Just a quick catch up… I forgot all about my Blogger.. I just read my old post’s from 2012, and wow how much things have changed in my life. For instance.. I have 3 children now, my eldest daughter is almost 7, My only son who is almost 4, & my 2nd daughter , who is almost 2. She was born on Halloween, while I was in MCI- Framingham.
Yup. False +Positive random urine w. my probation officer, Michelle Rawdon. It was Friday, October 4th when my color Pink was called. Thursday night P & I went to a meeting up the street @ the church in the basement… and I had brought an everything bagel w/ veggie cream cheese. Friday morning around 11am, I called P & asked him to either go to Stop & Shop & get me a caramel apple… or if his ride didn’t feel like waiting there.. to just go to Dunks drive thru & get me another Everything bagel w/ veggie cream cheese, again. ( this was a CONSTANT pregnancy craving ) So I ate it. Around 2pm I called the number to check on my color, & what do ya know… it was called. Of course it was. But what did I care? I was 8 mos preggo & 8mos sober! So, here we go… I am giant, spent the first 5 mos of my pregnancy in Prison already… found out I was preggo in there.. still fighting for the older two of my kids. Went 1 year without seeing my eldest because of programs , Prison & getting high. Getting off subject a little, these are all their own stories. So I say to Michelle, ” Should P stay here with my stuff? Or should I bring it with me?” She replies with the most PERFECT response possible… After doing random urine screens with this woman for almost 2 years… but having clean urines through my Pregnancy.. ” Take it with you cuz you won’t need to come back here unless you fail.” PERFECT!! So i say “yah like that would ever happen again.”
Here we are… in the bathroom, and I pee in a cup, hand it to Michelle & then washed my hands. As I was standing by the sink… Michelle says.. ” Oh my God,Cel it’s positive for Morphine.” I’m like… yah okay. LOL no way. ” No seriously Celeste, it’s positive..”
“Okay… well that’s clearly wrong” So I demand to take another, and she says.. that I can go to the new Lab that used to be SECON, but is now something new. I’m freaking out. whatever.. I’m sober. I did all that I could.
The urine at the lab was supposed to be the kind that gets sent out to another professional head lab, but it was only a dipstick… it was not professionally tested, nor was the quick cup at court. I know my rights, I know that I need a laboratory tested urine, ( to prove that the positive was in fact only a food grade level, therefore a false positive.)
So I call my therapist & my CSP worker Peg & ask WTF happened… WTF should I do? We drive straight to their office … and the 4 of us sit around a large table talking & try to figure out what could have happened.
We come up with almost nothing. The 2 professionals ask us a series of questions, particularly nagging on what I had been eating in the last 12-24 hours. As I’m answering the questions it hits me. But no, that’s a Myth!! I won’t even say the words out loud. No one would EVER believe those words coming from my mouth. As I’m thinking these thoughts, the other 3 stare at me blankly. “ Wait what?” I ask. I was too involved in the racing thoughts in my head to hear the ongoing discussion happening right in front of me … “ Poppy seeds!! Poppy seeds from the bagels!!” She says in shock. My jaw must’ve dropped. I reply, “ that’s a myth though…” and no sooner than I say that does Peg already have a boatload of information, articles, testimonies , etc up on her laptop screen.
The poppy seeds on the everything Bagels made me fucking fail. My therapist tells me That I need to do another urine, and go to the hospital for bloodwork. We were determined to prove this case.
So I go to Good Sam E.R, I explain my situation, and ask to take a urine & have blood work done & tested. I’m there for HOURS!! I had to take 2 urines because the first one I took was not supervised. The second time a nurse came in there with me. ALL of my tests came back negative, besides the one at court, & I guess also the one at the lab!!! So, I offer to take a hair follicle test 7 days after my failed urines.
Now I was a mess. A completely paranoid mess. I couldn’t even sleep at night without thinking someone was in or trying to get into my house? I couldn’t even drive somewhere without thinking people were following me.. I even went as far as to going up to a car that had been behind me for 45 minutes!! They had parked shadily in view of my doctors office, and when I came out over an hour later the women was STILL IN HER CAR !!! gosh I probably scared tf outta the poor women, when I approached her, she admitted she had been behind me the entire ride, she was just early for an appointment I guess. I don’t know, this shit was really messing my head up bad.
I had JUST gotten my visit’s with my oldest child back. I was doing the mandatory 5 meetings a week, and anger management, and parenting classes, AND I WAS EIGHT MONTHS FKING PREGNANT!!!! I was a mental mess. Why would I lie about this? Life wasn’t at its greatest moments, but I was trying, and I was doing every single solitary task given to me by my pO & DCF. Why would I fuck all that up and stick around for it!??
1 week later, I went & got a hair follicle test at the lab. The following day… Saturday, October 12th, I am home alone.. I go pee… and as I’m flushing the toilet, someone is knocking on the door. I open it… & there stand 2 cops, & Michelle with a quick cup. REALLY?! I’m like ha wow, what a joke… I just went pee! So Michelle comes in my bathroom with me.. and I’m literally PUSHING as if i’m pushing out my child!! Nothing. “ Michelle I really can’t go I need to chug water or something so I can go again” I plead.
Michelle : “ when I was pregnant I could pee on command so don’t tell me you just can’t go let’s go you’ve got 5 minutes to, if you don’t go by the end of the 5, I’m considering it positive and that’ll be fail number 2.” she said it with such conviction. Looking back, she must’ve hated me just because she could.
I’m nearly in tears trying to pee. Even writing this over, I’m holding back tears. This was one of the most stressful moments of my life. This whole situation, so fucking traumatic.
I can’t handle this. I don’t need the stress. After pushing my fucking guts out for those entire 5-6minutes, finally I hear something… I literally got like, 3 drops of pee in the cup. She says that’s fine, walks into my kitchen leaving me in the bathroom exhausted, in tears. Negative. Obviously. As she’s walking down my hallway toward the front door, I tell her I got the hair follicle test done, and of course she didn’t believe me. So I run to my room , unlock my safe, grab all the papers, run back to her, and place the carbon copied ‘receipt’ in her hand. “Oh. Gee look you really did it.” Says the miserable probation officer.
She tells me that if it comes back clean, I will be fine. Problem is, my final surrender hearing is October 18th, and the test takes up to 10 days. Okay. Great Michelle thanks for ALL your help and support.
So I get held on the 18th for the safety of my unborn child. What a nightmare!!!!! I’ll fast forward to the night I Wake up around midnight, on Halloween… AKA my COURT DATE.. in my jail cell with a weird nervous feeling in my belly. Oh… awesome I can’t go back to sleep, and the feeling is more like cramps now. The unit CO does rounds every 15 minutes, so I begin timing my “cramps” by his rounds.. every time he got to the room next to mine, I had the cramps. Finally… around 2 AM I stand at the door waiting for him… and I say.. I think I’m in labor.. ” Are you pregnant?” he asks. DER. So I walk up to HSU, and they time my contractions.. call a state car & bring me to BMC… Weirdest people ever. I am handcuffed to a bed while they monitor my contractions. They see NO contractions. Oh okay. Well, Your 6 CM dilated .. so here we go to labor & delivery room. Joy. Now the nurses and doctors are arguing with the female CO that is by my side telling her to get out of the room, and she calls MCI and they say she can not leave my side. She says that since I’m being very respectful, she will step outside of the room for 2 minutes. OK im puking my brains out with HORRIBLE heartburn. SHIFT CHANGE!!! It’s about 10:30 am, and finally my county CO’s ( plymouth) get there, So my MCI CO can leave. Whoops, they forgot to bring a female CO with them 🙂 So they can not come in the room. They call in and the woman is on her way. Well, I’m no longer handcuffed for the time being… and here comes baby around 10:51 am! Good, Glad I got to deliver without a CO holding up a leg! seriously.
They move me, and the woman gets there. Beastly bitch, I was so fucking mad. She handcuffed, & shackled my ankle to the bed, as I’m holding my new baby. Baby NO NAME, as she stays for 3 days. A very nice male CO comes in and we talk a lot about the baby, and what happened… He comes back later, with a list of names that their definition relate to God. Abigail. Ok, I like it. Back to Prison I go on Saturday! JOY!
Court Date is moved to November 22nd, my MIL gets Abby. P & my lawyer, Tina Green, get my court date moved to November 14th!!! Yay! Michelle, being the evil bitch she is, request’s that I finish my sentence. The Judge is in Awe. “This poor girl was forced to have her baby while incarcerated.. isn’t that enough?”.
Tina , in amazing depth explains the hair follicle tests & how quick cups are not legally supposed to be used in a court house to incarcerate someone because they are very sensitive & can be wrong very easily. I go home!!! Okay, life gets worse… but I stayed Sober, fought for my oldest in 1 court room, fought for the 2 toddlers in another. I get my toddlers back in June 2014. After 2 years, my boy is home. My oldest sleeps over every other Friday, and comes over every monday. I hit my 2 year mark on February 24th 2015. 2 YEARS clean!! I did it! I got my kids back, remained sober, and stuck it out with P. I worked at an answering service for over a year… and loved it.
Now I’m jobless. I made a mistake. I’m trying to be happy now, with P & the kids.. but now again my oldest is absent . It is not right that when her dad has a girlfriend, he completely ignores me, and keeps my child from me, except for the dys we came up with in court… which the Judge said we can change the visits on our own once we get along and can co-parent. I went almost 1 year without speaking to her father due to his harassment order on me We started talking again on our daughters 6th birthday, & things began to change and we eased ourselves into some sort of friendship / relationship / best friends from then until about a month ago. I saw him & our daughter everyday and was so happy. I’m OK today I guess. I have learned to accept the things that I can not change. I keep to myself as much I can. I’ve been on here forever… and Pat is getting mad. The kids are off the wall, and I’m really feeling like.. down today. I wrote this for myself & P to read in the future. It was good to read my old post’s and to see how far We’ve come. I hope to stumble upon this site again in the future.
That was written in 2015. I literally cannot even imagine having to deal with any of that today.
Today I’m here. I’m alive. I’m present. I’ve got most importantly my 4 kids, & P. My own small businesses, and a home. I’ve lost many, many friends to that lifestyle. Drugs. Many of the people that I thought would be in my life forever, the friends that I truly believed would always be around are mostly dead, some in jail, and others still on drugs.
If your feeling hopeless to your addiction / lifestyle reach out, trust and believe me when I say, you can get past this. You can have a normal life again. You do deserve to have a good life and you do deserve to be here today .
I find myself living with survivors guilt, but one day and one thing at a time ❤️