Wake up

Wake up

Open my eyes & look around,

Stretch my arms & wiggle my toes –

Is there a child wedged between my husband & I? Or am I alone ?

Move the blankets & scroll through my phone,

Not looking in any specific direction, just clicking around …

before It’s time for me to put my feet on the ground

Wake up,

Not quite yet, give me time,

I wrote this piece this morning without trying to rhyme…

Hug my little, if she’s there & snug for a second, if we’re late, I don’t care

Because the moments are too small , and the stuff in the days are all too big ,

Time for mama to get up, and I go smoke a cig ,

Text my daughter an I love you & to have a good day –

And while dad got ready, he woke the kids up, but by this time of the morning, I still hear a little snoring…

I Wake them all up for a 2nd or 3rd time, then I let the chickens & ducks out of the coop & feed them , collect eggs & kindly thank them.

I come back inside and now my cat is meowing at me.

So I clean out his dish & refill both sides,

Get the girls in the shower, brush & style their hair – by now I’m cooking breakfast, but that occasion is rare –

Tell my son now to shower & to get himself dressed ,

I can hear Him ask Alexa the time, and now we’re all about to be stressed,

It’s usually around 8:07-8:08 , and if we don’t hurry up we are bound to be forever late.

Luckily the school day here doesn’t start til almost 9!! But if we walk in even a minute late, the tardy sheet I’ll need to sign.

I pack their lunches & add some awesome snacks, I sometimes write little love notes & hide them in their back packs.

By now I’ve said “Let’s go!” Probably 15 times, and on the way out, someone always must stop to feed the fish.

On the days we’re on time and definitely not going to be late, something chaotic happens, something always happens.

Last week we had an attack on our little backyard farm, a stupid fisher cat caused one of the Hens some serious harm.

It was quite traumatic on everyone including me, and my neighbor yelled out that she saw the whole thing!

Yesterday it was the fish tank,

As we walked out the door, my little one had to feed the fish, well we literally watched as our bala shark got stuck and nearly squished.

So my son stuck his hand arm to the bottom of the tank, grabbed the decoration piece& on the shark he began to gently yank..

After a long 10 minutes, he got the shark out & I was so proud of him & at school his story got him clout,

Now it’s 8:49 as we run out the door,

We all enter the school & I realize I didn’t get ready & probably look like a fool.

I sign the kids in & get back to the car,

My little one and I talk the whole ride to daycare , and when we get there she has a meltdown because me leaving isn’t fair.

So I have the ride home all to myself, and I listen to old and new music, as high as it goes …

I click through the stations to find the perfect songs & drown out the craziness in my head that’s always going on.

Today I’m home because I forgot to schedule myself work, and these days I feel wasted, I feel like a total jerk.

Get busy I think to myself as I pace through the house, I need to do something to feel accomplished,

I’m not always okay and it probably shows…

One night we have softball then dance at different times, the next it’s basketball & Girl Scouts, then baseball practice, and I honestly do love attending all of the games, even the early morning weekend ones, a different day for each sport,

So I stay doing nothing but binging Netflix shows.

Am I doing a good job at this mom thing?

Nobody knows.

What about as a person? Just me as myself? Any observations? Or just answers I could have?

These days are going by so fucking fast, I don’t know when it happened, what age was I at?

Like when did time turn into such a magical thing? Something that is so utterly beautiful & amazing to be a part of / to have, to hypothetically watch, or to just look at, it’s even better than how seeing a real life unicorn would probably be..

It just poof disappears. day after day, it’s the exact same thing, if life were a tik tok, I’d live it in 0.3x incase you were wondering .

But for real time, it’s special, it is precious and it is something to be cherished . The best that you can.

It’s something that now a’ days I’m wayy more grateful than ever to have.

After losing many friends to addiction, that fucking Beast.

Watching friend after friend lose their battle and go in Peace.

if I work that day I always feel like I’m wasting it anyway.

70,128 Hours Without You

70,128 hours. 96 months. 417,4 weeks. 2,922 days. 4207680.0 Minutes. 252460800 Seconds.

8 years?? 8 years…. 2 more children , 4 apartments, 2 houses, 3 states, 6 + Vehicles – hell that last one might be slightly off, but whose counting? Countless losses that I don’t even want to begin listing.. For our generation? …Generations? More than I can count in my head.

One full blown relapse. 4 revolving doors to familiar rehabs & a jagged edged 6 year recovery. [ no this isn’t the 12 days of Christmas Parody ] I should know what the day is. I’ve been waiting for it. Just as quickly as all the other dates that I thoughtlessly count down to come creeping up on me, my mind begins to shut it out. Trying to forget . Lizard brain? Monkey brain? Elephant brain?? Short Term Brain? Grief Brain? Trauma brain? That might take the cake, and even if some of those are not really a thing, it’s what I’m calling it these days.

That might be a part of the reason I didn’t realize it was “the date” today. Even as I wrote it down on the tardy sheet 2xs today, signing my kids in on the 3 minutes “late” mark, (happens more often than I’d like to admit). As many times as I had typed the date into a text message, or as many times as I swiped through my Phone’s Calendar trying to book client’s and schedule Doctors appointments non synchronously in the days before, leading up to today, knowing how close it was. I know what today is, and I knew it was coming.

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I’m still here, and it’s been 8 whole years since you have not been here. It’s been 8 whole years that I’ve dreaded what was once my favorite month.

I’ve outlived you. I’m a year older than you ever were.

How is that possible?

How has the world turned 8 whole times without you?

You were my first lesson in loss. Losing you, showed me what it feels like to lose someone you truly love, that deep kinda love that hurts your soul, even when it is good. It maybe even prepared me for what was yet to come.

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I’ve added Loss to the list of firsts. You were a repeat offender on my first’s list. Not things like, first kiss, first love, first time, first boyfriend… no not those kind of first’s.

First Love & Friend Loss. You were the first Friend I ever lost, and the first Love I ever lost.

First Aff….

Let’s put a pin in that & save that list for another day.

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The first time I ever loved someone so much and had them so fucking Rudely and abruptly taken away from this Plane. I had no idea. I texted you, called you, left voicemails & joked.. asking you to resend that picture… the new Rock??

I knew you’d never willingly leave without notice. That you wouldn’t make plans for Saturday if you knew it wasn’t going to come.

I knew you.

I knew you even if for only 8 years.

We had gone through so much in such a short time, and even though we were not together, I knew you still had that love for me.

I don’t even completely understand how you’ve been gone for the same amount of years as I knew you.

If I’m a year older than you ever got to be, am I older than you now? Are you forever 31?

I love you pxs3, the best friend I’d ever have, the only male version of myself I could ever love.

I’ll never forget our last conversation, just the day before, and will forever ask myself the same questions. Did you know? Were you trying to tell me something? Were you saying Goodbye, See you there? Or was the universe trying to tell me?

We talked about the Devils Throne,& how we’d take it over.. You & I. Promoted ‘King & Queen’ of a world we don’t know exists.

I remember exactly where I was driving at that exact moment. Passing DW Park, sitting at the light, Park to my right.

Smiling ear to ear listening to you talk, laughing together, joking about our happily ever afters. The conversation hadn’t started that way, no not at all even close. When I answered that very last phone call, you were crying... sniffling. Longing to be with your sons for the weekend, even if just for the day. You explained what was happening and how it mimicked what had happened some years before. You told me you couldn’t go through this again. You told me how Evil she was, and warned me to stay away from her cousin. I wish I had have listened…

I Promised you I would be there for you whenever I could, I swore I’d do anything I was able for you, whenever my relationship with your ex best friend allowed. I told you we were fixing things, we had 2 toddlers & a new baby and things at home had just started getting better. I worked my ass off to get to where I was, and I said you could too… but none of that means we cant still be friends. No, We WILL be friends I swore to you, and I would tell him this weekend how I’m going to be there for you. He won’t mind, I promised.

I’m Sorry for missing those calls that night. I’m sorry I didn’t check sooner.

We are unstoppable, & no one can keep us apart, not even the Devil himself. No, we could and would overthrow him.

You were finally Free. For the first time in years, we were Free Simultaneously.

I had been waiting for this for years. Literally. I wanted to be there for you, with you, and this was it. So why? Why did You have to leave? You were once so strong, not only in the physical sense, but mental too.

I wish I could play every single one of our memories on a projector, they were literally some of the most critical times of my life.

I’d have followed you to the end of the world had time allowed. Where Would we be today?

Where are you today? Do you forgive me? Are You Proud?

I gave up everything for you.

#yourajerk

#kingandqueenoftheunderworld

#myfavoriteperson

#firstofmanyfirsts

#iseeyoueverywhere

#thanksforthememories

PS. It was 21 Guns… the Music Video that played on MTV all Summer long. That woke us up to flashing lights & a really aggressive beat Every single time, at 2 – 3 AM. The song that gave us a hangover.

Sources

Source: for converting years to hours, mins, secs, days, weeks, months https://calculat.io/date/converter/hours–8–years

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