Being in Recovery feels like someone took a Permanent Marker and drew all over your face and all over every important document with your name.
It feels like it’s a brand.
Sometimes.
Sometimes, in recovery- it feels as though things will never get better.
You might feel like your running up a hill– and every time you finally see the top, a big gust of fucks-with-your-life – blows you back to the bottom.
E v e r y time you feel hopeful; that gust blows you back to your place.
It can be sodefeating.
There are days where you might ask yourself, “ Why do I bother? Why am I here?”. Or maybe your stuck in the, “why me?” Phase, again.
Some days you might find yourself blankly staring at walls, as if your reading a cheat sheet for life. Really your just staring emptily.
Hungry for something more.. but afraid you’ll have to eat it.
That could mean so many things.
You could be so many things.
This is just another test.
Everything is just a test, how can’t we always see that??
It’s all about knowing the right answer. It’s not about learning no- more . We did plenty of that before.
It doesn’t always come right away, and sometimes you won’t even notice.
Little by little good things will happen, you have to pay attention.
You can behave and be clean, be sober and walk the straight and narrow – but if your not making moves, you are not going to move any differently than you were.
You might sit and binge Netflix, Hulu or prime, you might wake up everyday for breakfast and not commit a single crime- but if your avoiding the things you shouldn’t, than your only wasting your own precious time.
I can say this because I know it, because I do it myself all the time.
And I “beat myself up” , while I’m ignoring my phones chime.
Than I feel like I’m doing something, because I’m sitting here Writing, and I know that I can rhyme.
Any who; in recovery, life can be fine.
You were stuck in your ways that are hard to move on from .
It’s easy to change who you are when your doing nothing good and throwing your life away.
It’s not easy to change when you have to come back from that.
Did you know you’d never be able to go back to who you were before??
People say it, and you hear it but what do they know?
You can do anything; be anyone you want.
Until you can’t. Until you won’t.
Climb the ladder, no matter how tall. Don’t even worry about every time you fall.
Sometimes life will surprise you, it happened to me today.
I was accepted by someone important who gave me a leadership place.
She looked at me, not past me – she gave me so much of her time.
I cannot explain the feeling I had. My heart was jumping; I felt A rush of sadness and with tears brought such a smile. A light.
A laugh.
It’s not always rainbows and mostly it’s clouds … but sometimes the sun is only just behind a tree – you just need to move a little more and get a better line of site.
Every night when I, my body falls into sleep, across the country I’m just waking up in my alternate body.
When they’re putting us to bed at night, they tell us to have sweet “dreams”. They don’t tell us that we’re going into a whole new day somewhere else, as someone else.
That, when we’re just waking up in the morning in our home bodies, our alternates had just fallen into sleep.
DreamCatchers, those things are for our memory. They are meant to trap our other-worldly, or across- the worldly, memories, it’s a fail safe to what is already a law. Storing, saving & filing all of our “lost time” and “dreams” into the sides of mountains, and the tops of trees where we could never ever find them.
Dear old me, if I could come to you in a Dream, or send a letter to the past, this is what I’d say…
If only I could have come to you. Like they do in the movies… from the future. Things would be different. Maybe I’d we’d be happy.
Maybe I could’ve prevented a lot of heartache, pain, & suffering.
I’d have told you that you look beautiful. All the time. I’d have told you that you cannot depend on anyone – ever. Except for you.
You can’t wait around expecting everyone else to take care of you. Even if they do. You still have to have the ability to do things yourself and foryourself.
Trying your hardest isn’t for anyone else- in the moment, yeah maybe- but in the long run, it’s all for you.
It’s you your proving yourself to. It’s you that wants to see you do great things. It’s you that wants you to achieve great things and become great things… & it is You who should learn from your mistakes.
In the long run, the only person rooting for you is you. Yea you might have your own personal Cheerleaders cheering you on, but they don’t can’t care as much as youdo, about you.
I’d have told you that it really doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks. It REALLY DOES NOT!!! I would Even pinky swear it & Seal it with a Kiss.
I’d have agreed that yes, self affirmations do seem and sound silly; like a silly thing to do, and that your metabolism is even sillier – but to believe in both.
I’d have told you to Enjoy your young body while you have it, and to have it for as long as you can- I’d have told you that it really is Your Sacred Space- that way you could enjoy every stage that follows youth.
That way you didn’t hold onto things with such a death-like grip.
That way, it was easier for you to move on.
That way, letting go and moving on don’t become the most impossible, Soul crushing , Feats that never fail to break you from the very core of your spirit.
I’d have told you to believe them. Believe every compliment you’ll ever receive – Even if you don’t believe the person giving it.
I’d have told you to Always beLoyal, especially to yourself. That way, when someone else truly deserves your loyalty, you’ll give it without a second thought. Like Second Nature.
That way, you aren’t too busy being loyal to the ones who aren’t loyal to you. That way, you don’t spend half of your life questioning why someone is loyal to you. That way, you don’t break your heart, and a heart that isn’t yours.
I’d tell you to always Cherish the people who have your back. Even if they don’t always have it. Cherishthem,but do not come to Rely on them.
I’d tell you that you are Worthy and Deserving of love, happiness, and all things good,but that life isn’t alwaysjustthose things.
I’d tell you that in order to matter you have to make a difference, and in order to make a difference, you have to matter. Or at least it will feel that way.
I’d tell You to sprinkle bits and pieces of you, everywhere you go. Leaving parts of you behind. In the places that need you.In the places you’ll matter.
I’d tell you that your going to want to leave behind a Legacy bigger than anything you’d ever do.
So I’d ask you if you could please start working on that now.
I’d tell you that, the way things are going now, by the time you turn 30, you’ll feel empty- Even filled with all that you’ll know. You’ll feel bad. Like something is Missing. Dooomed. Afraid even.
It’s the year 2005 or 2006, the year you get your license. The month is ApriI. I think I was in 10th grade, driving a 1994 XL Fire Engine Red Chevy Blazer. I was not yet an experienced highway driver, so wherever I went, I went the back roads.
On this particular day it didn’t matter. The place I was going was all back roads. There was one way into town and one way out, and this was it. A Long, winding, curvy, strip of what felt like forever. Beautiful mansion like houses lined the road, and the smell, the sticky smell of the salt water clung to the hairs inside of my nose the way you would picture molecules and cells sticking together.
It was the same road I had traveled down many, many times throughout my youth with my parents to get to the Beach, but one of the first times I had driven it myself. And I wasn’t going to the Beach this time. I was going to a Women’s Health Clinic to be put on birth control, without my mother’s knowledge or consent. They had a little notebook, a journal, filled with “testimonials” from patients before us. Essentially, the ” Comment’s Section” of this particular Women’s health Clinic.
I’d brought my friend Leena with me for support, more of a celebratory support. Little did I know- I was going to need more than that, and a lot of it.
I peed in a little cup for what I believe now, was the first time I’d ever done so ( outside of when my mom would hold the cup for me at my annual physical with my pediatrician), sat back down in the waiting area with Leena, and began reading some journal entries.
After about 45 minutes, and a lot of whispering stares and side eyed glares, a woman opened her door and called out my name, ” Cori? Come on in.”
We spoke about the different types of birth control, my history ( which wasn’t much yet) and then she asked if I’d like for her to bring my support person in. That threw me way off, but I sort of chuckled it off and thought it’d give us a lot of laughing material for the ride home.
She opened her office door and called out, ” Leena, could you please come in and take a seat with us?” . A knot began g r o w i n g inside of my belly. My nerves were starting to catch up to me.
When my Best Friend entered the room, we locked eyes and nervously smiled at one another.
“What is going on?” I ask the, (lets call her “Doctor”) Doctor.
” Unfortunately Cori*, we can not give you a prescription of Birth Control today, but we can offer support-” Said Doctor, uneasily.
What?! What the hell do you mean??? What is wrong with me?? Is it an STD?! HERPES? HIV? AM I DYING?! – Were some of the first thoughts that went through my head, my best friend Leena, was thinking the same things. She was so afraid of what the next words would be, she visibly clenched her fists into the arms of the chair, on each side of her body.
” We can not give you a prescription for Birth Control today, because…. you are already Pregnant.”
Explosives going in all corners of my brain.
That’s. Not. Possible. ( not a statement taken lightly in such a situation).
I couldn’t imagine being PREGNANT!? I had just turned 16 years old.
NO!! This cannot be happening. I was t r y i n g to get AHEAD OF THIS!!
The first audible words out of my mouth were, ” Okay, Well… Soo what can you guys do for this? What can we do about this? I need to fix this and fast, and again, w i t h o u t my mother finding out…”
The only support offered to me by the lovely clinic, was a few brochures regarding adoption and teen pregnancy. They did not offer, provide, nor support a b o r t i o n.
When I walked out of the clinic, I took what felt like the first breath I had taken since Leena sat down in Doctor’s office with me.
My face stained in tears, I called my boyfriend Anthony.
When he answered, he already knew something was not right. See, usually I’d only call him over the 2-way Radio. So when the phone rang and he saw my name flash across the screen, his stomach bubbled.
On the ride home, I called my mom.
She could hardly understand the words coming out of my mouth, but she got the idea. ” Drop Leena off, and head home, I’ll be right over.”
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Cut to- It’s the second-to-maybe Third-to-Last Day of 10th Grade, June of 05/06, and I have an appointment scheduled for the following day. I’m sitting in Mrs. Lato’s Spanish class nauseous, a feeling I’d begun to get used to, and my teacher won’t let me go to the bathroom, a g a i n. I know my bathroom breaks were frequent, more frequent than normal- and they thought I was going to smoke cigarettes, ( something I did regularly in the school bathrooms). Over the last 3 months, my bathroom breaks had become even more frequent, and I was doing more than just s m o k i n g in the girls room.
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Even when I did go in there to smoke, I would throw up. E v e r y. s i n g l e. t i m e. I was SO frustrated. I had been trying to keep this secret for months, as one pregnant 10th grade teenager would do. It wasn’t that I couldn’t take the secret any longer, it was that I had to throw up, and did NOT want to do so in front of a room full of Juniors and Seniors, most of whom I was n o t friendly with.
I tried to cover all my bases. I asked if I could PLEASE run to the bathroom, THREE TIMES. In between my pleas, Mrs. Lato would throw in a wise remark. She thought it was funny. She wasn’t trying to be mean, no – she was just trying to get through her lesson. ” It’s the last week of school, cant you wait until the bell rings? Your not going to want to miss a thing in class today or tomorrow.”
“I’m not going to be here tomorrow or the next day. So May I Please run to the bathroom? It’s s e r i o u s. It’s a M e d i c a l condition. It’s a g i r l problem.”
Nothing. She ignored me each time.
I rose from my chair and exited the class room. Fuming. Actually, f u m i n g. This was the first time I felt my whole body heat up the way it did in response to my anger. I felt my skin turn flush. My neck, covered in blotches of red… embarrassment? Fear? No, Anger. Anger that looked like a bad allergic reaction.
I splashed my face with water, and looked at myself in the fun house like mirror that was mounted along the wall as you exited the bathroom. I wanted to wait for the bell to ring, but back then, the concept of time wasn’t what it is now. It lasted longer. One half hour felt more like One whole hour. Fifteen minutes was more like 45. So I waited for my face to cool down some, and I walked back to class.
Journey through the mind of our Mental Health Warrior’s and their Thoughts.
The first thought in a series of Thoughts, from the minds of our Mental Health Warrior’s, made into Poems.
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I spent half of my life wearing black on my toes and only black clothes -You’d have thought that maybe Death was a type of lifestyle, and one that I chose. With a ring in my nose I’d watch only Crime shows and listen to black crows. I’ve stuck straws up my nose and drank straight from the hose – and there was also a time I tried to make little girls’ bows, and design my own kinds of clothes – and although maybe nobody knows, My love, I tried to never oppose. I’ve lived where it snows and during a time where guys called ladies hos- and day after day, we continued to live, all while the things we love decompose. In the ground we are planted, and even still, nothing grows. Why couldn’t we grow the same way as a Rose? And Why when we’re pregnant, do they say our skin glows? The Baby is taking everything, except for your troubles and woes. So really, Truly, the answers nobody even knows. But we still continue on, alongside our friends and even our foes. Over and over, it’s just how it goes – and now my friends, this thought I will close. At the end of the day, some people think, ” This shit Really Blows”.
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The Truth, Mom
Blogger / Mental Health Advocate
Send me your thoughts, stories, poems & experiences. Let’s Travel the Road of Mental Health Healing Together.
We’ve all at least heard of the, “What to Expect When Your Expecting” book. If your a mom, than it’s more than likely that you’ve even read a few of the What to Expect, Brand Books. For those of you who have not, your welcome.
What to expect is a well known, trusted and loved series/Brand. It’s an informative, cheat sheet to all the things you should at least expect, when your expecting a child.
Most Urodynamic tests are to check how well your bladder can hold and empty urine. Hense the name, “Bladder Function Test”. It sounds like exactly what it is.
In the days Leading up to this appointment, if you’ve gotten lucky enough to need one, you’ll be tracking your drinking habits, and your urination patterns, on a 10 paged, stapled together, “Journal”.
7 am - Drank 14 oz coffee - no leaking - no urgency - drinking fluids
740 am- Drank 3 oz water- 0 leaking- 0 urgency - drinking fluids
8am- peed - emptied bladder - 0 leaking - Urgency noted - urination w/out leakage w/ urgency
812am- peed - dripping - 1 leaking - 0 urgency - Jumping on trampoline, no urgency noted but slight leak
10am- Drank 24oz water - no leaking no urgency - drinking fluids
1145am- Drank 30 oz Juice - no leaking no urgency- Drinking Fluids
Your journal will start to look like that of the example I made above. Once you’ve completed, you should have at least 3-6 full pages ( 3-4 whole days), of your drinking, and bathroom habits. Fun!!
On the day of your appointment, 1 hour before arriving, your told to chug 32oz of water in a short time frame. Then, nothing more to drink for 1 hour.
I loved you the moment I met you, but I didn’t know what that would mean.
I loved you for a decade and had no idea the trouble that would bring.
I loved you even when I made you leave. I loved you even though you never came back. I loved you even though you MADE me stay away…. I loved you… or so you’d say.
You loved me when you called the cops, because i came around, you see, I thought you’d never dare be the one to burn me to the ground. I loved you when you lied to me, you’ve always fucking lied.
I loved you when I was just a girl, and you turning into man, you have to know how hard it was for me to understand. I wasn’t ready to be responsible. I didn’t even know how.
See no one ever taught me how to take care of myself, so when it was time I lost my mind, I spiraled off my shelf.
I’m broken , but Did I break you too? I didn’t know I had that power. See sometimes I think, that I came broken, or at least came to know it . See, I’m not sure if that’s really true, or if I could really try to remember when I Broke. What made me break. Could I map it out on a timeline ?
I’m trying to wrap my head around it – I’m trying really hard, because I need to know how long It’ll take to let go of the whole façade.
I’ve known you more than half of my life and more than half of that I’ve had to walk on egg shells- Don’t get me wrong, You were always a good chef, just never really learned how to properly clean up your mess. So on shells I’ve continued to step.
We use excuses, you use your lines, she knows one of us is the main reason that we lost so much of our time. One day she’ll make her own decisions, I sure hope she’ll make some improvisions. Not repeat my life like I did mine – I never believed mine, not even half the time.
This shit we did, it effected my whole life, who’d have thought it’d still be putting me through strife?
and when did I myself stop being a kid? I don’t remember what day it was, I don’t know what it was I did. What I did to stop being a kid, besides having myself my own little kid. I don’t know where it happened I don’t know why, All’s I do know is that time truly does fly. Where does it go, that time you ask? It follows you around, like the Ghost Of Christmas’ Past. I’ll end this here with this last thing, I know it’s gone, I know it happened, I know being a kid isn’t just something I imagined, I just don’t know the why’s or the how’s or the whens, I also don’t know how and when time ends. – “FmomB”
Cel
As I work on my book, I write peices here… food for my thought, as this writing stimulates the brain, and brings me back to where I need to remember.
She was about the same age as I, maybe a year younger, but I believe she too is an Aries, maybe. Another free spirited, stubborn spit-fireruled by Mars.
She always looked beautiful and always Carried the prettiest hair. She lived in a mansion, and they had a house on the water… she had an in-ground pool and always the most trending stuff to wear to school. She kept good grades and all of the teachers and all of the students loved her. I wasn’t jealous, because she was my friend. I truly didn’t realize the impact we had on one another back then.
I think we became friends either in gym class, a study, or detention… but we eventually started hanging out outside of school. I’d go over to her house where no one was home and we’d watch “ scary movie” and make prank calls on her home phone.
We’d lounge on the sectional eating snacks, having girl talk and just talking crap. We wanted to make a burn book, I believe she actually already had. Eventually we’d go to my house and hang out in my room. We had sleepovers locked in there for hours drinking, smoking, febreezing.
I introduced her to my friends and she came around a lot more. That was In high school.
I don’t think I even realized it, or maybe I just don’t remember, but we really were Best Friends, for a long period of time. She brought me to her parties, and introduced me to all of her friends& I brought her to all my parties & introduced her to all of mine.
They loved having her around, as did I. We went on the most crazy adventures every time we got high. We were pregnant together with our very first girls, we would stay up all night driving around stalking, and eating cheese curls.
You were a little extreme babe, I have to admit. But that was just you and we all loved you for it. A couple years in and each another kid, you loved farther away, and we drifted apart.
Not only that- that wasn’t just it. I was becoming a mess , spiraling, and there was nothing you ladies could do.
Another couple years and I hadn’t heard from you, but I bump into you at detox, who would’ve knew?
It happens again except this time in Jail, and we get out at the same time, and go back to hanging out like things were just fine. We started with pills, trading, scoring and selling, our lives already falling apart, so we kept rebelling.
Now I’d introduce you to my friends and my connects and you introduced me to yours – and I remember you taking off with a dealer… that’s when you got sores.
I remember this well, yet I remember it vaguely, but I still remember standing in your shower, 13 years old , us learning to douche.
We’ve both fallen to our knees, gotten up and tried again lost everything and everyone , given up on all of our dreams – we’ve both been hurt and been used, been loved and been bruised- we’ve both been thieving and we’ve both been grieving …. We’ve both cleaned up and we’ve both relapsed.
It’s been a long time now since I heard your name, or thought of you, and it’s sad.
You still have a chance at a beautiful life. You still have the chance to get away and make it all right. You still have a chance to get those beautiful kids, and creating the life that you always wanted to live in.
How is it true that the whole time I was watching you, you were watching me?
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