Thank you Love, for your time…

by: cel.mck #FmomB

I loved you the moment I met you, but I didn’t know what that would mean.

I loved you for a decade and had no idea the trouble that would bring.

I loved you even when I made you leave. I loved you even though you never came back. I loved you even though you MADE me stay away…. I loved you… or so you’d say.

You loved me when you called the cops, because i came around, you see, I thought you’d never dare be the one to burn me to the ground. I loved you when you lied to me, you’ve always fucking lied.

I loved you when I was just a girl, and you turning into man, you have to know how hard it was for me to understand. I wasn’t ready to be responsible. I didn’t even know how.

See no one ever taught me how to take care of myself, so when it was time I lost my mind, I spiraled off my shelf.

I’m broken , but Did I break you too? I didn’t know I had that power. See sometimes I think, that I came broken, or at least came to know it . See, I’m not sure if that’s really true, or if I could really try to remember when I Broke. What made me break. Could I map it out on a timeline ?

I’m trying to wrap my head around it – I’m trying really hard, because I need to know how long It’ll take to let go of the whole façade.

I’ve known you more than half of my life and more than half of that I’ve had to walk on egg shells- Don’t get me wrong, You were always a good chef, just never really learned how to properly clean up your mess. So on shells I’ve continued to step.

We use excuses, you use your lines, she knows one of us is the main reason that we lost so much of our time. One day she’ll make her own decisions, I sure hope she’ll make some improvisions. Not repeat my life like I did mine – I never believed mine, not even half the time.

This shit we did, it effected my whole life, who’d have thought it’d still be putting me through strife?

and when did I myself stop being a kid? I don’t remember what day it was, I don’t know what it was I did. What I did to stop being a kid, besides having myself my own little kid. I don’t know where it happened I don’t know why, All’s I do know is that time truly does fly. Where does it go, that time you ask? It follows you around, like the Ghost Of Christmas’ Past. I’ll end this here with this last thing, I know it’s gone, I know it happened, I know being a kid isn’t just something I imagined, I just don’t know the why’s or the how’s or the whens, I also don’t know how and when time ends. – “FmomB”

Cel

As I work on my book, I write peices here… food for my thought, as this writing stimulates the brain, and brings me back to where I need to remember.

    #time #kids #love #hate #passion #relationships #randomthoughts #memory #memories #remember #fmomb #truthmommy #friendships #life #lifequestions #wheredoestimego

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    The ‘no’ memories …

    Ever think of a memory… and while your thinking of it…. Your thinking, or saying out loud …, “ no, no, noopee…” ?

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    It can’t only be me.

    Are those the bad memories?? The ones our brains want us to forget altogether. The ones we do usually end up forgetting altogether .

    It’s like, even though it’s running through my head, maybe even … call it a flashback…. I do not want to think about it now or ever again.

    I never really thought of it that way.

    But thank you brain, for healing my heart ❣️

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      A thought for the day that I’m struggling with, that I’ve never looked at afar, from FmomB.. xO.

      She was trying to be cool like me, while I was trying to be cool like her.

      She was about the same age as I, maybe a year younger, but I believe she too is an Aries, maybe. Another free spirited, stubborn spit-fire ruled by Mars.

      She always looked beautiful and always Carried the prettiest hair. She lived in a mansion, and they had a house on the water… she had an in-ground pool and always the most trending stuff to wear to school. She kept good grades and all of the teachers and all of the students loved her. I wasn’t jealous, because she was my friend. I truly didn’t realize the impact we had on one another back then.

      I think we became friends either in gym class, a study, or detention… but we eventually started hanging out outside of school. I’d go over to her house where no one was home and we’d watch “ scary movie” and make prank calls on her home phone.

      We’d lounge on the sectional eating snacks, having girl talk and just talking crap. We wanted to make a burn book, I believe she actually already had. Eventually we’d go to my house and hang out in my room. We had sleepovers locked in there for hours drinking, smoking, febreezing.

      I introduced her to my friends and she came around a lot more. That was In high school.

      I don’t think I even realized it, or maybe I just don’t remember, but we really were Best Friends, for a long period of time. She brought me to her parties, and introduced me to all of her friends& I brought her to all my parties & introduced her to all of mine.

      They loved having her around, as did I. We went on the most crazy adventures every time we got high. We were pregnant together with our very first girls, we would stay up all night driving around stalking, and eating cheese curls.

      You were a little extreme babe, I have to admit. But that was just you and we all loved you for it. A couple years in and each another kid, you loved farther away, and we drifted apart.

      Not only that- that wasn’t just it. I was becoming a mess , spiraling, and there was nothing you ladies could do.

      Another couple years and I hadn’t heard from you, but I bump into you at detox, who would’ve knew?

      It happens again except this time in Jail, and we get out at the same time, and go back to hanging out like things were just fine. We started with pills, trading, scoring and selling, our lives already falling apart, so we kept rebelling.

      Now I’d introduce you to my friends and my connects and you introduced me to yours – and I remember you taking off with a dealer… that’s when you got sores.

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      I remember this well, yet I remember it vaguely, but I still remember standing in your shower, 13 years old , us learning to douche.

      We’ve both fallen to our knees, gotten up and tried again lost everything and everyone , given up on all of our dreams – we’ve both been hurt and been used, been loved and been bruised- we’ve both been thieving and we’ve both been grieving …. We’ve both cleaned up and we’ve both relapsed.

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      It’s been a long time now since I heard your name, or thought of you, and it’s sad.

      You still have a chance at a beautiful life. You still have the chance to get away and make it all right. You still have a chance to get those beautiful kids, and creating the life that you always wanted to live in.

      How is it true that the whole time I was watching you, you were watching me?

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      #2021 #bediscovered #brandnew #discover #education #followers #hero #new #zero #zerotohero addiction being a mom blog challenges children choices death discovery everyday life family fighter friends heaven journaling living the dream loss love mental health mom life moms motherhood netflix parenting poetry questions random real life recovery series thoughts truthmommy Uncategorized wedorecover wordpress zerotohero

        Home » 2022 » 07

        Introducing… Creative Gems

        Being you..

        Your Style, Your Perception Pt. 1

        “To express one’s truest self, we must first be one’s truest self”

         

          Painting our fingernails, Painting our toenails, clipping them short – making them long – keeping them neat, or not bothering at all.  Painting our eyelids & painting our faces. Inking our bodies, just on the surface – inking our bodies deeply with colors. Peircing new holes and making them shiney- covering up holes or trying to make them look tiny. Shaving our bodies- even underneath our clothes- gluing additional hair onto some places, and taking vitamins in hopes that more grows. Adding brighter colors, or just making it look lighter – adding darker colors, for the sake of “going dark”. Cutting it short – growing it long – Leaving it down, Putting it up. Removing skin we didn’t want there – Adding on skin because it’s not there. Wearing a watch, a bracelet rings, or an anklet- rings on your fingers & your face – studs and hoops in every space – Wearing no jewelry at all, Your own fashion statement. Lining our eyes, heavily with the darkest possible color – Using a light brown, lightly lining the lids. Mascara-covered eyes that really catch your attention – Long natural lashes enclosing big beautiful colored eyes that look like they are from a different dimension. Long thin and plucked eye brows with a natural-looking arch – dark eyebrows drawn on like a line, sharp like a shark. No eyebrows, room for creativity, draw your style right on your face.

        It’s how we speak. It’s what we see. How we see ourselves, how we want to see ourselves. How do we see others, and do we all really see the same? Not as far as how great our vision is, but what we actually visbily see when looking at something, someone. We perceive things we see the same. No? No, actually we don’t. We do not all look at something/ someone and see the same exact thing as one another.…. Do we???

        If we all saw , I meant looked at things and saw the same exact thing, disregarding the shaprness of the image, but just the image itself. Whatever is in front of our eyes, does it look the way it looks to me, to you?

         I took my nail polish off of all 20 nails for the first time in…. like, what feels like ever, a few weeks ago. I’m just now realizing that is partly why I am not feeling quite myself as of late. I wear Black. Black nails. Black eyelashes. Black liner. I am inked, both on the surface and deep in my skin. I am pierced, in many places and I like wearing hoops. I wear a watch and whenever I forget it at home, I feel naked. I wear rings on my fingers and sometimes on one toe, I have a favorite anklet that I love for show. I wear bracelets and Blush and I carry a large purse on 1 arm… not over my shoulders or across my chest, but you will never catch me out of the house in a dress. I don’t know why but when I look in the mirror I just don’t like to see myself in a dress, it doesn’t look right to me, but would it to you?

         Do we perceive things the same? How is what is directly in front of our eyes the exact same thing, looking exactly the same in both of our eyes, yet our perception can be so different?

           How does one of us see sunshine and the other see the clouds?

         How come if I say the glass is half full, you say it’s half empty? I mean, that is fine- but why is it at all?

         How can one of us look in the mirror and see beauty while the other sees ugly? Why?

          I’m not saying, either way, is wrong- I’m just questioning.

          Knowledge. That’s something we need to spread like butter. Spread it on me please ;]

        #hairbrush. #comb. #mousse. #Gel. #Extras Hold. #Level 10. #blowdryers. #Straightener. #FlatIron. #Mascara. #Eyeliner. #Blush. #Hoop #Earrings. #Brushes. #Loofas. #Eyelashes. #Magentic. #Beauty. #tattoos #tatted #heels #nailpolish. #nails.


        Photo by: @cottonbro on Pexel –


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