When I Grow Up part 1

By: F-Mombie

 I’m trying to figure this all out. What am I going to be when I grow up?
I’ve been so many things in these 33 years . I’ve been a baby who needed to be constantly held and taken care of, I didn’t do much besides sleep, eat, cry, repeat. That lasted a short while.
Then I was a toddler, needing to be taught. Craving constant attention and always so curious. I began by crawling, then talking, walking, all the good stuff.
After that I was a kid. First I stayed home with mom and learned some more. I colored, and played out scenes with Barbie’s dolls and sculpted play doh. Soon enough, still a kid, I went to school and learned to spell and write for many many years as a kid. Throughout my teenage years, I was still considered a kid. I did more though. I was much much more dependent, and no longer needed constant attention as I had for many years before.
Eventually , I was a driver. It wasn’t my job, but I did it like it was.
My first real job and my first real relationship happened simultaneously. My first job was at my local mall. I was an Ice cream Scooper at Friendly’s. I was 15. My first real boyfriend was my “friends” bf first & I really wasn’t even interested and he really wanted her to go away.

Next I was 17,and I was a coffee maker. I got a job at a nearby Dunkin’ Donuts , and worked my way to shift leader. I wasn’t sure if I liked the fit. I wasn’t sure I liked my position, on the other side of the counter, dealing so directly with the public at such a fast pace. Handling their money, and their liquid Gold. I did not know the importance of caffeine to a person at that time. I did not know that I was directly making and providing people with the actual thing that keeps / gets them going.
At 15/16, I wasn’t sure of anything quite yet, so anytime a friend needed a job, I without a doubt got them one.
I had no idea the kind of trouble it was going to get me intomore than once.
I was now a high school graduate and practically a housewife.
2 years into working behind the counter, handing people their fuel, their liquid gold, I became a teen mom. My body was trying to become a mother .
For a period of time and Simultaneously with the fore mentioned, I was a thief. Not a real thief, I wouldn’t even say it, but I mean, I stole by allowing my school friend employees to tempt and teach me with the help of my “friends”.
To “under-ring”; a thing I literally could not understand. I personally couldn’t wrap my brain around the how. So, I let helped them do it, and was rewarded with half at the end of those shifts, at my first 2 jobs.
I became an accused. Accused for stealing money? That was so not me.
I didn’t realize… that’s exactly what we were doing. I paid such little attention, that I didn’t realize one of my friends was actually stealing
from the box, right under my nose.
I told the truth, took responsibility for what I knew, and defended my “friend” to no end.
My first and second jobs both went the same, both ended for the same reasons. I knew I didn’t fit there, I needed to try something different.
At 19 I was a Customer Service Representative at a call center. I spent 9+ hours a day making and taking calls that had to do with Medicare’s A, B,& C, memorizing rebuttals and loopholes. This was my calling, pun intended.
You’d think By 21, one would be a grown up, and I really truly thought I was. I was finally back in school for a career & thought I had it all figured out. Instead, I was even more confused than before. Being confused really isn’t a bad thing, until it is.
Continue reading “When I Grow Up part 1”

Racing

by: Tmommy

Racing random ridiculous thoughts running ramped through my head.

Racing random ridiculous thoughts run ramped in circles through my mind while I close my eyes.

Words like years, time, baptism, heaven, solitude, leaving, mystery, horror, fear, lost, failing, work, school, dinner, money, taxes, sleep- De-Realization. I remember a time not long ago when I wasn’t always so anxious and worried.

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I don’t know. I don’t have the answers I need and it stresses me out.

De-Realization? What does DeRealization mean to you??

It makes me anxiuous, and makes me feel unbalanced, uneven, unreal.

Is it something the just happens with adults?? Or do Kids understand it too? What is “De-Realization” To you? In your own words?

I apologize ahead, as this template is giving me anxiety. This Format is incorrect. For now it will do.

I dont know if it comes with age or if it’s something thats been there all along, just under the surface… dormant. I dont know if its that, or if it comes with wisdom. I don’t know exactly what it is. Everything gives me anxiety. Everything.

Our horrible healthcare system

That song, “numb little bug”, is like the theme song. It’s what they want us all to be singing…

Our healthcare system has failed me, more times than I can count. Our justice system has failed me, as well, more than once. However, today-the healthcare system needs to be talked about. I don’t even think they know how bad they are. I know I’m not the only one, so come on!!? Why does this kind of sh?! still happen??

Later on, sometime soon.. I’m going to post about what happened to me this week. Why I felt targeted. It’s ridiculous, nonsense even. But it was able to ruin my entire day.

F. MomB
F. MomB

Heyy there, I’m FmomBiee! F – Mom-Biie … ya know? Like, Fbomb MomBie [ f bomb mom – zombie mom, it all just fits] pronounced – EFF-MOMB. – EE – my pen name, but I can be whoever you want me to be;]
Phew, now that that’s out of the way, I wanted to tell you a little bit about myself. As you know, I’m a mom , one who cusses a lot, a mom that can sometimes be compared to a zombie, a mom who cannot stand to get my fingernails dirty in the garden, or even in the kitchen even though those are 2 of my favorite places! Personally, I’m not very creative, so I like to stick to the step-by-step guides for most arts and crafts, and as far as DIY-ing?? pppffttt- Those thing’s never come out the way they are supposed to!! I am not filtered in public and I sure won’t be here on the wide world of webbed lies ;] -That’s just it though, we’re here to make , bring change, to bring Truth. In just a couple of clicks, The World Wide Web is right at the fingertips of our children. They ask Siri or Google a question, and it is instantly met with hundreds of thousands of “results” or, answers. Right ones, wrong ones, irrelevant ones, inappropriate ones, completely unrelated ones, the list goes on. We hope that we can be right there too, at the top of the results, (and not one of the top 4 useless ads), with the best, most accurate information.

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“My Season”

February & March used to be my all time favorite months, favorite seasons . If you’d have asked me 20 years ago, what time of year, or which season is my favorite? I’d have told you March. Fast forward 10 years & I’d have called it, ‘ my season.’

My season’s start and end date may or may not have always been the same, I can’t quite remember, but I do know that it would only slightly depend on the weather of that year. It generally falls somewhere between FebruaryMarch & April, sometimes May 😜. You’d have probably told me I was crazy if you heard me.



My season wasn’t really based on weather, at least not the way regular seasons are, but by Spirit, by Feeling, by the things I did and the people I saw. For years and years every time my Season came around, came a new group of friends to enjoy it with. Actually, and also for years and years, every time my season came back around, so would some of the same people. It was like, it was our season, our time we had for each other. ( or was it more like… we could only stand each other during these months? This amount of time? )

Of course, some of these people were Year rounders, and we’d venture out with our seasonal friends together, but the most important part is that this season always brought us a brandy new group of kick a$ people to go do some kick a$ $h!T with!!

I swear, I had always met the coolest people during my season. I had always had the Most fun I’d had all year, during my season. For years of my life, almost all of my teenager-hood. Not to say that I didn’t have fun, or that I never met new people during the rest of the year, and not to say I hated the rest of the year, because none of that is true. It just so happens, that I made some of the best memories of my life during my season. Because it was my season.

As a matter of fact, I met some of the most important people in my life, some of my favorite people, in the Summertime. I can still remember some of my favorite memories that took place during the summer, with some of the people that I’ll never ever forget.


I make my own seasons, and I love every single one of them, I’m just talking about this 1 specific season today because; as much as I loved it almost all my life, I now equally cannot stand it today. I don’t hate the memories or the friends or even the regrettable adventures, ( I don’t regret even the regrettable, not even for a moment, not even the ones in Randolph 😜 ) .

What I hate is , what it has taken from me.

A friend, an ex lover, 2 lovers, a best friend for life, a pregnancy, a partner in crime, a soulmate and time. That isn’t even the half of it, and I’m sure it’s not done yet.

I can’t say it has been all bad. I was given one of the most precious gift’s on this Earth in February 5 years ago. My LuLu❤️.

There are many many things, many times, many dates, many memories & many people, that I am grateful for and grateful to my season for. I am grateful, grateful for every experience I’ve ever had. Grateful that today is February 28th, 2022 and I’m here at home with my family. I’m not in jail, I’m not gone, I’m not using, I’m not in pain, I’m humble. I’m grateful to and for every day of life, but that is just not what this is about. This is about what I always thought was my time of year.

This is about why I stopped loving my season, the season of February, March and April (&sometimes May) as much as I did 10+ years ago.

I think there have been many of my seasons that have since passed without incident, but I also could be 100% wrong.

I’ve learned to take the good with the bad, to smile when I’m sad, to remember what I’ve got & to remember what I have.


So with that being said, here is what I remember.

February 2010.

The good : This was when my DH & I became us. ‘Twas a little messy at first, and it all started in a dark, cold basement, over a game of strip uno. We were both all over the place at that time, but that was okay, it worked at the time.

The bad: Well, for starters, I had just fully upgraded from pills to H the month before. I was drinking way to much ( which is nothing new). Clearly the two helped get me to this next memory. My first time in Prison. The first time I was wrongfully taken from my child, due to her fathers anger and spite. My first restraining order, a random crazy, party that I crashed, and a *67 prank phone call that I never should have made.

2012 just wasn’t the greatest year all around. i cannot remember anything specific of that atm, but I’m sure I will later when I’m much less distracted. – I just remembered as I was typing up 2013. February 2012 I had relapsed. It was when DCF came along. They intended to take my children away, but they didn’t until that May. 2012 was a really bad time for me all around.

January & February 2013 . Let’s start with New Years Eve. My DH & I had spent the entire month of December in what felt like a dream. We nodded through Christmas and that was when and why I made the decision that brought me to NYE. I made a promise and I kept it… at least for the time. NYE we got high for what I said would be my last time as he drove me to HighPoint, a place that I had often frequented in my many attempts at getting clean. I made it! I did it! I got through Detox& spent the rest of the month next door awaiting a bed at a halfway house. I was really doing it this time! The farthest I had ever gotten. I had a blast in there with the same group of people for a month. We were the “cool kids”, the ones who’d go on to the places & the ones who’d make it. I made it to the island. I was there a month, until someone got drugs & I did NOT DO THEM– I was too busy sneaking in my script of suboxone. But still, she pointed the finger at me and I was kicked out. My season only got worse from there. It was bad. My DH had left & was running harder than he ever had.

When I told him I was home, he came home, and I went right back down with him. My probation officer was looking for me & we were sleeping in our abandoned Gym for 2 weeks. It was bad. When they finally came, they came rolling deep. 13 cop cars, 5 sherif / county cars – it was bad. It ended with me back in a prison cell. That was February 28th 2013.

I spent a month before ending up in the hole for 28 days , when I got out of the hole, they told me I was pregnant. I didn’t get out until June & that was the year I was sent back for a false positive urine & had my baby On Halloween 2013, from Prison. i didn’t get out until late November.

2013 was bad. But February 28th 2013 was my sober date.

February 2014. I suffered what was one of my closest losses at the time.

A love lost. Half a decade of memories taken away in the blink of an eye. Except for, it wasn’t. He wasn’t gone in the blink of an eye.

He was left. He was suffering. He was in and out, until he was just out. That was it. He was gone. And I’d never ever see him again. Every memory we made together, gone with him, only to stay in my mind alone. It feels like they were all just dreams.

It tore me apart at my core. My heart, my soul was crushed. I’d never felt anything like this and it didn’t look good on me.

2015 On February 28th 2015, I was working overnight and after 2 years of hard work, effort, sobriety, love & happiness , I relapsed. It wasn’t until May 15th that my DH took my children and left. It wasn’t until November 1st 2015 that I once again got sober. There were attempts, but none of them as sincere. I was getting my family back. I had done, lost, and given up, way too much at that point.

2016 January 1st my family came home. Except, our home was gone- I had lost it months before, but we needed a new start. Our new place was awful, and we stayed only a month before I realized the cockroaches. February 1st 2016 we were homeless. We stayed in a Motel in a nice area for 3 weeks until we decided to leave the state and head to family in NC. But that didn’t last more than a month & by April we were at my family home in New Hampshire & a month later, I found out I was pregnant again.

2017 January one of my Best friends passed away. One of my longest friends. One of my closest friends. She was gone, and would never get to meet my baby. We would never again play Scattegories or drinking games.

February 2017 I had my amazing little girl. My 4th amazing child, my 3rd perfect little girl. It was one of the best times of my adult life. A milestone for my family. Surrounded by family, living on 80 acres in the middle of nowhere, with our own farm and the closest Walmart a 45 minute drive. As great as it was and as wonderful as we had it there, we decided the kids needed more. I wasn’t able to see or speak to my oldest child, even with all my hundreds of attempts, daily voicemails & texts- as her father turned into the Devil , it had been a year , we needed to move closer. I couldn’t live happily any longer without my girl.

So we moved to the City, now a 40 minute ride rather than 3.5 hours, from my daughter.

Her dad put me through HELL, he made me take a, however many week DIVORCE CLASS ( we were never married) before I could even get a 15 minute phone call. I did what I had to do, and worked up to being back with my oldest daughter. I found out he got married – and once again, he was back on his spite trip, his power trip.

Tooth fairy Nonet

By a failing fairy

Being her is not much fun at all

Cannot run and can hardly crawl

Into their rooms while they sleep

Without making a peep

Underneath pillows

To find a tooth

drop money

Fairy

Tooth

– I’m no good at this part…

Wish my luck 🧚🏼‍♀️

Rating
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When I Write

I try to sound the same as I speak,
to make it feel like your next to me,
Go over every word that rhymes,
thinking about them, so much time 
again, at the screen, I stare,
eyes wide open, like a glare,
in my soul, can you see? 
get off topic again,
it won't be long now,
forgetting the thought,
i watch it pass
without a blink,
blank, I stare,
whispering,
random,
ryhming,
words,
Write.
blank screen of a laptop

Photo by MART PRODUCTION on Pexels.com

a double Nonet ;   9 lines , starting at 9, down to 1 - each line descending syllables - to have as many syllables as the number of the line.           

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Truth Mom
my

Truth Mommy is becoming more of an essence than it is a personality. It’s more of a central gathering place, than it is 1 single blogger. ‘ The Truth Mommy ‘ is even the founder of our website’s own personal Parenting Style!

Truth Mommy recruits like-minded moms of all backgrounds, to come share their stories, their truths, without Judgemental glares. To read our blog in hopes that you will find some supportive words.

Tmom is an entrepreneurial mother of many, with a passion for telling stories. ” I want to document these significant moments in your life so you’ll remember. Not only that but, for us!! For me and you and all the moms who may not have seen that yet, or hasn’t had to deal with that experience yet!

Mom’s, I want YOU to hear your voice!! I want to hear YOUR voice!! YOU HAVE A VOICE AND A CHOICE!!!

#TruthMommy hashtag Truth Mommy in any of your writing. Poems, Short stories, Letters, Memes, Quotes – I want to see it all!!!

Hash Tag TruthMommy to have your piece featured on our Blog Page!!!

Have something you want T.Mom to discuss on the podcast?

Use the hashtag #DearTMOMon Twitter or send message from the contact form below the page.

Rating: 4.5 out of 5.

By the time I was pregnant with my fourth child, Social Media Platforms were totally BOOMING!! You could find answers to any of your questions, on a Facebook group-thread rather than scrolling though the 100+ pages of results you’d get on Google. I wouldn’t say that I was tech illiterate, but I was pretty untrained when it came to all the new updates and new platforms. I had been living as far “off the grid” and “off-line” as I was able, so I didn’t have many friends at that point. I found a FaceBook Group, for women who were due around the same time as me and joined it. We became a tight knit community and I gained many friends from it, it was great! We were all going through the same things!! We did Secret Santa, sent Group Birthday Gifts, and watched each other through so much life, ultrasounds, gender reveals, weddings, braxton hicks contractions. We saw Birth stories, baby pictures and parent baby picture comparisons. We supported each other through some really heavy stuff, some really terrible and traumatic things happened to some amazing people. We were there for it. From pregnancy, til birth, I check on this page daily. Even after my child was born, I remained close with many of the moms. It was fantastic that I was able to be myself wholly, and I didn’t have to explain myself if I forgot to call or text back. I didn’t have to apologize for living my life. That is the essence of Truth Mommy. That is what I hope to give, share with mothers. There are no limitations- Got a story? Share it.. Looking for some supportive words? My hopes are that you will find them here.

— C.MOM

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New Old Mom

momet – a NONET by a mom

abandoned ancient antique architecture

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I still stand by all the things I’ve said,

When I started, I was new too.

Over time how far we’ve come,

many things I felt wrong

still remaining strong

not the same song

I’ve been long,

old mom,

gone.

NONET: 
     A Nonet is a 9-lined-Poem - A Poem with 9 lines.
Nonet Form :  Think about it this way;

9.
8.
7.
6.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1.
 This way, one can think, "each line has that many syllables." So line 9 has 9 syllables, line 8 has 8, line 7 has 7, line 6 has 6, line 5 has 5, line 4 has 4, line 3 has 3, line 2 has 2 & line 1 ends the nonet with 1 syllable.

 Nonet's can be an exciting way to spicen up your writing. Not only does writing this way give readers something intriguing and unique to interpert, but it also puts said writer in a complete different thinking space than the norm. It can help aleviate those mundane thoughts that one just can't put into the words, just by taking you away from them, even if only for a few moments. although it Definitely takes me more than a few moments to write a nonet.
   Writing in Nonet form takes the writer out of ordinary every day thoughts, and even if it doesn't do all that, it gives every day, ordinary thoughts going onto page.. more OOMPH!! An old, maybe sometimes forgotten, yet still so COOL OOMPH!!
 Here's an example of a thought turning into a quick little Nonet, and about how much time it took to think up.
(9:48am)  first thought-  I want to write about my relationship. 
too many syllables so let's make it the title ;] 
I want to write abo-ut my old-est.   
the first one to call me their mom
we may not al-ways be close
but my girl knows I'm here 
for her, for-ev-er
a promise sworn.
i got you
my love
True.   (10:09am) 




Rating

sleeplessness

It’s been a long day –
As a mom, I need to stay up,
As a human, I need to go to sleep,
I didn’t sleep last night,; I took three 2 minute long blinks… they both ended in a violent jolt- or a tiny twitch… I kept waking myself up. I desperately wanted sleep- but I couldn’t just lay there and close my eyes. There’s to much to do….


why does that happen at least 1 night a week??

Sometimes there are no long blinks at all…. Just sleeplessnesses,

Just getting up to pee, laying back down…. Waiting to hear the quiet footsteps of my tiny toddler.

Just laying.. hearing creaks, cracks, scratches & taps. I get up to smoke, but before I actually do it, I imagine myself doing it a dozen times or so.

I’m wasting time.

I recognize the pitter pattering of tiny feet as they slowly run across the carpeted floor to the staircase.

I don’t hear a sound for a moment, I look to my doorway and see the shadowy figure getting closer- and into my bed climbs my beautiful baby, for cuddles from mama.

Into my bed she climbs, and without a word gets under the blankets, and backs herself into my arms.

As a human, I should probably sleep,

Wake up

Wake up

Open my eyes & look around,

Stretch my arms & wiggle my toes –

Is there a child wedged between my husband & I? Or am I alone ?

Move the blankets & scroll through my phone,

Not looking in any specific direction, just clicking around …

before It’s time for me to put my feet on the ground

Wake up,

Not quite yet, give me time,

I wrote this piece this morning without trying to rhyme…

Hug my little, if she’s there & snug for a second, if we’re late, I don’t care

Because the moments are too small , and the stuff in the days are all too big ,

Time for mama to get up, and I go smoke a cig ,

Text my daughter an I love you & to have a good day –

And while dad got ready, he woke the kids up, but by this time of the morning, I still hear a little snoring…

I Wake them all up for a 2nd or 3rd time, then I let the chickens & ducks out of the coop & feed them , collect eggs & kindly thank them.

I come back inside and now my cat is meowing at me.

So I clean out his dish & refill both sides,

Get the girls in the shower, brush & style their hair – by now I’m cooking breakfast, but that occasion is rare –

Tell my son now to shower & to get himself dressed ,

I can hear Him ask Alexa the time, and now we’re all about to be stressed,

It’s usually around 8:07-8:08 , and if we don’t hurry up we are bound to be forever late.

Luckily the school day here doesn’t start til almost 9!! But if we walk in even a minute late, the tardy sheet I’ll need to sign.

I pack their lunches & add some awesome snacks, I sometimes write little love notes & hide them in their back packs.

By now I’ve said “Let’s go!” Probably 15 times, and on the way out, someone always must stop to feed the fish.

On the days we’re on time and definitely not going to be late, something chaotic happens, something always happens.

Last week we had an attack on our little backyard farm, a stupid fisher cat caused one of the Hens some serious harm.

It was quite traumatic on everyone including me, and my neighbor yelled out that she saw the whole thing!

Yesterday it was the fish tank,

As we walked out the door, my little one had to feed the fish, well we literally watched as our bala shark got stuck and nearly squished.

So my son stuck his hand arm to the bottom of the tank, grabbed the decoration piece& on the shark he began to gently yank..

After a long 10 minutes, he got the shark out & I was so proud of him & at school his story got him clout,

Now it’s 8:49 as we run out the door,

We all enter the school & I realize I didn’t get ready & probably look like a fool.

I sign the kids in & get back to the car,

My little one and I talk the whole ride to daycare , and when we get there she has a meltdown because me leaving isn’t fair.

So I have the ride home all to myself, and I listen to old and new music, as high as it goes …

I click through the stations to find the perfect songs & drown out the craziness in my head that’s always going on.

Today I’m home because I forgot to schedule myself work, and these days I feel wasted, I feel like a total jerk.

Get busy I think to myself as I pace through the house, I need to do something to feel accomplished,

I’m not always okay and it probably shows…

One night we have softball then dance at different times, the next it’s basketball & Girl Scouts, then baseball practice, and I honestly do love attending all of the games, even the early morning weekend ones, a different day for each sport,

So I stay doing nothing but binging Netflix shows.

Am I doing a good job at this mom thing?

Nobody knows.

What about as a person? Just me as myself? Any observations? Or just answers I could have?

These days are going by so fucking fast, I don’t know when it happened, what age was I at?

Like when did time turn into such a magical thing? Something that is so utterly beautiful & amazing to be a part of / to have, to hypothetically watch, or to just look at, it’s even better than how seeing a real life unicorn would probably be..

It just poof disappears. day after day, it’s the exact same thing, if life were a tik tok, I’d live it in 0.3x incase you were wondering .

But for real time, it’s special, it is precious and it is something to be cherished . The best that you can.

It’s something that now a’ days I’m wayy more grateful than ever to have.

After losing many friends to addiction, that fucking Beast.

Watching friend after friend lose their battle and go in Peace.

if I work that day I always feel like I’m wasting it anyway.

70,128 Hours Without You

70,128 hours. 96 months. 417,4 weeks. 2,922 days. 4207680.0 Minutes. 252460800 Seconds.

8 years?? 8 years…. 2 more children , 4 apartments, 2 houses, 3 states, 6 + Vehicles – hell that last one might be slightly off, but whose counting? Countless losses that I don’t even want to begin listing.. For our generation? …Generations? More than I can count in my head.

One full blown relapse. 4 revolving doors to familiar rehabs & a jagged edged 6 year recovery. [ no this isn’t the 12 days of Christmas Parody ] I should know what the day is. I’ve been waiting for it. Just as quickly as all the other dates that I thoughtlessly count down to come creeping up on me, my mind begins to shut it out. Trying to forget . Lizard brain? Monkey brain? Elephant brain?? Short Term Brain? Grief Brain? Trauma brain? That might take the cake, and even if some of those are not really a thing, it’s what I’m calling it these days.

That might be a part of the reason I didn’t realize it was “the date” today. Even as I wrote it down on the tardy sheet 2xs today, signing my kids in on the 3 minutes “late” mark, (happens more often than I’d like to admit). As many times as I had typed the date into a text message, or as many times as I swiped through my Phone’s Calendar trying to book client’s and schedule Doctors appointments non synchronously in the days before, leading up to today, knowing how close it was. I know what today is, and I knew it was coming.

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I’m still here, and it’s been 8 whole years since you have not been here. It’s been 8 whole years that I’ve dreaded what was once my favorite month.

I’ve outlived you. I’m a year older than you ever were.

How is that possible?

How has the world turned 8 whole times without you?

You were my first lesson in loss. Losing you, showed me what it feels like to lose someone you truly love, that deep kinda love that hurts your soul, even when it is good. It maybe even prepared me for what was yet to come.

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I’ve added Loss to the list of firsts. You were a repeat offender on my first’s list. Not things like, first kiss, first love, first time, first boyfriend… no not those kind of first’s.

First Love & Friend Loss. You were the first Friend I ever lost, and the first Love I ever lost.

First Aff….

Let’s put a pin in that & save that list for another day.

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The first time I ever loved someone so much and had them so fucking Rudely and abruptly taken away from this Plane. I had no idea. I texted you, called you, left voicemails & joked.. asking you to resend that picture… the new Rock??

I knew you’d never willingly leave without notice. That you wouldn’t make plans for Saturday if you knew it wasn’t going to come.

I knew you.

I knew you even if for only 8 years.

We had gone through so much in such a short time, and even though we were not together, I knew you still had that love for me.

I don’t even completely understand how you’ve been gone for the same amount of years as I knew you.

If I’m a year older than you ever got to be, am I older than you now? Are you forever 31?

I love you pxs3, the best friend I’d ever have, the only male version of myself I could ever love.

I’ll never forget our last conversation, just the day before, and will forever ask myself the same questions. Did you know? Were you trying to tell me something? Were you saying Goodbye, See you there? Or was the universe trying to tell me?

We talked about the Devils Throne,& how we’d take it over.. You & I. Promoted ‘King & Queen’ of a world we don’t know exists.

I remember exactly where I was driving at that exact moment. Passing DW Park, sitting at the light, Park to my right.

Smiling ear to ear listening to you talk, laughing together, joking about our happily ever afters. The conversation hadn’t started that way, no not at all even close. When I answered that very last phone call, you were crying... sniffling. Longing to be with your sons for the weekend, even if just for the day. You explained what was happening and how it mimicked what had happened some years before. You told me you couldn’t go through this again. You told me how Evil she was, and warned me to stay away from her cousin. I wish I had have listened…

I Promised you I would be there for you whenever I could, I swore I’d do anything I was able for you, whenever my relationship with your ex best friend allowed. I told you we were fixing things, we had 2 toddlers & a new baby and things at home had just started getting better. I worked my ass off to get to where I was, and I said you could too… but none of that means we cant still be friends. No, We WILL be friends I swore to you, and I would tell him this weekend how I’m going to be there for you. He won’t mind, I promised.

I’m Sorry for missing those calls that night. I’m sorry I didn’t check sooner.

We are unstoppable, & no one can keep us apart, not even the Devil himself. No, we could and would overthrow him.

You were finally Free. For the first time in years, we were Free Simultaneously.

I had been waiting for this for years. Literally. I wanted to be there for you, with you, and this was it. So why? Why did You have to leave? You were once so strong, not only in the physical sense, but mental too.

I wish I could play every single one of our memories on a projector, they were literally some of the most critical times of my life.

I’d have followed you to the end of the world had time allowed. Where Would we be today?

Where are you today? Do you forgive me? Are You Proud?

I gave up everything for you.

#yourajerk

#kingandqueenoftheunderworld

#myfavoriteperson

#firstofmanyfirsts

#iseeyoueverywhere

#thanksforthememories

PS. It was 21 Guns… the Music Video that played on MTV all Summer long. That woke us up to flashing lights & a really aggressive beat Every single time, at 2 – 3 AM. The song that gave us a hangover.

Sources

Source: for converting years to hours, mins, secs, days, weeks, months https://calculat.io/date/converter/hours–8–years

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