Creating A Legacy That Want's to Be Left. Normalizing the things that no one wants to talk about.
Author Archives: The Truth Mommy Blog
Hey there! Welcome to The Truth, Love Mommy :] I'm Tmom- an entrepreneurial, mom of 4 , balancing life as a Mom, as a Human, my cleaning business, as well as my recovery & addictions. I'm here for fun; to learn, grow & most importantly, to tell the Truth; [the whole truth & nothing but the truth]. I've been told by many people that I need to start a blog, write a book, or even just a journal, that could one day be published. Throughout COVID, I began really questioning my place, my purpose, in this crazy chaotic World. I'd been a SAHM for close to 10 years, and really lost myself in it. (Which IS Okay) I began making things, creating things; like, personalized Tshirts, cups, tumblrs, decals, etc. in hopes to create a small business out of it. I even gave it a snazzy name, "For Cups Sakes". ( ahh yes Spoonerisms) It wasn't a very quick start up, therefore I turned to blogging / journaling. I want to show people real life stuff. I want to tell daily events in my eyes. I want more perspective, and interaction. I want to know my people, people with like interests and similar stories to share. So Lets hang out, chat, advise, and just "vibe" ;]. Lets share our stories and grow together. Let's be real, like, really real, not just for FB real. Help me on my Journey to Creating a Legacy that's worth Leaving.
If one of my ancestors who came and went long before I, were to stumble upon my journal, open it, and begin reading aloud a page at random… they would be enraptured by what was before them, the spelling, the terminology, the meaning and matters… that is… if they could read it…
” As I sit on my front porch rocker and rock, I impatiently await my door dashers arrival, as I cannot fathom smoking a cigarette in one hand, without a coffee in the other… *bing*, its my apple watch… ‘ you’re dasher is en route’ “
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What do you think they would make of that? Would they believe my ‘dasher’ to be my, courter? Or would they think I was speaking of some new form of travel, like a newly found reindeer that will pick me up? Would they think I was waiting and watching to catch the little thief down the street who seconds as a ding dong ditcher? What about my watch? My all knowing, fortune telling, shape of an apple, watch. I’m sure they’d probably think… lazy American!!! haha no but really.
Wouldn’t that be interesting?
*ancestor turns the page*
” I could still be sitting in my bed, binge watching the latest episodes of my favorite series, on Netflix or Hulu. I could be searching through amazon to find my next best new thing. Or watching the stock market to make sure my newest investment hasn’t completely sunken ship.”
Searching the amazon? Apple ,fortune telling, all knowing watch? Reindeer that deliver and talk? LAZY GIRL YOU NOT WOMAN!!!
I don’t even know if they’d make it a day in this time, just as I don’t know if I’d make it a day in their time. What do you think your ancestors would say? The ones you never knew. What do you think would be the MOST interesting, yet at the same time the most confusing, thing to them?
What about our lost loved ones? I don’t just mean an ancestor either, I mean friends, family, etc, loved ones we’ve lost. The ones who were here in our time. The ones who were seeing the world evolve. The ones who took their last breath far sooner than we would have liked, hoped.
What if you had 1 day with a lost one of your choice, but you couldn’t tell them that they had passed away? You had to go on as if it were a normal day, and they were still here in your life, today and always. It would be possible, because this is just a story...or a theory… so don’t worry about the details. Don’t even worry about, the living arrangements, how they got to you, or having to explain any of that to them, or having to catch them up on all the time they’ve missed. Forget that. As much as I would love to know all about heaven, I couldn’t ask. It wouldn’t be fair, or enough. Would it? When would it be enough? What would be enough?
How about a day with that ancestor who got their hands on your journal?? What if you could spend 24 hours with that ancestor that you’ve never met? What would you want to know? What would you want to show them?? I’m sure if your ancestor is George Washington or Good Ole Abe, they’d seize war on…. SOMEONE!! US??
I was just watching the movie ” RADIUM GIRLS”, A 2018 Film based on a true story, true events, from the 1920’s. That’s sort of why my mind came here. I’ve got to run out now though, but I do have more to say, on this. I’m intrigued.
So if your interested in the rest, or even if you just liked this post, leave a comment!! Please? Tell me what you think!! I want to interact with A real audience, A public audience. I want to bring in more opinions, facts, stories, theories, ETC!! I wrote more on this post, but I just took it away & saved as a draft for a rainy day!!! I’ll post more soon. Chat later 🙂
I want to rename my “from home company”. Currently I call it, ” For Cups Sakes”. Get it?
Well I don’t do JUST cups. I do shirts, bags, socks, I make beautiful glitter covered tumblrs , keychains, stickers, wall and window decals, outdoor decals, such as on a car, a business logo, I have my own designs I’ve created for bumpers. I do not like to use Vinyl, and when I do, I ONLY like/ prefer to use HTV. I mainly use a technique that I had only recently learned about, somehow.. I’m sure, if you’ve gotten yourself to this page, than I’m sure you’ve heard of, it’s called Sublimation. Its amazing.
THE POINT THOUGHHHH….
For cups sakes..? like, a censored version of for fucks sakes? Because, that, is just how I roll. So I started mix matching words, here’s what I got..
‘ I don’t give a shirt’
‘ what is this shirt?@! ? ‘
I noted a few names from Greek Mythology that’s definition’s really spoke to me… I really like the idea of having a goddess name represent me and my stuff, even if it doesn’t have much to do with said specific goddess.
Things that should come easy, should be easy enough, thataren’t. That don’t. Mental health? Self care? I forgot the importance.
Sometimes , a lot of times… i feel super useless at staying home. I cannot simply sit and play or run around playing pretend with my child all day, or I won’t get anything done around the house ( tried & true for over and throughout a decade , I swear 🤚🏻) I can’t sit on the computer / laptop/ phone, all day trying to work on / set up & market my business and blogs , putting all my energy into an entry, or a design, a project. Because I do that. And when I do, I feel as though I’ve wasted another day and another dollar. Literally. And I feel rushed and awful by dinner. I cannot run around the house cleaning up after my toddler, or my school age kids all day because I just DONT. Maybe I just don’t WANT to do that anymore… Or run around washing, drying, folding, putting away, all the laundry, dishes, work tools, project , etc. Cuz I don’t want to do that either ; even though I really really should –
I mainly walk around my house in in circles. Going from one thing to another, From creating a product and design to folding the mountain of laundry I’ve created. I go from building my site online, to playing store with my toddler. I go from vacuuming, to cleaning up a huge liquid spill, usually on a carpet in my living room, or all over a wall, and in all the hard to reach/ even harder to clean, cracks, crevices & corners. In between appliances, and down the sides of the oven.
I go from packing some products, listing them online, packing a shipment, and putting it all out there, to literally crawling around the living room floor with my toddler, a flashlight in one hand, and a grabber in the other, face pressed against the carpet , trying to reach all the toys that my toddler has lost in the depths of there whoever knows when, but now MUST have them. I smoke a cigarette ( I need to quit, I have the patches , I’m quitting.) – and while I’m smoking have to run in to help in the potty, change the channel, look at a block creation, or to just “ watch this”.
God there is just stuff everywhere. I just want to be “in the moment” with my toddler while I still can.
I want to be less impatient. Less rushed. More patient, more steady. Slow it down, but keep up.
I just want y’all to know- that today, I do not know how to get there. Not yet. But I’m working on it. I’m trying.
Bare with me.
I’m truly Sorry if you don’t like it, it’s only the truth. I’m trying to be the best mother, maybe I am then.
The 4 sets of completely different, 100% unique, gorgeous, soul reaching, all seeing eyes that I have watching me constantly, think that I am the best. …. Well, most of the time. My preteen who is going on 30, does but won’t admit it. She wants to hate me.Isn’t that what teenage girls eventually do?? Hate their moms for a minute?
Great. I cannot wait to go through that over and over and over again. What about boys?
Do boys always love their mamas? They say that- but it hasn’t rang true in my family. I have brothers. I’ve seen cycles, stages, phases… I’m terrified. 👀
No, but really though, my kids mostly think that I’m “da bomb dot com”. Yes, they for real say that. ✊🏻👊🏻🤞🏻
I just feel like I can do better. I want to do better. Of COURSE my kids will think that of me. I think I’d really have to be a MONSTER for them to think otherwise, right?
I don’t even want to deal right now- but I have to go take care of this.
I have to do all the things that I don’t want to do. I’m here. I am alive and well, and Im beyond blessed to have my super large, loving , happy, healthy family to take care of. It’s my why.
I wrote the title, ” Cheating”, at the top of this post a few seconds ago. I’m sure by the end, or maybe even halfway through, I’ll forget why, and change it. That is how my mind is working lately.
I cannot tell you why we as humans do this. I’ve heard lots of theories behind this, such as; people are meant to love, we were meant to procreate, our bodies have these extraordinary capabilities so we must use them, because of lonliness, bittness, anger, resentments, confusion, spite, hate, love, joy, for attention, to be the center of your own world, to be adored, admired, he / she was JUST THERE, I do not know, so and so made me feel special, we were on a break, we broke up the day before, its the father / mother of my children…. I mean… really, the list of “reasons, or excuses” , could go on and on endlessly. I think we just reach for absolutely anything at the moment of truth, any words that might make some type of sense to get us out of the situation we’ve created.
Are there statistics on cheating ?? I never thought to look before now honestly. I have never cared to know the numbers, or the professional theories or exact sciences behind cheating. They may call it chemical balances / imbalances of our brains, our bodies ph, our chemistry… again, I’ve never cared for scientific answers about cheaters. Everyone has their own beliefs / sayings/ phases / phrases/ LIFE. Whatever. My take away from a recent situation I encountered, is that, we all need to live and let live.
It’s like, when your a child, playing in the dark, and you don’t want to look into the mirror after saying her name 3 xs. That is how I’ve always felt about delving into the brain of a cheater. I don’t always want to know what makes me tick, but I almost always want to know what makes other people tick. Something strange / NOT COOL happened to me recently though. I was kind of unwillingly tossed into some else’s personal situation, (as an outsider), and I basically was able to see from the perspectives of all the active parties involved. I can almost always see from multiple or all perspectives of almost all situations. Hey now, just note; I did not want to be involved in this, mainly because I’m like, more than a decade older than these people, but also because one of the involved is a close part of my family. I’ll just leave that right there at that though.
I caught myself sticking up for the person who is mostly in the wrong ,- wait did I just do it again? Yep, the sentence right before the dash – …right there see?? "I was sticking up for the one MOSTLY in the wrong", but what is mostly? I mean, they are ALL wrong honestly, ( I only know this now, after having more years of experience than I wish I had in playing the same roles as them), but they do not yet know any of that. This is their first time, and I would like to hope, it will be their last time.
Of course, I would never tell someone that cheated, that what they did was not wrong, or that it was okay. I simply just asked ‘said cheater’, how they felt about what they did. I listened to their side, and I said something along the lines of, I know, I get it. That’s because, I do. I can see from all sides, mostly, as I said already. It saddens me to see this happening with such young children adults. Ones that I care a lot about. So now, I’m delving in with my eyes wide open, because I want to know if there really is any truth behind the ” statistics”, or if there is any real one, reason. I do not believe that every single person that has cheated wants to hurt the person they are cheating on. I think yes, that might happen often due to things like; revenge, spite, misunderstanding or lack of communication, plus a long list of other things that may include words like, narcissists. Just maybe they fell out of love and don’t know how to end things ( coward), or maybe their partner has stopped giving them ANY type of love, affection, connection, maybe even stopped communicating. That could be for sooo many reasons, I can’t even go on with the maybes, the mights, the could, should, woulds. Instead, I’m going in.
“It is estimated that if someone cheated before, there is a 350 percent chance that they will cheat again, compared to those who have never cheated. In the same study that states that cheaters will cheat again, they found that those who have been cheated on will most likely be cheated on again.” Secure Forensics blog
That is alarming, but there is more from the Secure Forensics Blog that could give any cheater knots in their belly.
I’m not too sure I believe all of these numbers. This is an excerpt, the first I found today, from secureforensics.com
– I have to add, that almost every piece of information I’ve found online, is dated 2019. Not that it was long ago or that the numbers could change much, but I would personally like to entertain some statistics from the start of COVID vs before covid.
Now back to the recent event, here is another side. First, lets make some names clear.
We have, ‘said cheater’, then there is the ‘ex’, and we’ll call the one who was cheated on, ‘CURRENT’. OK? Let’s try that.
Now, to perspective #2, the one I would like to someday understand much more than I do now. I will try and show you the many ways this ex will //can be seen.
(Aside from words like, homewrecker, Is there an actual word for the 3rd person? The one who may not have someone at home, so they are not cheating, but they do know that the person they are sleeping with is cheating on their partner at home? )
The ex’s side, the one who was enabling said cheater, to cheat. So, just try to follow along, and remember, this goes back a little over a year, when the ex, and the said cheater were still involved in their 2 year relationship.
EX recently posted videos of old pics & videos from their previous 2 year relationship with ‘ said cheater’ , this video was telling a very clear story. I saw clear as day that EX was showing social media a timeline, from when the 2 were happy, to not happy, to over, to sad, and then to “stronger and better“,. I see you. I got ya. SO, after being thrown around the grapevine of peoples phones in various surrounding towns, it finally got to CURRENT. After playing this video repeatedly, CURRENT “somehow” got hooked up in conversation with EX ( who mind you they have never gotten along even slightly), ended up meeting up, ( I always pulled this sort of nonsense) and together, they went through each others phones, all the texts, videos, calls, facetimes, messages, you name it, if they had something from said cheater, they showed it to each other. After their long drawn out, detailed, heart wrenching , spiteful little “get together,” / TEA TIME- the 2 took lots of selfies together, AND EVEN ONES with all of the ex’s, ( 3 ) and sent them to ‘said cheater.’ You go girl/girls!! AM I right? I mean, I am, I know I am because once again, I have done the exact same thing as’EX’, BUT, it actually isn’t technically right. How is it right for ‘EX’ to go behind ‘cheaters’ back after doing the cheating WITH ‘said cheater’? One could say, she did this out of pure jealousy and spite to ruin said cheaters life. Another could say, well, said cheater deserves it because they broke both Exes, & Currents, hearts. Do you think EX owed anything to CURRENT? I mean… I don’t owe that kind of information to anyone, anytime I’ve chosen to share that type of info, I end up the bad guy. So…. live and let live.
I DO believe that Current probably deserved to know what said cheater had done behind their back, especially if said cheater wanted to stay with CURRENT and work things out. However, I’m still not sure if I think EX should have done what they did, or not. I know personally, that being in the position of EX, it does nothing but cause more trouble, drama, and problems in EXs life. Especially if the “doting, fun loving”, couple ‘CURRENT’ and ‘CHEATER’ end up together again. Actually no, that isn’t when it’s the worst- the worst case / outcome for EX, would be if EX too, had their own relationship. Which they do not. So EX was not worried about any of their own consequences when they went and told CURRENT literally EVERY THING, every detail, everything, because, EX has no real consequences in this situation. I still don’t know if what EX did was morally correct. Well, I’ve come to find, that maybe, EX is more in the wrong than I thought.
Ex seems to be the one I can relate to the most, Ex is very much like me. I don’t like saying that, but it just might be true. Lets see.
I spent over an hour at a time, listening to both ‘EX’, and ‘said cheater’. Being there for both of them, separately. Unfortunately, I do not know CURRENT very well, nor have I wanted to. I guess I might be biased, but I still do not believe that CURRENT deserved to be cheated on. No one deserves that pain.
Well, that is true, but as the story went on, I learned more things, that I wish I didn’t know.
WHY DID THEY CALL ME?! Why involve me, very literally, yet not want me involved? Cheating is a bad place to go. Its not a good place to stay in either. Is once a cheater always a cheater really true?? I’m not sure I’ve ever seen otherwise. I do think that I believe they won’t be that way forever. But when is enough enough? How much hurt can a person spew to the ones they say they “love” in a lifetime? What will make them not do it again?? I think as humans, we tend to feel, and maybe even get, stuck.
Human nature; We do not like to accept that we will do or not do 1 thing for the rest of our lives. That may not make sense out-loud, but it can be compared to…. say, alcohol . An Alcoholic does NOT want to stop or struggles harder to stop drinking , AND NEVER DRINK ALCOHOL AGAIN until the day they die!! ya know maybe some DO though, because everyone is different, but I know that when someone tells me I have to do something and can only do that, or to stop doing something and I can never do it again, feel it again, for the rest of my life, I don’t want to do a damn thing they tell me!!
the kid needs dough dough’s so ill revisit this later i guess.
01.14.21 @ 9AM
Alright, SO here’s the thing. Not that I would say I invested way too much into the situation, BUT what I might say, is that yesterday, I did waste a lot of time, energy, & thoughts on this situation which is not of my own. Therefore, I can say with complete honesty, I was 100% Blind Sided by the situation about to ensue, a situation I have been over and done with for MONTHS. Not that it happened necessarily because of the whole, ‘ ex, said cheater & current’, situation, more likely because, that’s just the way it goes… isn’t it?
People from our past like to pop out at some of the most ironic of times. Isn’t it ironic?A littletoo ironic, I think.haha , I just had too.
I can see clearly now, why I was so mentally invested in getting to the bottom of this. So today, I’m trying to shift my focus. I’m done telling their story, however, I’m still trying to understand the WHY behind it all. Not just for the young trio I’ve mentioned above, but for every & anyone involved in one of these overly relatable, cliche, yet highly distasteful situations.
I’m taking a closer look at the, ‘cheater’ & the ‘EX’ , so to say.
I want to know why those 2 players do what they do.
How did they get to this point?
What was the cheaters intention going in?
What was the
Wow, I really dove into the rabbit hole of cheating over the last 2 days, boy oh boy I am not even sure how to decipher through the real and the not real, the opinions that I agree most with, the opinions I cannot even fathom. I’m trying here, I really am.
MICRO CHEATING??? welllll that’s a new word for me. Check out the link ^ attached ^ – I can’t even believe what I just read through!! There are so many ‘ chapters’ so to say, options, on that website! So many writers, bloggers, you-tubers, journalists, stay-at-home-parents, people just like ME, write about this!! Okay, I got you lets dive back into some words and numbers, and I’ll do my best at the end to put some organization/ order in place.
Rewire seems to have a super in depth article, I enjoyed reading through this article by Katie Moritz, actually. It may not be super relatable for all the young-ins, but for me, and probably anyone in long term relationships/ married, it is a good read. Here is the Headline..
If One of You Cheated, Is There Hope for Your Relationship?
As a general rule, micro-cheating is anything that’s more emotionally, physically, or sexually charged than what’s considered kosher in your relationship.Nov 25, 2019 –
Rather than copy/pasting the entire article here, I’ve gone through, pulled, copied,re-read, and pasted some of what I think is paramount information in the article. I’ve also cited each author, editor, quote, that is on here, as far as I know. The full article can be read Here- 9 FAQs full Article from HEALTHLINE.COM
What Exactly Is ‘Micro-Cheating’?
Sure, it’s easy to identify cheating when there’s genital licking/stroking/touching involved. But what about with things that are a little more subtle — like winking, under-the-table app swiping, or knee touching?
“It’s anything that could lead to full-blown cheating in the future.”
TAMMY SHAKLEE LGBTQ relationship expert and founder of H4M
Is this a new thing?Nope! Thanks to our new obsession with naming dating trends and tragedies, we just now have the language to call this behavior out.
Shaklee notes; the most common forms of micro-cheating involvetext messaging and social media (*cough* DM slides *cough*), so if micro-cheating seems more common than ever before, it’s because we’ve become increasingly Online.
Micro-cheating, doesn’t refer exclusively to emotional boundary crossing. It’s generally overinvesting time, energy, or head space in a person who isn’t your partner, says Shaklee.
The number one sign that you’re micro-cheating is prioritizing someone else — and their feelings, approval, or attention — over your partner.
“When something good happens, are you telling someone before you tell your partner?” asks Shaklee.
Are you experiencing less attention from, intimacy with, or excitement toward your partner than before? Your questionable behavior may be indicative of dissatisfaction within the current state of your relationship.
If so — and you think your relationship is worth salvaging — it’s time to work with your partner to fix that. If, however, there’s been a noticeable shift in your relationship that doesn’t feel amendable, the solution may be to breakup, says Shaklee.
Remember: Your feelings are valid. “If they blow you off saying ‘it’s no big deal,’ or make you feel needy or unreasonable, that’s a form of gaslighting,” says Engle. And that’s good reason to reconsider your relationship.
What counts as micro-cheating varies from relationship to relationship, depending on what’s been established as cheating. This is why creating emotional, physical, and sexual boundaries (and sooner rather than later!) is so important.
Gabrielle Kassel is a New York–based sex and wellness writer and CrossFit Level 1 Trainer. She’s become a morning person, tested over 200 vibrators, and eaten, drunk, and brushed with charcoal — all in the name of journalism. In her free time, she can be found reading self-help books and romance novels, bench-pressing, or pole dancing. Follow her on Instagram.
Last medically reviewed on November 25, 2019
“Last medically reviewed on..” ….. MEDICALLY???
Okay, I need a break from this world. I’ll be sure to follow up when I have my own conclusion to this. Be sure to subscribe to the blog to get updates on stories & follow ups!!
Hi, I’m The Truth Mommy!! I’m trying to get out there and be known for giving , “the truth about momming”, and everything else I know or can tell you. I’m currently working on/towards a book.. I’m Here to journal my good days and bad days and everything in between. Hey, don’t blame me if you don’t like it, I’m just telling it like it is. Telling it like it is, regardless of judgement. I am a recovering addict. My recovery Date is November 1- 2015. I didn’t do it without help, support, medical support, motivation, tears, sweat, pain, family support, and my amazing husband. For years I thought I had it under control, and could get or just stay better (whether ‘better’ meant my sobriety, or my mental health depended on the time) for, my kids. Always trying to fight, for my kids. Doing everything I could, everything I was supposed to do, to bring my family home. Get better for them all, never for myself. It never seemed to be enough, but that wasn’t the case- the case was, I just wasn’t afraid enough, it wasn’t real enough, I didn’t care about me, or what happened to me anymore. No one else did, why should I? The 2 men in my life (baby daddies if you will), that were supposed to be a part of my support system, part of my family, had completely destroyed my self esteem. They both took advantage of my vulnerability, they fed off of it. I would move mountains for both of them, I’d jump when they said jump. HELL They had my children, what was I supposed to do?? That my friends, is a story for a different post. Not today Satan. This post is about ME. I can’t won’t distract myself with that type of pain, going back to that will ruin more than my entire day. I live with so many resentments. I cannot even begin.
So, here is where this story really begins, this is going to lead me to where I am today. The day I woke up, totally Naked, alone, head hanging over one corner of my bed, not even aware of the date or time, SO confused, my house completely ransacked, all of my hidden belongings, including my rent money, drugs, and jewelry were GONE. My dresser COVERED in confectionery sugar. That was on Halloween, in 2015. Halloween is supposed to be a fun day, a special day, a day for trick or treating, dressing up silly, plowing candy, and it just so happens that it is one of my babies Birthday’s, 10/31. That was the day I knew I had had enough, I had to stop. I had to live. I was alive, and I had NO idea how. Eventually, that same day, I put the pieces together, looking through my phone, my laptop ( at the time my life line), making phone calls, frantically searching my house, wracking my brain. I remembered exactly what happened. I know exactly what happened. All I can say on here, with honesty, is that MY ANGEL was with me. He must have been because I was literally left in my apartment to die. People had been with me, people had used with me, and those same exact people had robbed me, and then left me. Those people, I grew up with. Those people, 1 of them, I had saved before with narcan. And they left me in my bed, thinking I was DEAD… to die. They were the ones who were always afraid and would run. At least 1 of them had been there for all 5 ODS that I had saved at my house. I never let or left anyone to die. F$#@ YOU for that. Later one that day, I got myself together, got myself “right”, and then made a bunch of important phone calls. I was retracing the steps I had taken the last time. The time I had 2 and a half fucking years of sobriety. The time I could say with what I thought to be my full honesty, I do not know how I EVER did that, I could NEVER EVER do it again. I could’ve sworn that I was afraid enough to never go back. That I had lost enough, to never want to go back. The 2.5 years had only come to an abrupt end earlier that year, I want to say May, is when I relapsed, but that wouldn’t be the full truth. I had relapsed long before I began using that way again. This time though, I was DONE. So here I am, more than 5 years sober. I won’t say I am cured, I will say, I wanted to live and be there for my children, and I AM.
I have more stories to tell than you could imagine. I’ve been to Prison, (not jail), multiple times, for petty things like probation violations etc. I’ll never forget how scared I was in the back of that van the very first time. My first 30 days. I never could have imaged how many more times I’d be in that same situation again, or that each stay would become longer and longer, and take more and more from me and my family. I had a baby in jail, and didn’t get to see my baby until a few months later. Can you imagine that? I held that baby for 2 days, no one was going to take that time from me, no matter how hard they tried. I am only human, not a monster. Humans should never treat others the way I was treated. Shackled to a bed being scorned and threatened for breast feeding my baby? It was inhumane.
If you’ve come this far, before you form any negative opinion of me personally, if that’s where your thoughts are, keep reading first, and you may just see things from a perspective you might think you’d never see, or even want to understand.
MIND YOU this; the day I was officially released , sometime in late November, My PO wanted me to go back to prison, she fought tooth and nail for me to finish up another 6 month bid, for NOTHING. Once my lawyer presented the LOADS and LOADS of paperwork she had accumulated and put together for my case; all of my negative tests, the meconium sample, and the inaccuracy proven of the quick cups they used, (the ONLY one that picked up a food grade of positive), once she finished her statement, The Judge, a different one from who sent me there, an understanding man with kind eyes, pretty much told my PO off, looked over to me, and with SUCH sincerity, apologized to me. he said I NEVER should have been forced to have my BABY in prison, and told my PO that holding me was completely inappropriate, and unnecessary , as I had IMMEDIATLY , willingly PAID FOR & took hair follicle test, multiple urine’s at multiple labs, and even the hospital records that showed my baby and I tested positive for NOTHING!!!!! OH AND!! This is great, my due date was 11/1/13, my one and only fail was on 10/12/13, I was sent back 10/18/13, ANDDD MY COURT DATE WAS 10/31/13 . So, yes, as you can probably imagine, at midnight on 10/31, I laid on my bottom bunk in my cell, praying to GOD to PLEASE not let me have this baby right then and there, PLEASE just get me to the courthouse tomorrow. 7 years later and I haven’t spoken of this, but I remember it all SO clearly right now, like it was MUCH more recently than that. I remember envisioning what would happen if I was in front of the judge and dramatically went into labor, or in the patty wagon on the long ride there. I was so afraid. I felt pain. Pain I did not remember, but yet I knew what was happening. So I started watching as the guards did their rounds… every 15 minutes. My contractions were 15 minutes apart. At 12:45, I gave in, while a C.O was rounding, I stood at my cell door’s tiny window waiting. When the flashlight hit my eyes, I said… ” ‘I’m in labor” , he replied, ” Are you pregnant?”, than, ” Are you sure its labor?”.
I spent 6 months in prison, pregnant. It was not my first rodeo BUT pregnant?? I went in February 23rd, and on April 20th, I was told I was pregnant. So that was fun.
After wrapping up those 6 months, I was released directly from there July 1, was out and happy , with a DCF worker and PO up my butt, I was doing everything right, everything they told me to do, I did it and more. Including calling a number for a color, ( pink), which was called for 2 random urine’s a week, AA/NA meetings, working on putting my family back together,and Let me just say – WE WERE KICKING ASS!! Hell we were on the road to getting our family back., AND add a 3rd addition. I’d been sober for 10 months, called my color super late one day as I was laying in bed stuffing my face with caramel apples and breakfast sandwiches. We had no car, but borrowed one, I did my thing, went to walk away and BAM I fail the quick cup. I seriously thought my PO was JOKING because we were just talking about how AMAZING everything was going!!
The following days and weeks were HORRIFIC. I was losing my mind. How the FUCK could this happen? How the FUCK did I fail this one urine? I went to the hospital and gave a supervised urine in the ER, and another an hour later at the lab. I even offered a hair follicle test in which my PO said I’d have to wait at least 7 days. So i did JUST that!! 8 days later, I went and paid $85 for a full panel hair follicle test. The results didn’t come in until I was gone, but it was ONLY the quick cup I failed. Anyways, after being tortured,tormented, and followed, by my PO with police, DCF, & just trying to prove myself innocent, for 2 weeks, I am sent back to prison, after I did everything possible to prove my innocence.
Listen, I’ve been pregnant multiple times, and not ONCE did I EVER use drugs while pregnant. NEVER. However, at my Wednesday night meeting, the night before that power monster of a day ,(10/12), I had devoured 3 everything bagels , and had 1 on the ride to do my urine. BRO, I WAS 8.5 MONTHS PREGNANT and HUNGRYYY!!! NOW LISTEN!! I WOULD NEVER EVER HAVE THOUGHT THAT what happened would happen!! I have always called it a myth, ALWAYS called bullshit on it. It was actually the lab tech that did my hair follicle test who offered this information to me. Poppy seeds. Yep mmmhmm I KNOW!!
My PO wouldn’t ever believe that, she didn’t. My counselor, my doctor and my pysche , all came up with that same answer, with no persuasion or even HINTS…… Poppy seeds. Food Grade levels can show up on lab tests, they are very VERY small numbers because the food has minute traces, a quick cup can pick up the food grade levels, HOWEVER, it can NOT decipher the actual level/ amount ingested.
TELL ME, how could that whole situation NOT HAVE fucked me up mentally?? How could it not have destroyed me and made me and angry, violent, mean person?
How am I not one big walking ball of HATRED?
Well, it did for a while, and I was for a bit. SO that was that.
Now, here I am today, with my family.. “Stronger than ever, Beating all the odds that have been against me. ” As I suppose they say. There are so many times I dwell on my past, and my present. I always wonder…
Yes, there was a time where I was a bit of a shitbag, & I was living a bad life… making bad choices. Yes I made the decision to use solely on my own at 19– I chose the places I went to and the people I hung out with. I made the decisions that I made on my own. I promise though, I never knew they would lead me to where I’ve been, and what I’ve gone though. I never knew I would become so addicted. I never knew that drugs would eventually destroy my life, yet leave me here to suffer. A lot of my most important friends and relationships, are dead. I’ve said goodbye to FAR too many people I love.
So theres that story. I’m ready to tell it and I want it to be heard, and known about. So share it. Tell me your thoughts. Does my story sound familiar, or are you reading this is complete awe, because you thought this sort of thing only happens on Netflix, HBO, only on TV. A lot of people may blame me, call me a terrible person, shame shame shame – but today, I can let that shit roll right off my shoulders. You could not walk a mile in my shoes at my age, and I probably couldn’t walk a mile in yours either.
Ive been sitting here browsing, searching, reading, skimming, falling into every internet rabbit hole I’ve come across, almost ALL day.
2 of the kids are doing their remote schooling online, the little one is building, destroying, rebuilding, shes in the family room letting her imagination run WILD! She asked to use my cloth measuring tape, so I let her, 10 minutes later, she walks in with her ankles tied together by the measuring tape, and stated that her “Best Friend” did this to her.” Hey, you go girl. She has been doing the best friend thing a lot lately, and believe it or not, i absolutely ADORE it! Her ‘best friend’ is not invisible, and her name is Lilliana. It all reminds me of my childhood imaginary best friend, Sandra ( SAUUN-DRA), who also is not invisible. At around 3-4 years old as well, I would come out of my room wearing a giant sun hat, my mothers matching heels, and a leather jacket and say something like… ” Lori, your daughter is not here right now, we are off to the beach and wanted to borrow some makeup before we go.” (eye roll / giggle) – I had quite the imagination.
My oldest child is in school. She does not live here, but comes on the weekends. She is about to be a teenager ( shes 12 now) , but in her mind, shes going on 30. I can’t with her. She was my best friend, by my side through everything as I entered adulthood, since I had her in my late teen years. Now, I’m lucky if she wants to see me or do anything with me. My mind keeps going back to when she was a baby. When she would sing and dance with me, when she thought I was the best and most amazing person in the entire world. I go back, and it kind of breaks my heart. I think I am supposed to take all the blame for what happened. I’m supposed to live with what I did for the rest of my life. I lost my children deep into my addiction, as I was struggling severely to climb out of it. I never got her back. Her dad would never fully give her back to me, and if I wanted ANYTHING at all, never mind anything extra, I would have to go to court, with her father and his attorneys, fighting tooth and nail to get even a 15 minute phone call 3xs a week. It was bad. Over the last few months, I’ve come to a conclusion, as I am tiered of fighting. That is, that I am done part time parenting. I told my ex that 2 days ago, as today is January 11th, 2021, and we’ve not seen her per her choice since December 20th 2020. We were all exposed to COVID right before Christmas. My mother had come over on that Saturday before, and Sunday morning her husband tested positive for covid, the next day she did to. So my plan of action was to keep my daughter here, quarentined, isolated, with all of us who were also exposed- her father had other plans for her. I think it was SICK, and spiteful. He made me bring her home, to her fathers home, where there is a 2 year old baby, him, and his wife. Why would he rather potentially expose his family to this, than allow her to stay isolated with us? I was even SICK AT THE TIME!!! Once she got home, her stepmother packed her a backpack of food/snacks/ essentials, gave her a bottle of disinfectant to spray every time she had to go to the bathroom or even open her bedroom door. She could not leave her room for 5 days!!!!! OK, there is something wrong with that. Am I wrong?? I am willing to look at things from various perspectives, and this situation, I am blinded by spite. So, I guess we will have to come back and reflect on this in the coming weeks. We shall see…
I have to take a ride to Walgreens, So this is it for now. Maybe I’ll add more later. I think im going to come home and work on my glitter tumblrs & sublimation station !! I can catch you all up on that soon!! I literally turned my EPSON WF printer, into a SUBLIMATION printer!
I know , I know. I’m so proud! Okay Ya’ll, have a wonderful MONDAYYY!! :]
It was not very hard for many of us to say goodbye to 2020. I know a handful of people, some who have not stayed up to watch the ball drop in decades, yet this year they had to. They had to literally watch 2020 leave, open the door for it, and SO excitedly WAVE GOODBYE to 2020 and hugely welcome in 2021. There were no such theatrics in my home, not by me anyways. I won’t be so excited like that until I can get out of this damn house!
Today is the 4th day of 2021; January 4th, 2021. The last time there was any type of uninterrupted normalcy around these parts, was in March of 2020. Yes, I know that Covidstarted long before the date of March 12th 2020, (the last normal school day for my children&I), but only then is when we were personally affected by the global pandemic. As far as I can tell you. It all sort of brings me back, back to 9-11-01. To this day I can still remember exactly where I was,( 7th grade), the classroom I was in, (History on the yellow team), the teachers NAME (Mr. Goodell), and all the rest of what went down on that horrific, nightmare of a day, in the United States. I remember by the time I got home, I was so afraid. We lived in Boston Ma, not in New York, so why was I so scared?
I remember those 2 days, better than any thing else I can remember from that long ago. However, this is much Larger. This is a global wide pandemic. I think of it is as the Plague of our time.
Another event that I can clearly remember, was in the 4th grade. I lived in Rhode Island that year and that year only, Lincoln RI. I do not remember anything about the school I was in, what the classsrooms looked like, or even what a normal day in my life was like back then, but I do remember the very serious bomb threat that my school received on one very disgustingly hot, humid day. The caller had said that there was X amount of bombs hidden throughout the schools. I remember the weather because the entire school had to evacuate the building, along with 2 or 3 other schools in the area. We stood outside in the humid air for HOURS, waiting for the bomb squad, and my at the time best friend Natasha, actually nearly fainted due to the humidity, but the nurse said she collapsed and called it a day. Thinking back on it, they were creating some type of distraction, or other, by not only confusing US KIDS, but also our parents, relatives, and anyone else, by holding us outside, yet not yet telling any families of the going ons yet, and later that day, once we were released ( I want to say it was approaching nightfall at that point), they sent us all on random routes on random buses and drove us around for another hour or 3, shuffling us all over. To say that My mother was PISSED, would be a large understatement. She had no idea where I was for the majority of the day! Does anyone else remember this?? That day was not anywhere near as scary, traumatic, threatening, dangerous ETC- as this, no, but it does put into perspective the things we may remember into adulthood, and how we perceive these events as children.
I am all my kids have during the long summer days. They do not have people who want to take them for exciting sleepovers, or to the zoo, the pool, The movies, The park, beaches , the aquarium, a lake, splash pads, indoor parks, museums, or to any water park . They have me , and they have Pat, who is only able to do these things on the weekends or on holidays with us, because someone has to work to provide for our family. Therefore, it’s all up to me.The entire summer is up to me.
It’s up to me to keep my cool, at home or at these places. It’s up to me to make sure all 3–5 bellies are fed & full at least 3 times a day & to make sure there’s enough snacks & drinks. packed when we’re going out. It’s up to me to make sure each child stays hydrated on the hot , humid, summer days, and even on the not so hot & humid ones. It’s up to me to rub sunscreen on 4–6 pairs of shoulders & all exposed skin, to spray bug spray on each child from head to toe. It’s up to me to keep my eyes focused on at least my 4 little people & to know where each one is at all times, to make sure they are safe, being safe, following the rules & not killing / hurting each other, or anyone else for that matter. It’s me that has to watch the cool tricks of my only boy while he’s in the pool, or on the monkey bars, at the same time I’m trying to watch the new discoveries of my oh so growing 5 year old, and the small jumps she can do that seem so enormous to her. Then there’s the big kid tricks that Hailee has to show me.. and she wants me to record every single attempt and every which way she can try. At the very same time as all of that, I have this little nugget who wants to be big, ( they all want to be so big), this little girl who wants to play with her siblings and do all the amazing, big things that they’re doing, without me at their side, holding their hands, without swimmies on their arms rubbing roughly on their skin. If she’s not doing that, she’s attached to my hip or chasing me around crying for me to pick her up. This beautiful little girl who understands SO much for being 2, but at the same time does not understand the whys, or the how’s. She wants to adventure on her own, and always at the worst times, and she is so innocent to the dangers of this world, so it’s up to me to keep her safe. To keep all of them safe.
I’m somehow supposed to split my focus and attention in 4–5 different ways no matter where we are, ESPECIALLY in a pool, or in a crowded place that has multiple exits.
It is up to me to make sure I get all kids home safely, to make sure each child is buckled properly and safely on the car rides to and from. It’s my job to lay down the rules before we get to where we’re going, each and every time, even though sometimes it seems a waste of breath, and I’m repeating and reminding these rules more often then not. It’s up to me to do the dishes after most meals, (if I don’t want to be eating with crusty utensils ) , to come up with or find, and cook those meals the kids will hopefully eat. It’s up to me to check on their cleaning habits, to vacuum up crumbs and to mop up spills, no matter how many times they’ve screamed ANTS!!To scrub the play- doh off the chairs , and savagely do the same to any carpet stains ( see; potty training). It is up to me to clean up the remnants of a wasteful experiment gone wrong, after she “already cleaned it all up”. It is me who separates the clothes, colors from whites. It is me who puts the clothes in the washer, the dryer, and then folds the 4 loads of laundry we’ve somehow accrued in a 24 hour time span. It is me who will sometimes leave it all in a giant, wrinkled pile on the couch for 2 days, so that I can take the kids outside for the day.It is me who makes sure all 6 of us has clean clothes to wear, bathing suits, towels, etc. It is mostly up to me to call bed time, every . single . night,my job to read to them, or to make sure that they have read for at least 15 minutes every night, to trust their word because I am just too exhausted to have them read chapters to me every single night. It’s my job to make sure what they’re watching is appropriate, and to catch them when they’re being sneaky and have their phones in bed. Also, it is very much up to me to remind my 2 oldest that when they have sleepovers, they NEED sleep. That it’s okay to stay up until 2–3am ONCE, maybe twice , but it is absolutely not something she can do every single night with or without a friend over. Why??Well it’s my job to explain WHY.Why what??Why EVERYTHING. Literally, everything, and if I’m not sure of the actual answer, it is up to me to come up with something believable and realistic quickly enough that they do not hear in my voice that I’m pulling these reasons out of thin air. There’s always a why. If I recorded my everyday life, I’m answering the question “why” at LEAST 100 times a day between each child & man child , and my reasonings are mostly, because I said so, and often made up , and a lot of the time, my oldest knows that, and the others are left to ponder.
I am the one who makes the plans. I call or text the other parents, RSVP to the birthday parties, make small talk with other parents, invite friends over. It is my job to keep food in the house, at the same rate as my 2 oldest & my man child , are mowing all the snacks, fruit and junk, healthy and not, usually in a matter of 2 days. It is my job to know sizes, likes and dislikes, to keep up with what’s “trending”, so I can continue to try to understand my daughter and her friends ( 3 times over).It is up to me to make sure these kids are safe on TikTok , Roblox , Snapchat , watch party, and whatever else my daughter is on. She shows her siblings, the apps and to my son, “ it’s so unfair” that she has a phone, is allowed to have these apps, can walk to the corner store with a friend, can stay up later than him…. nothing is fair, life isn’t fair & that is just NOT what he wants to hear. So when he storms off to his room and slams his bedroom door… it is up to me to go into his room at some point after allowing him to cool off, and it is up to me to take away the XBOX he was playing, when he was supposed to be in bed. It’s up to me to take away the privileges of games, phones & other electronics when they are abusing those privileges. I’m the good guy half the time, and the bad guy the other half.
It’s me who calms the screaming and crying, wipes the tears, cuddles my babies, settles the fights, plays pretend, separates the arguing before it gets too rough, handles the booboos of all sorts. I have to be tough, but I have to be loving & kind. I have to teach lessons, but I have to show love and understanding. I have to be their friend, but more importantly, their mother.
I am the worrier of all worries, the one who has to have things done the right way, the one who has to teach my kids right from wrong, and to be honest with them, even if it’s things I don’t always want to be honest about.
It is up to me to make sure 4–6 people are bathed, fed, brushed their teeth & flossed, and tucked into bed each and every night with kisses, hugs & a cup of water…. multiple.times.a.night.
I am the keeper of snacks, sunblock, bug spray, happiness, sadness, cuddles, waters, candy, love , meals, gifts, prizes, surprises, the party planner, cab driver, chef, tour guide, maid, day planner, keeper of appointments, photographer, hoarder of ridiculous artwork that means so little to most, but so much to me.I am their teacher, & with the help of Pat, I keep them busy, and happy , healthy and loved, I remind them of things from when they were babies, I show them pictures & take their pictures to capture the memories that will one day soon be forgotten about. I do all that I can to make lasting memories & keep my babies close. I try to teach them the value of family, and that we are all each other has, so that they grow up and lean into one another. I want them to know who was there, and who was not.
I want them to know the truth, and I want them to know how truly loved they are by us.
I do not want them to have such high expectations of our families outside of this house, but I do however want them to have high expectations and standards for their own families when they grow up.
I want my kids to be loved more by their families.
I am not a perfect mother or anywhere near a perfect person, and it has not always been this way.I am in recovery, and have struggled with my addiction on and off for 15 years. Pat and I fought long & hard to be where we are today, to be the parents we are today, and we wouldn’t change it for anything.
It takes a village, but our village is small, and most only come around at their own convenience. We don’t need them. I don’t need them. All I want is for my kids to know and see the love, and have memories with our families, like I did when I was little.
Its okay, they do not need that. They have us , and they have each other. They are not burdens, or problems, they aren’t baggage or trouble… they are beautiful little amazing children, who only want to love and be loved. They have SOO much love to give.
It would mean the world to them to have their whole big family present and involved in their lives & activities. They don’t need much to have the best day ever… just some 1 on 1 time & attention from a grandparent, aunt or uncle, or even just a friend.
I will say it again, they don’t need it. They don’t need forced love and affection, or fake smiles & pictures for their social media pages… they don’t need selfish people, or people who chose favorites. They don’t need your birthday gifts , or cards… they don’t need your bullshit phone calls every few months and bullshit promises. They need love.
I am all my kids have during these long summer days. There is no one claiming to take them here or there on this weekend, that weekend , this night or that night. There is no one offering to take 1 child for the day, or offering to help out by babysitting for a night so we can go out. We don’t need it.
We have each other, and my kids will grow up knowing how important that is, and they will be NOTHING like ANY of you.
This is the first post on my new blog. I’m just getting this new blog going, so stay tuned for more. Subscribe below to get notified when I post new updates.
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