ask. I want to be informed. I was probably one of the most well-informed junkies back in the day.” – Say what you will.

Is heroine safe? No. That answer is simple. No, it was/is not safe, nor sanitary, for us to administer an I.V to ourselves, or others, in the Handicapped bathroom stall at our local Mcdonald’s. We know all of this. This is common sense. We did what we were always told not to do. We did what we saw, what we were shown. What we were around. What we thought felt good. We did it because it did feel good.

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Where did we all end up???

We ended up sick. Sick, confused, and in a type of pain that we did not yet understand.

Then we ended up waltzing into courthouses, these places we had never been, we walked through crowded rooms filled with judging eyes, down dark halls, and we even learned of outback basement EXIT doors that we had not known existed. “So that’s where the prisoners go”. We answered to complete strangers, people who we had never met, we answered to men and women in long black gowns who we quickly learned we were not allowed to talk to.

Then we went to hospitals. Through Emergency Room doors. Some of us got a ride in, while others desperately crawled. We were watched by more strangers, for 12 hours at a time. Laid up in our hospital beds, while our entire bodies were dying.

You sent us out with little brown paper lunch bags filled to the top with what you called comfort. You said see you in 2 weeks, be sure to attend all of our meets!

For me, that was it, I was gonna quit! We went home on our missions, took all the pills that you called comfort, 3xs a day, and we I felt the best feeling I we had ever felt. Except… wait, feeling? What do I feel?? – I woke up and had just been dead. – The feeling was the addicts little baby, jumping on her head –

Then some of us walked crawled into Detoxes, while others were literally dragged, sick surrounded by sick. We could never even remember the first few days. We had Detoxes stuffed with some kind of hope, hope we gave to one another. Hope that started with, well, since your here too I guess it isn’t that bad.. and ended with I’m clean and sober now can I have a job? I want to fix people like me… I’m cured! – — We were addictions Science experiments. We were Addictions Frog dissection. We did day programs, we went inpatient, we did everything we could think of to fix ourselves.

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Instead of applying to colleges or for jobs, we applied for halfway and Sober houses. We waited on lists, and even then we still had hope. List’s is that all we are to you?? Names on a list? Nothing more.

We heard the messages, we got the stories, we took it all in over, and over and over again. We knew the phrases and sayings off the top of our heads, we would even say them to our friends.

But it wasn’t over yet right? They said that relapsing is okay, that relapse is a part of our recovery.

So we did just that.

Then we walked were dragged back through those courtrooms, our names on more lists filled with names. Except for this time we were escorted in through that back, basement door. Held in those cold, dry, smelly spaces, awaiting our time to be judged. We were hauled into courtrooms filled with so many familiar and unfamiliar faces.

Then, You took our kids away. Our families were broken apart, split into pieces. Broken.

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Broken, some of us fought.

You gave us tasks that were damned near impossible. You wanted us to work full or part time, do the 12 steps, go to 4-5 NA or AA meetings a week, while taking anger management classes, parenting classes, and doing IOP ( intensive outpatint programs) 3 days a week!! You wanted us to have no contact with the people who had our kids, even if it was our mothers and fathers. You made us drop everything we were doing at any time, to have us come pee in a cup for you. You wanted us to be stable, with homes,and jobs and certificates, going to meetings, whilst practicing the 12 steps.

We were like monkeys in a cage. Like otters at the zoo. You told us what to do how to do it where to do it and when to do it without caring about us. About what we went through. You wanted us to do the impossible.

You dragged us through family courts, through criminal courts, and civil courts, all to make us pay. Justice. Justice?

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We went to Prisons, institutions, jails. ( familiar context?) We met many, many, faces and crimes we would never have thought. We saw things we had only seen in movies and on TV, never did we think we would see some of the things.

Then some of us got clean. Some of us are here. Some of us did the impossible and then some. Some of us are here, but we will never be OK.

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Some of us did not make it that far. Some of us had to say goodbye to each other, goodbye to the Earth, goodbye forever to our future. Some of us are no longer here.

More of us than not, are no longer on this plane.

We are in Jails. We are In Prisons, we are in Institutions, and we are dead. We are here too. We are here, and we’ve gone above and beyond proving ourselves capable. Proving ourselves to you. Proving that we deserve a say, We deserve the right to not be judged, an to be able to ask is it safe.

Because the last time we thought it was safe, when you wrote us those scripts for our broken bones, sports injuries, sprains, aches, etc – we believed you. And look where it got us??

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Y’all I don’t do political conversations or usually even anything close to a post like this…. I’m just feeling.

TODAY I’m Feeling stuck. Feeling disconnected. I don’t feel like I’m heading in any particular direction, good or bad. Just stuck. Still.

I’m unsure. I’m pissed. I don’t know. But I do have stuff I want to say. There is so much unsaid I need to say.

Ever craved to do something big? I say crave, because desire isn’t even a strong enough description of the feeling. You want it so bad , to do it so bad, yet your not even sure what it would be.

So I started watching the newly released Netflix series “Brand New Cherry Flavor” last night. Did anyone binge watch it already?? Anyone watching it yet? Had you heard of it? – Yeah??? No??? I didn’t think so either. It sounded wicked interesting, like something I could totally get right into, and not have to watch, rewatch, rewind, restart, and, or overthink too much. (Unfortunately for me, that happens more often than not) However, it didn’t take long for me to remember.

When I say remember, I mean like.. 2 1/2 episodes in, I was having some like, crazy a** Dejavu. No, not the kind where I literally remember it [it being certain events] happening before, but the kind that I literally remember seeing it [even if only in my imagination] happen before. I literally remembered some key points in this story like, the Plot of the story, the theme, the conflicts, I even remembered[or came up with ( thats where I’m at at this point)] some of the solutions that I thought may have happened in whichever version of the story that I remembered. [ saw, heard, watched, read..?]

Okay, This is kind of nuts, and this story has become super intense. I’m halfway through Episode 7; “Egg”, and thus far, not only am I incredibly impressed, but also I’m still pretty floored, perplexed by the memories that I have of this storyline. Still, I haven’t remembered when, where, or how I know/heard/saw this story, but I do know that I have. I must have. Right? I mean, this has been happening throughout the series!!! While watching both Episodes 6&7 it was kind of like, I knew what was going to happen, what was coming, before it happened, or like, as it was happening, ya know? That kind of Dejavu.

I’m convinced that I’ve seen this story with my own 2 eyes. I feel it. I know it. I’ve watched it play out before, in a movie, as a movie. Like, the ENTIRE plot. Either I’ve seen it before, or have heard this story. Maybe in school? I doubt it. Maybe we watched/read it in my Senior Cinematography class? Maybe it was a “GooseBumps” episode? Are you afraid of the Dark? no? I DON’T KNOW!?

Google did confirm that this Limited Netflix Series was released August 14th, 2021, and that it is based on the Novel ” Brand New Cherry Flavor”. Sooo it is definitely a book. I’ve definitely read it, and whenever it was that I did read it, the words must have been so perfectly descriptive, as while I watch this series, many, many scenes look EXACTLY like the scenes that I pictured while, “reading…” [[ whenever it was that I read the 1996 Novel ]]

( paid link )

If you have not yet seen, or are currently watching the Limited Netflix Series ” Brand New Cherry Flavor,” PROCEED WITH CAUTION – THERE MAY BE SOME SPOILER ALERTS!!!!

To Conclude; The Netflix Limited Series, ‘Brand New Cherry Flavor’ ; was a TOTAL WIN!! I’ve recommended it to multiple people already! I’d even allow my 13 y.o to watch it with me!!! A new All time favorite!!

xoxo T.Mom

If I kept track of every time I thought about someone…

Saturday August 21, 2021

10:56pm Sitting outside on my “stoop” aka … farmers… porch 🤣😂 – the air changes… the breeze feels stuffy, and all of a sudden it’s not.

I think of you…

I can’t tell you exactly why- it was just like one second you were there, the next you weren’t.

At first an indoor affair came to mind, something that happened in my adult years. Seconds later, a line or 2 into the song, you come to mind. Not the last version of you I saw. The high school, awkward, 8th grade you. Maybe this was a song we listened to together with friends or maybe on one of our blunt cruises..

Next up @ a little past 11pm, still on the same stoop..

I think of you

Not because this song has any consensual significance … but because I’ll never forget you rapping it… https://music.amazon.com/albums/B07V1PSR43?do=play&trackAsin=B07V49TMTN&ref=dm_sh_xxNipT4CFBBOnYFYIt0rHIb8gholy shit… is that The significance??? Is this the same “bands” song from while we were playing drinking games as kids ?

No. I’m wrong.

But at 11:19 …

“ girl run. Run like a track star if mooski ain’t say it better “ – I know booboo , I know coR. & I thank you

Or you’d say something like… ‘ ain’t ni key say it as good as so and so in his last and only hit wonder let me tell you.”

Let me tell you.

A boogie wit a hoodie said it correct when he said “There will never be another you

Always ALWAYS. Mentioning red light special , marvins room, confessions ( let’s say usher period)

“ cuz… let me tell you a little something about MY life a boogie wit a hoodie…

Our World is just a simulation?

Written as a thought august 21, 2021

Can you imagine that some little space alien child or man child are holding their version of an XBOX controller, controlling our every single move? Controlling everything we do, down to the clacking sounds I hear right now as I continue to type?

There is a theory that Our hardware runs solely on the speed of light?

I mean, it could totally make sense, right? This is something that I don’t understand.

Pain and Discomfort

Mostly a woman’s type of read – but only due to the TMI factors –

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You don’t ever truly know pain and discomfort until you actually face true pain and discomfort. Pain and discomfort that is nearly impossible to pin point on/ in the body. Pain and discomfort that makes you feel so wrong, like something is going on inside of you that you have absolutely no control over.

Pain and discomfort is something I thought I could say that I’ve experienced many times in my life, and I have, but there’s nothing like this sort of discomfort. Nothing that I can compare.

Discomfort in a place that, I’m not so sure I’ve ever really been completely comfortable in. Discomfort. Uncomfortable. Pain. Pressure. Pulling. Pushing. Falling. Heavy. Opening. Emptying. Filled. Full. Burning. Building. Releasing. Clenching. Pinching. BREATHE. The feelings I’m feeling inside of my discomfort. These words surround my discomfort, my every move, or lack thereof.

My last time in a Labor and Delivery Suite was the most traumatic experience I’d ever faced. I was induced, which was not something that was new on me, matter of fact, I’d been induced twice, before this 3rd time. This time was different though and that was something I knew all along. I knew this baby sat differently. She was not in position, ever, in fact, she was in the complete opposite position than she was supposed to be. I knew it, but he told me I was wrong. Even though I knew what I felt, I trusted this man. Unfortunately by the time this information comes to light, it is too late – 14 hours into the induction. Ready to push. Breech. Legs. Bruised. Meconium. Emergency. Adrenaline. Breech. Pain. O.R. oN call. What the hell is going on?! BREATHE.

Her legs came down where her head should be. She straddled the interior of my right hip as I laid in a puddle of my own amniotic fluid sobbing hysterically. I had clearly read and watched a little too much about labor and delivery, and about how Doctors prefer an emergency/ non urgent – C- sections rather than a vaginal.( see ” the business of being born“) ” I KNEW YOU WOULD TRY THIS!! I KNEW IT WOULD HAPPEN!!! ITS A CONSPIRACY!!” – okay, maybe that was a little dramatic, but I was definitely freaking out and refusing a C-section. No sooner did they rush in, load me up with fentanyl ( as I’d already gotten my half working epidural x’s3 ) – overdose me 3 times & hit me with adrenaline to counteract 3x’s – on the way to the O.R – . I felt like I was dying. BREATHE. I couldn’t breathe.

Hardly even a year later I noticed this constant feeling of heaviness inside of me. Almost like a SUPER heavy period was coming. It felt as though my insides were all gonna fall out. Literally. I go back to see my OBGYN, yes the one that induced me with a breech baby and after 14 hours of labor, he had left. Yes the same OBGYN I had been seeing since I was 14 years old. “Stage 1 PP” – you’ll be fine, nothing you can do really, it just happens with age anyways. ” He said what?! I did my own research into Pelvic Floor weakness, Pelvic Prolapse, the ins and outs, the types etc. This is when I discovered that I was not alone. It is actually super common in women who have had multiple children. There are some things you can do to feel better, one of them being PT.

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I found a PT nearby, made an appointment, went twice- then I moved, and couldn’t find a PT with later hours as I needed. So I went to the place where you can find every and anything you can POSSIBLY imagine; The internet. I found hundreds of videos on PP- PT, (Pelvic prolapse physical therapy), subscribed to you-tube channels, and followed my own little regimen. I have to point out, my favorite, my at the time savior, @Dr.BriRogen – FemFusion Fitness and Pelvic Health.

She saved me. Changed my life. I followed her regimens to the T, for over a year. I started with her 10-15 minute videos 1-2xs a day, and after about a month, I was doing 30 day Yoga challenges with Adriene, Pilates with this one, HIIT, with that one. I was feeling a sense of accomplishment. I was feeling, and looking my best.

Everything was Great. So great, that I forgot all about my little issue. So great that once I moved, I didn’t think I needed to continue pushing myself so hard, and slowly, I stopped everything all together.

Cut to – The Now. The discomfort. The pain.

Pelvic Floor weakness is the start, this is where you can manage and possibly even prevent any type of pelvic organ prolapse. They say Kegels, but in all honesty, from the mouth of my PT, Kegels can make some types of POP worsen!! Gently insert 1 finger, and proceed to do and hold a kegel for 5 seconds….. and release. When you released, could you feel yourself actually release completely? Or was it a slow, taut release? If its the latter, than that is what you need to work on. Releasing, slowly, while inhaling. Reflex for 5 seconds while exhaling hard. Inhale to slowly, and control-ably, release.

Today the pain and discomfort is back. It can no longer be compared too only a super heavy period. I cannot find the exact words to compare. I’m not sure I’ve ever experienced such an uncomfortable feeling, especially one that I can hardly place.

Here is about as close as I can get, at the moment. Ever had a UTI? Either a sense of urgency, or frequency? Or both? – Ever had a really really painful, uncomfortable period?? Where you can literally feel your walls shedding?? What about “vaginal candidiasis”? BV? Okay, if you’ve EVER had 2 or more of those mentioned above, whether you had them at the same time, or at completely separate times, you can remember somewhat what they felt like, right? Well here is my comparison, for now. Its like the beginning stages of labor, when you FIRST realize, “oh shit these are contractions” – mixed with that feeling you get, maybe more of a sensation , after spending days in a pool, in your bathing suit, realizing SHIT, here comes a yeast infection – all the while you’ve felt as though you’ve been unable to completely empty your bladder after every time you pee, therefore having a BAD U.T.I for over a week! All of those things at once is what I can compare this pain and discomfort to. Finally, when your at the GYNO, and they are inserting the speculum? That pressure? That pinch? That’s the feeling of discomfort while only sitting down.

Today is worse. Today my pain and discomfort is accompanied by chest pains, constant chest pain, on the right side, towards the middle. Plus my sides feel some sort of pain. I can’t place it. When i cannot place my pain, I’m afraid that it is because the pain is in/on/ surrounding an organ. Although, I’ve always had problems with heartburn and indigestion.

I’m falling apart.

I’m not even in my mid-thirties yet, and I’m falling apart.

I’m journal-ing this experience to follow. To remember or be remembered. To relate and be relatable. To hopefully help someone who is afraid, or uneducated. I am afraid right now, but I am also a very strong and have educated myself on the matter of Pelvic Floor Health. I will continue to do so. For me. For you. For my daughters. Granddaughters.

Yes being a woman can sometimes suck, but what I’ve failed to mention, is that this is not only a women’s problem. This is not something that you get only after having children. Infants can be diagnosed with this, as can women without children, as can men.

If you feel strongly about this subject, this post, or anything to do with POP ( pelvic organ prolapse) – Speak up! I welcome you to join us on our journey through understand Pelvic Health.

Celeste McKinnon

Celeste is a stay home mom and entrepreneur with a background in addiction, mental health, and psychology. She studies health topics to discuss, after thoroughly researching and or experiencing. She has 4 beautiful children whom are her entire world. She is actively trying to build on and leave a legacy in which all will remember her by. Her goal is helping other women that suffer the same challenges as herself.

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